MIS-MATES IN MARRIAGE

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXX, Issue 21450, 25 March 1933, Page 6 (Supplement)

MIS-MATES IN MARRIAGE

EFFECT ON CHILDREN

BY JENNIE WAIN

They say that " marriage:? are made in heaven!" Fortunately for the race, a goodly percentage of them certainly are! But whoever thought of adding the word ' •" lock " to " wed " must have known a . lot about life. For there is nothing in the world more absolutely bolted, locked and barred than the married state! And ao matter how the poor victims squirm and struggle, once they have gaily stepped into that little golden circle, there has to be a tremendous upheaval, tears and bitterness, law courts and heaven knows what before they can step out again! Of , course, I'm not talking of those gloriously happy newly-weds who aro quite, quite cure that nothing will ever wreck their own particular little barque of matrimony! ' I'm talking of those poor souls who in nil sincerity and innocence say " I will," nnd then find out that they can't. And wonder dazedly whether in the excitement of it all, it wasn't the devil who sneaked up to the altar and tied the knot after nil!

Now how on earth is a man (with all man's human weaknesses) possibly to know whether he will bo able to keep all those rather terrifying vows to the little stranger standing by his side? For she is a stranger! Whether he's known her since the days when lie carried her schoolbag, and teased her about that freckled boy next door, or whether he's just met her a few dazzling months before, she is still an enigma! Still the absolute unknown quantity! And by the same token, how is a young girl-bride to foresee •whether she, in her turn, will be able to stand the new and enormous demands that even the happiest of marriages entails ? Who can deny that it needs courage besides love before one undertakes the final and irrevocable plunge into unknown waters! It takes all sorts and conditions to make a world, and there are temperaments totally unfitted for marriage at all —those who suddenly find out that freedom. curtailed and loss of liberty are absolute auathema to theitt# souls. And others who think that the marriage ceremony entitles them to a selfish control Df every deed or action, almost eveo-y thought even of their respective partner! What wonder then that the cord gradually wears thin under the jitrain, eventually snaps and all the horrors of a divorce ■court come looming up in the distance! For the Childrens' Sake And what when there are children to complicate the misery of a mesallianca ? How do they fare ? Very, very badly in most cases, I fear! For there is nothing 150 utterly cruel in the whole world to a sensitive child than the warring bitterness of an unhappy home! The very atmosphere is enough to breed a thousand nerve complaints and deeply-rooted psychological *' complexes"" which,""in later life, nine times out of' ten, are totally ineradicable. Unless one happens to be a student of psycho-analysis, of course! And even then the casting out of the in-grown devils of fear, the very root of all the other menacing complaints, is often a N islow and painful process, involving as it does a tremendous amount; of patience and concentration on the part of the Bufferer! Look around you at the homes you know! Think of all the neurotic, nerve-ridden creatures of your acquaintance. Lacking in 6elf-confidence, lacking in virility, lacking in the very desire to live,' some of them, stamped before their very birth with the horrible stigma of " not being wanted." Children are so pitifully weak and helpless, so utterly at the mercy of those in authority over them. How can they be expected to unravel the web of their parents' weaving! How can they hope to solve a wrong started years before they were even born! Theodore Dreiser expresses it beautifully when he says " Children of unhappy homes live in a sort of hell of temperament from which they take the very first opportunity -to escape." That is the tragedy of it, for that escape often leads to another vicious set of circumstances. And so it goes on. Arid yet a woman will often stick by her mate, suffering all the untold brutality of a drunken, sensual beast " for the sake of the children !"■ Why, common sense shouts to the very house-tops that that is the very reason why they should part! Surely the deepest form of immorality is that of two people living together, hating each other, and hiding its ugliness under the holy cloak of matrimony! What an awful mockery of iiomething which should be divine! The Shame of Divorce Eveiy generation is getting more and more broad-miuded toward these things. But there is still a sting about divorce. Thirty year's ago a divorced woman was absolutely " outside the pale." No matter who was at fault, or what the set of circumstances. Even to-day there are little cruelties toward the divorce reminiscent of those cast-iron days. There are societies and unions she may not join, there is always a little lifting of the eyebrows and a suggestion that there must have been something " not quite nice " about the whole affair. But, it's too late to say, " Oh, well, people shouldn't marry unless they are sure of each other!" Oh! what a perfect world it would be if we could all be " sure of each other." Wo should all be marvellously clairvoyant indeed, if we could see right along the winding road of matrimony, and then make our choice. No! as long as human nature remains as it is, marriage will always be the biggest lottery in the world. How could it be otherwise?