Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIX, Issue 21296, 24 September 1932, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Good for Centuries: Don Bradman

All things como to him who waits —on himself.

The happiest part of some people's lives is spent lying awake in bed in the winter mornings.

Philips: " Very argumentative, isn't he?" Brown: "ltather! lie even answers back to the wireless announcers.

Judge: " The defendant said you were a roeue.ls that correct? " Plaintiff : " Yes. Judge: "Then why are yon bringing an action ? "

Wife: " Have you #een my tube of glue, Herman?" —MacLean's Magazine.

Mrs. Brown: " I understand my former maid is working for you ? " Mrs. Jones: " Yes; but you needn't beliovo a word she says."

Certain and swift: Bee stings are said to cure rheumatism. One application and the patient often becomes a record-break-ing runner.

"Who was the King of FranceJ\t the time of the French Revolution ? " " Louis the Thirteenth—er, Fourteenth—er, Fifteenth—oh, I don't know, but ho was in his teens, anyway!"

The Secretary: " A gentleman has called for an interview. He wishes you to tell him the secret of your wonderful success in life, sir." Millionaire: " H'm. What is he —journalist or a detective? "

The woman who seldom makes remarks is remarkable.

She: " You think more of that old wiroLess set than you do of mc." He: " Well, [ get less interference from it."

" A bachelor has nobody to share his troubles." " Why should a bachelor have any troubles?" asked the married man.

Claude: " Why is she so nice to that hotel clerk?" Hobson: "Because opposite her name on the register he wrote ' Suite 17.' "

Knott: "Have you ever noticed that successful men are generally bald?" Nutt: "Of course, thoy are. They come out on top."

Chester: "Has ho big feet?" Lester: "Rather! When ho goes to call on his best girl he has to back up to the door to ring the bell."

Here lio the bones Of Farmer MacMunnie. Ho thought the mushrooms Tasted funny.

Magistrate: "Ah, the old story! Marry in baste and repent at leisure." Plaintiff: " No, sir. Married in Hastings and repented at Leicester."

Mother was singing baby to sleep. For some minutes Jimmy contemplated this; then he said to his father, philosophically—" Daddy, if I were baby, I'd pretend to be asleep."

Landlady: "Yesterday you broke two cups and a saucer. To-day you broke three plates. What will happen to-mor-row?" New Help: "Nothing much—that's my day off."

Lady (staying in the country): "Is this milk from contented cows?" Farmer: " Well, now, lady, to be honest, one of them did seem to bo a littlo bit annoyed by the flies."

Andy: "In what way does a man differ from a woman when drinking tea?" Sandy: "I'll buy it." Andy: " Thu man talks between sips, and the woman sips between talks."

Bald-headed barbers invariably tell hair raising stories.

Tess: " To-day I saw you with a woman I've never seen you with before." Harold: " That must have been my wife."

Man at dinner: " Waiter, what's wrong with this chicken? " Waiter: "It's been in a fight, sir." " Well, take it back and bring me the winner."

First Doctor: "Well, how are things with you?" Second Ditto: "Bad. The influenza crop in my district has been an absolute failure this year."

Client: " Didn't you make a mistake in going into law instead of the Army?" Lawyer: "Why?" "By the way you charge, there would bo little left of the enemy."

" ' Absence makes the heart grow fonder,' " murmured the sentimental youth. " Oh, I don't khow," remarked the matter-of-fact girl. " Did you ever try presonts ?"

Bus Conductor (formerly house-agent's assistant): "Inside only.' Fare: "But the outside of the bus is practically empty." " I've let the top floor to an engaged couple."

Sanitation Inspector: "You have a sink hero that won't work." Housewife: " Oh, yes, sir, but you can't see him just now as he's gone to the Labour Exchange to draw his dole."

Somers: "What is your idea of a real optimist?" Vannor: "A man who believes ho can interest his wife in a game of golf when slio has her mind on a hat she wants to buy."

Sergeant: "If you could only shoot as well as you can eat, you'd be 0.K." Recruit: " Well, I've been practising eating for 26 years, but I've only had this blinking gun a fortnight."

" That smart new florist is certainly keeping on the slogan ' Say it with flowers.'" "Why? What does he do?" " Well, so far, he's sent me a bunch of forget-me-not 3 with every bill."