Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIX, Issue 21326, 29 October 1932, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Keynote to good breeding: B natural. Jones: "I wish I were dead!" Friend: " Can't you marry her —or did you ?" Left No Traces: Having looted the saddler's shop the thieves made off, leaving no clues for the police. The worst laundry case ever heard of was that of King John, who lost all the Crown jewels in the Wash.. The reason the world is called Mother Earth and not Father Earth is because everybody is so uncertain abput her age. Mrs. Flatt: "That girl across the hall has a singular voico." Husband (fervently) : Thank heaven it isn't plural."

Tramp: " Madam, T was not always disabled like this." Housewife: "No; it was your other arm you had in a sling last week." Grandma (to grand-daughter to be married) : " You are young, dear. Do you feel you are fitted for married life?" Grand-daughter: "Perfectly, grandma. I have 17 gowns and three costumes." Suitor: "Sir, I would like to marry your daughter." Her Pa: " No, young fellow. You are too young. _ You are only twenty years old, and she is 24. Wait five years. Then you will bo 25, and she will be still 24."

Clothes do not make the man, but many a one owes a lot to his tailor " I consider kissing unhealthy." " Well, I've never been—" "Kissed?" "No ill! ' Technically Speaking: The electrician who said he had a twenty scandal-power wife. Teacher; "Tommy, are the skins of •cats any use?" Tommy: "Yes, sir." " Well, what are they used for? " " For keeping cats warm." Customer: " Have you the same razor you used on mo yesterday?" .Barber: " Yes, sir, the same identical one." Customer: " Then give me gas." A hypnotist claims that he can make a galloping horse slow down by sheer will power. Some people say they can slow it down by putting ten shillings on it. Bailiff: "If you have nothing else, I must take the goldfish as a pledge." Debtor: "Then take them, but not the bowl. That belongs to my landlady." Teacher: "When was Rome built?" Archibald: "At night." Teacher: "Who told you that?" Archibald: "You did. You said Rome wasn't built in a day." Gertie: "1 dreamed about you last night." Harold: "You did, you dear tirl ?" "But I'm not blaming you. omcthing I ate didn't agree with mc." Clara: " My husband has given me such a nice dress for a birthday present." Clarice: "Did ho choOse it himself?" " Oh, dear, no. He doesn't even know about it yet." Teacher: " And so we find that heat expands things and cold contracts them. Can anyone give me an example of this?" Bright Student: " Yes, ma'am. The days are longer in summer." The waiter arrived with soup. " Don't you see there is a fly in it? " the customer complained. " Shouldn't worry about that, sir," replied the waiter, " it's not much a fly can drink." She (trying to soften the blow): " I'm sorry I can't marry you, Teddy. Maybe some other girl will make you forget me." He: "I can never forget you.' She (sweetly): " Oh, yes, you can. You did it very nicely on my last birthday."

"What are diplomatic relations, dad?" " There are no such people, my boy." Teacher: "What is the opposite of 'Abstainer'! Bright Boy: "Container." " I hear this house goes back to the Tudars." " Not a bit. I paid for it, and mine it remains!" * Teacups without handles are reported to be the latest craze. Many maids put their mistresses in the fashion a long time ago. Kind Lady: " And what are you going to do when you grow up, my litllo man ?" Small Urchin: " Follcr in my father's fingerprints." She: "I don't believe in long engagements, do you?" He: "No; people are apt to find out too many things about each other." Old Gentleman (who had slipped on the pavement): " "Don't cry, little man. I've not hurt myself." Arthur (sobbing hard): " No, but—but—but—but look at my banana you slipped on." Wife: " Forgive me for asking, dear, but father says you can't meet your creditors." Husband : " It is false, dearest. I meet them every day." " Bless you, dearie! I knew it wasn't true." L_ Magistrate: "So you robbed the restaurant because you were starving. Why didn't you take something to cat instead of looting the cash register?" Prisoner: " I'm a proud man, yer honour, an' I mako it a rule to pay for what I eat." Physician (at mental hospital): " Mrs. Sharp was here to-day and wanted her husband sent home and placed under her care." Superintendent/: " Did you let him go? " " No. Ho said ho would rather stay here." " H'm! The man must be sane." Irate Father: "Didn't you tell me when you married my daughter that you were worth ten thousand pounds ?" llis Daughter's Husband: " No; I said that I could lay my hands on ten thousand pounds. At the same time, if I'd done so I should now be in prison." Teacher was trying to get little Freddie to understand the principles of subtraction. " Now, Freddie," she said, " you have ten fingers. If, you lost three of them, what would you" have?" Freddie brightened. "No more music ""lessons, teacher!" he promptly replied.