HOT WATER

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXX, Issue 21462, 8 April 1933, Page 13 (Supplement)

HOT WATER

By P. G. WODEHOUSE Author of " If I Were You." "A Prefect's Uncle," " The Cold Bnt," " The Head of Kay's," etc., etc. A PARTICULARLY HUMOROUS STORY 4

CHAPTER Vl.—(Continued)

A shooting pain passed through the Vicomte's head. All this was making him exercise his brain, and it was imperative that, for some little time to come, ho should think as sparingly as possible.

" Bad news." " About poor Gedge." " Gedge? What about Gedge? " " It seems very doubtful if he will recover." The Vicomte blinked. "He has obtained an accident, then? "

" Veek," said Paeky, reproachfully. " I'm your friend. What on earth is the sense of bluffing with mo? I'm not the police." " Police? "

Paeky went to the door and opened it quickly. Apparently reassured, he returned to the bed .and put a brotherly hand on his companion's shoulder. " There's only one thing to be done," he said. " You must lie low here till the hue and cry has died down."

" But I do not understand." Packy's eyebrows rose. " You're kidding." " I have not understood at all what you are saying." " But you surely can't have forgotten having the fight with Gedge? "

" What about it? " " What about it? Well, you practically killed the man." The Vicomto had leaped from tho bed and was staring wide-eyed. " But, my Paeky, it was nothing but a tiny little turn-up on tho floor such as almost always occurs. You cannot mean this what you say that I injured seriously this Gedge? Why, wo sat together and had some drinks after and he was as well as a violin." " You are speaking not of tho first fight? " " Do not tell me we had another! " Paeky patted his shoulder and turned away. "What happened?" demanded the Vicomte pall idly. " Don't ask me! " " But when—" " No, don't ask me. If you've forgotten, it is much better that you shouldn't know. Otherwise you might worry." " Worry? " " There is just a chance that you will be all right if you lie low. It was darned good luck that you happened to be wearing that lizard costume. The beak hid your face. I don't suppose really that anybody would be able actually to identify you. But it's no good taking chances. You mustn't stir from this room for several days. You understand that, of course? " " But, my Paeky, I'm engaged to arrive at tho Chateau." He gazed at Paeky in deep agitation. It was plain to him from the expression on his face that his friend had forgotten this. " That's true," said Paeky thoughtfully. " Yes, of course." " I do not arrive, suppose, and what occurs? These Gcdges telegraph to my mamma—" "Mr. Gedge, I'm afraid, will hardly be in a condition to telegraph to anyone for a long while —if ever. He's written his last telegram, poor chap, I very much fear." Paeky remained plunged in thought. " Veek," he said suddenly, " there's only one way out. Obviously, you can't go to the Chateau. A nice thing that would be —you arriving and being shown to your room and stopping suddenly on tho stairs and saying to tho butler, ' What was that curious sound I just heard? Is somebody playing the castanets?' and him replying, 'That was Mr. Gedge's death-rattle, sir, thank you, sir.' It wouldn't do. You can sec

for yourself. No, the only thing to be done is for me to go in your place. I wouldn't do it for everybody, but you're a pal and I'd like to help you in this jam. I will go to tho Chateau." " But—" " Mrs. Gedgo has never seen you, Mr. Gedge has seen you, but is in no condition to meet company. I could got away with it nicely." A moment's reflection and the Vicomte was convinced. It hurt his head to do so, but ho burst into a torrent of broken thanks. Packy waved his gratitude aside. " There isn't much I wouldn't do to help a pal liko you, Veek," ho said with emotion. "Now, you go to bed and have a nice long sleep, and in the morning you tell them that jnu \o got a slight chill and will require your meals sent up until further notice. " Yes, Packy." " Don't stir from this room 011 any account! " " No, Packy." . " And you'd better giye 1110 that beastly costume of yours. Tho cops are probably scouring the town jjjr owner at this very moment. 1 11 take it back to my boat and drop it overboard. And 1 hope," said Packy, a little priggishly, perhaps, but the subject was olio on which ho felt deeply, " that this will be a lesson to you not to go to fancy-dress balls as a lizard. If fewer people went about the place pretending to bo lizards," said Packy, " this would be a better and a sweeter world." ****** Mr. Gedge, as he lay on the sofa in the drawing room of the Chateau Blissac at two o'clock 011 the following afternoon, was not at tho peak of his form. Ho was conscious of a dark sepia tasto in his mouth and a general disinclination for any kind of thought or action. Outside, the birds were singing merrily, and 110 wished they wouldn't. His recollections of the previous night were hazy in the extreme. He could remember broadly passing through an experience such as ho had not had since the Shriners met in Los Angeles, hut as regards tho details he was shaky. His only outstanding recollection was of having had a fight with someone. And then suddenly tho picture grew clearer and he sat up with an anguished start. He had just remembered that his adversary in that combat had been a young man brightly dressed as a lizard, and as the only celebrant at tho festivities had been tho Vicomte do Blissac, the battler consequently must have been he. Mr. Gedge was not at his most nimble-witted this afternoon, but he could reason out a simple thing like that. He was appalled. The Vicomte was due to arrive at the Chateau to-day for an indeterminate visit, and the problem of what is tho correct attitude for a host to adopt toward a guest of honour whom 011 the previous night ho has earnestly endeavoured to throttle was more than he could solve. He was still wrestling with jt when the door opened and tho butler's voice, announcing tho Vicomte de Blissac, brought him to hjs feet as if tho sola had exploded under him. ,

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A moment later, in walked Paeky with outstretched hand.

" Good afternoon, good afternoon, good afternoon! " said Packv. " What a day, what a day! The lark's on the wing; the snail's on the thorn; God's in His heaven; all's right with the world; and how are you, Mr. Gedge? " Mr. Gedge regarded him with a cold, shuddering hostility. To a man who disliked snails and was not any too solid on larks, such jovial effusiveness at such a moment, even if exhibited by a personal friend, must inevitably have proved distasteful. And Paeky was not a personal friend. Mr. Gedge could not remember exactly why, but he knew tliat he objected "to him strongly.

And, in addition to reciting poetry at him at a time when even the lightest prose would scarcely have been endurable, this offensive young fellow was frivolously claiming to be the Vicomte de Blissac. Foggy though Mr. Gedge might be about some of the minutiae of the proceedings of the previous night, lie did know who had been the Vicomte de Blissac and who hadn't. He decided to take a very short way with this sort of thing. " What the devil are you doing here? " " I've come to stay." Mr. Gedgo gave him one look and moved to the bell.

" I wouldn't," said Paeky. " What do you mean? " " I juyt wouldn't." " I'm going to ring for my butler and have you thrown out." " I wouldn't." " You muscle in here, pretending to be the Vicomte do Blissac." " I havo a very good reason for pretending to be the late Vicomte de Blissac. Ah! Gedge, Gedge! " said Paeky. " You don't know your own strength." Mr. Gedge stared. " What on earth are you talking about?" " Surely you have not forgotten the fight you had with the Vicomte?" Mr. Gedge seemed to bo trying to swallow his Adam's apple. He did not succeed, for it was still plainly to be seen bobbing up and down. " But I never touched the fellow." " That is not tho view the police take. They havo put out a drag-net and are combing tho countryside for a small but burly assassin, last seen wearing a sort of Oriental costume with a scarfturban round his head." Mr. Gedge quivered. " I mean —I hardly laid a hand on him." " You are speaking now of the first encounter —what I might call the preliminary skirmish." " First?" " Then you have forgotten the second one?" "Holy mackeral!" said Mr. Gedge. He searched desperately in the recesses of a maddeningly defective memory for even the smallest detail of the affair. He found nothing. " You don't mean wo had another battle ?" "And how!" " And you say this bird is in had. shape?" " You could hardly say he was in any shape. And I thought the only thing to do was to come hero in his place. Of course, looking at it in a narrow, technical way, I am not the Vicomte de Blissac. But I think you will bo making a great mistake if you don't accept me as such. If Mrs. Gedge returns and finds no vicomte at tlie Chateau, don't you think sho will start making inquiries?" Mr. Gedge had sunk into a chair and was kneading his forehead. To believe or not to believe? One portion of his mind was telling him that it was simply absurd to suppose that a man could have a desperate fight round about supper time and not remember anything about it on the following afternoon. And then, stealing back, there came the unnerving

thought that Packy might be speaking the truth. In which case, to expel him from the Chateau would be disaster. And thus the native hue of resolution —Mr. Gedge's resolution —was sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought (Mr. Gedge's) and enterprise of great pith and moment —such as ringing the bell and telling the butler to show Packy the door —with this regard their currents turned awry and lost the name of action. Few men in alpaca coats and striped flannel trousers had ever so closely resembled Hamlet as did Mr. Gcdp;o at this moment. Well, it beats me," he groaned. "I don't seo how I could have forgotten. Why, the timo the Shriners met at Los Angeles, I remembered everything the thing the next day. I distinctly recalled ■ having soaked a fellow of the name of Weinstoin. Red-haired man in the real estate business. He made a crack about the Californian climate. It all came back to me." " I hadn't the pleasure of being with you when the Shriners met at Los Angeles, but I don't think you can have been quite so boiled then as you were last night. I don't know when I've seen a man so boiled. I dare say you'vo forgotten socking mo?" Mr. Gedge's eyes bulged. "Did IP" " You certainly did! Just one dirty look, and then —zingo!" Mr. Gedge was convinced at last. If ho could have forgotten committing assault. and battery on a man of Packy's physique, he could have forgotten, ho argued, anything. " So where do wo go from here?" said Packy. " All J am trying to do is to save you unpleasantness. If you wish me to leave, of course I'll leave at once. But in that case, how about Mrs. Gedge? Won't she write the V icointosse, asking what lias become of her son? Of course she will. The whole story will then come out, and I don't see how the police can fail to track you down. And after that—well, you can say what you like about the guillotine —the only known cure for dandruff, and so on —but nobody's going to persuade me that you will enjoy it. So how about it? Do I stay or go?" Mr. Gedge shot from his chair. He clutched feverishly at Packy's coat. " Don't you dream of going!" " On reflection you wish me to romain ?" " You're dern tooting; I wish you to remain!" " I think you're wise." Mr. Gedge mopped his forehead. He looked at Packy adoringly. It amazed him to think there could ever have been a timo when ho had not liked—nay, worshipped—this sterling young man." " I don't know how to thank you, honestly, I don't." " Quite all right. A pleasure." " It s white of you. That's what it is. White." " No, no, really. The merest trifle." A belated memory of the night before returned to Mr. Godge. " Say, listen," ho said, " I seem to recall saying fjpmething at that festival about Yale couldn't play football.'' " Oil, never mind that." " But 1 do mind that," said Mr. Godge earnestly. " I admire Yale football. I think it's swell." Ho hesitated a moment, then, as if feeling that the supreme sacrifice must be made, went on. " Ask me, I should say Yale was better than University of Southern California by around three touchdownp." " Not three?" " Yes. sir. Three." " One at tho most." " Woll, call it two," said Mr. Gedge, making a concession. (To be continued on Saturday next)