Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIX, Issue 21248, 30 July 1932, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Cannibal chief's call: Cook-who! Quiet: Tho hardest thing for women to keep. "I am tho architect of my own fortune." " Aren't you afraid of die building inspector?" Prim Aunt: "Doris, the way you flirted with that young man was terrible." Pretty Niece: " Why, nuntie, I'm sure ho thought I did it very well."

"Mummy, why does it rain?" "To mako things grow. To give us apples, pears, corn, flowers —" " Then why does it rain on tho streets. " Mark timo when I tell said the sergeant to tho dud recruit. " Wiv me feet, sergeant?" "Yes. Did you ever know anything mark time with bands ? " Yes, sergeant, my watch docs." Henpeck looked down in the mouth. "What's wrong?" asked a friend. "My wife," said Henpeck. " I asked she wanted with a new coat." what did she say?" asked tho friend. " A new hat," replied Ilcnpcck.

COCKTAIL OR A WING A wealthy Irishman was proud of the opportunity to " show off " on the occasion of a visit to London of ono of his compatriots. He invited him to dine at a fashionablo restaurant. " Now, me blioy," ho said, " just you follow my lead, and I'll order everything of the best." Seated at the table the host led off with: "Waiter, a couple of cocktails." His friend regarded him with astonishment and then whispered audibly: " Waiter, if ye don't moind, I'd rather have a wing." STUDENT'S ROMANCE A ypung undergraduate was being taken to task for having exceeded his leave by two days. " Well," said the tutor, " what have you to say for yourself?" " I'm awfully sorry," replied the undergraduate. " I really couldn't get back before. I was detained by most important business." Tlio tutor looked at him sternly. " So you wanted two more days of grace, did you ?" ho asked. " No, sir," answered the young man, off his guard for a moment—" of Gladys!" JUST TO START WITH The business man's son, bis school honours thick upon him, intended to teach the world in general, and his father in particular, the manner in which modern conimerco should bo conducted. "You may depend on me, father," be said on his first day at the office. " I will devote my whoio life to tlio interests of the business. It will be my ambition to keep the family namo frco from stain." " That's tho spirit," said his father. " .Ask tho ofiico-boy for some polish, and g!) and clean tho brass name-plate on the main door." IN APPLE PIE ORDER A suburban housewife was entertaining n few friends to tea, and had instructed her new Irish maid to rnako some tarts. Half were to bo made with apples, and tlio other half with pluins. As tea-tiino approached slio went, into tho kitchen to inquiro how the girl was progressing, and found that sho had put tho letters " T.A." on all tho tarts. " H'm," sho pondered, " they all look very nice. But what does ' T.A.' mean ?" " Well, mum," said tho maid " some is for ' 'tis apple,' and tho others is for ' 'tain't applo.' " HIS ONLY CHANCE An elderly man in the North of England went to Loudon regularly for a fair number of years to endeavour to pass tho examination for a certain musical degrco. Year after year ho failed; year after year ho turned up to try again. At last a benevolent examiner took him aside and said, " Mr. Blank, your persistence is amazing. It> deserves reward. We have decided to give you your diploma this time." The candidate looked crestfallen. " Oh, my dear sir," he said, nervously, " for heaven's sake don't do that! This yearly exam, is positively my only chance of getting away from tho wife for a quiet bust."

From tho point of view of the hatseller, two heads are better than one. " Dick says he camo from a good family." " Yes, and I'll bet he's footsore." "Ho is tbe flower of tho family." " Possibly. He seems to be a blooming idiot." " Your daughter plays that Beethoven Sonata very well." "Doesn't she? That girl can make a success of anything." " Give up drink, my man, and you will live to over eighty." " Too lato, ma'am!" " It's never too late." " Yes, it is—l'm eighty-two now!" Lawyer: " You say your husband is a finisher; what does he finish?" Witness: " Well, just now lie's finishing his third term in prison." " I am sorry to hear, Captain Storm, that your wife left you so unceremoniously." "My mistake. I took her for a mate and sho proved to be a skipper." •- Shipwrecked Man (to another victim who wants to share his raft): " Before you get on, old chap, I think it's only fair to warn you 1 have rather a nasty cold." Teacher: "Yes, Robert, bears hibernate in tho winter. Now can you tell me if there is anything elso that hibernates in tho winter?" Robert: "Father Christmas." Young Brido: "To commemorate a quarrel we had last week, Jim and I planted a tree In tho garden." Friend: " Well, now, that is a nice idea! If Fred and I had done that wo should have a wonderful forest by now." Brothor Jack was bemoaning his lost romance to his sister. " Yes, it's all up," he said. " I've loved and lost." " I suppose you got tho ring back from her ?" said the girl, trying to comfort him. " No, that's what I mean—sho didn't return j it," said her brother.

CARE OF DADDY." In the course of a general knowledge test some small boys were asked: "If your mother is shopping and finds sho has left her purse at home, sho may ask the shopkeeper to send the parcel 0.0.D. What do these initials mean? " It was a very earnest boy, not yet old enough for frivolity, who answered: " Care of Daddy." NUMBER, PLEASE An old lady, after many attempts to communicate with her grocer on the automatic telephone, it up in a state of confusion,, deciding to make a personal call. ■ " Oh, Mr. Butterworth," she exclaimed as the shopkeeper came forward to serve her. " I have been trying to get you on the 'phone and although I dialled the number on the top of your bill-head, EST. 1898, completely failed to get you!"

NOT WORTH NOTICING. Tho doctor was examining a young man who was proposing to insure his life. The medical man happened to know something of tho applicant's family history, "Any insanity in tho family? " he asked. " No, sir." • " Wait a moment, though. Isn't there an uncle of yours who had to go to tho mental hospital bccauso of his delusions ? " Tho young man laughed. " Oh, 'im, sir. You don't want to tako no notico of 'im. 'E's off 'is nut." AN EASIER WAY A prosperous farmer lias gained the reputation of being tho meanest man in his town, and consequently is not a favourite with his neighbours. Ho owns an old liorso which, to put it mildly, is very thin. As if to mako up for tho lack of flesh on its body, however, tho animal has a head many sizes too large. Tho other week ho went to tho expense of a new collar for tho animal. A few minutes after tho dolivcry ho was back at the saddler's with the collar. " You've made it too small," he blurted out. " I can't get it over his head!" " Over his head!" replied the saddler. "Man alive, it wasn't made to go over his head. Back him into it!"

A: "Well, my rheumatism's cured." B: '"How will you tell tho weather now ?" " Why aro you angry with Jim?" " He promised not to kiss me—and kept his word.". Wife: "You didn't marry a cook!" Ho (bitterly): " No; I found that out a long ' timo ago." Peter: "Is sho older than sho makes out?" Philip: "Well, anyway, she is not so young as sho makes up." " My daughter," said Mrs. Blunderby, "has had a Splendid education. She speaks several languages quite flippantly." Mrs. X; "Are the new couple in the next flat well mated?" Mr. X: "In a way. llq can't hold a job and sho can t hold her tongue." Magistrate: "You have been sentenced nine times for picking pockets. What did you get last time?" Accused: "Only fivepenco and a key." Young Wife: "I thought I'd buy you something you'd never think of buying for yourself, dear." Husband (surveying nondescript gift) '• ' You succeeded admirably." Brown: " It's all a mistake to marry her just for her money. She'll always bo throwing it in your face." Smith: " Why should I worry, so long as she docs throw it?" A man arrested for drunkenness was said to have been discovered with his arm round a lamppost shouting, " Let me in. When told that nobody lived there he said, " Don't lie. There's a light upstairs." Tho text for the sermon was " Let your light shine," and it was interpreted to littlo Jane as meaning that sho must bo good, obedient and cheerful. In the afternoon there was trouble in tho nursery, and Jano explained, " I've blowed myself out!"

HOW SURPRISING! The countryman's son had secured work on a London newspaper. "Ay, he- be doin' well," said the old man to one of his cronies. " But what he writes hasn't his own name on it. He tells me he is anonymous." "Anonymous! " exclaimed the other. " I've often read bits by him, but it's the first time I knew it was young George." FRIGHTENED TO DEATH. The fussy woman was arguing with the shopkeeper over the purchase of a rabbit. After inspecting several, sho said she could not eat one that had been shot or trapped. Puzzled as to what she did require, tho shopkeeper lost his temper, picked up another, and said: "Here, ma'am, have this one—it's bosh frightened to death." LEFT ON THE PIANO. She insisted on taking innumerable frocks with her, and they arrived at the station loaded with luggage. " I wish," said the husband thoughtfully, " that we'd brought the piano." " You neodn't try to be sarcastic," camo the frigid reply. " It's not a bit funny." " I'm not trying to bo funny," ho explained sadly. •" I left tho train tickets on it." WELL OUT OF IT. Sho was certainly looking very pleased with herself when her girl friend called. " By tlio way," sho commenced, " both Jim and William proposed to me last night, and—" " You refused them both," put in Doris. " Why, yc-es: but how did you know?" asked her friend. " Easy," said Doris cuttingly. " I saw thorn afterwards. They were shaking hands." STRANGE LODGES A young barrister, in a harrying crossexamination of a landlady, was trying to discredit her boarding-hou£:o in tho eyes of tlio jury. Sho spoko of certain lodgers who never went out at night. Tho barrister fixed her with cocksuro eye. " A nest of strango birds, theso lodgers of yours seem to be," ho said. " Aro they in training to be monks, or is -thcro somo reason for hiding themselves from tho public?" " No, sir," replied tho " thcy'ro studying for tho law." A BAD SPORTSMAN An innkeeper who was away a good deal at race meetings was disturbed to discover that the bar takings had fallen considerably during tho previous weeks. Ono evening, returning homo before ho was expected, lie went quiotly into the bar, where tlio potman was dividing tho night's takings into two piles, muttering as he did so: " Ono for me and ono for the boss." Coming to the last note, tho potman hesitated a moment and finally placed it on his own pile. Tho innkeeper came forward. " You know it was my turn that time," he shouted. " I wouldn't keep such a bad sportsman. You're sacked."