Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIX, Issue 21159, 16 April 1932, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Dentists' maxim. Tooth will out. Gardening Note: "A few more tulips came up to-day—thanks to Fido." One or the Other: " I'oets should throw tiro into their work," someone says. Or vice versa. Smith: "I know one owner of horses who can't run 'em straight if he tries." Johnson: "What a scoundrel!" Smith: Oh, no, they're on round-abouts."

" Hallo, Binks! What are you—a plumber?" " Yes and I've done it too well, too I've forgotten my ticket!" —London Opinion.

Tho telephone operator answered an agitated summons from n call-box. " Oh, miss," cams a tearful plea, " can 1 have my twopence back? Albert wouldn't speak to me!"

"What a terrible writer Jones is! He once sent, a letter to Smith, the greengrocer, asking him to send round sometomatoes." "What happened?" "Well, after Smith had used it for a passport to France and Spain, and as a driving licence in Italy, he played it on (lie piano."

Many a man calls a spade a spade until lie falls over one in his garden.

" I shall never het again." " You arc sure to bet again." " 1 don't think so. What will you Let I never do?"

lie: " Tell me, am T the only man who has ever kissed yon?" She: "Silly, you're all alike—of course you arc!"

In America a man assaulted his neighbour with an axe. It will be no use pleading that lie only wanted to bury the hatchet.

Wife: " But I will say my 'usband's a good 'iin an' well behaved —'E alius gets a bit knocked off his sentence for good conduct."

Sixteen slone Father: "My bov says I'm worth my weight in gold!" Friend: " 1 didn't think there was that much money in the world."

"Hello! Archie. Was the lady I saw you with the other night your fiancee or your sister?" "Don't know, old man, 1 haven't asked her yet."

" Have you a speaking acquaintance with the woman next door?" "A speaking acquaintance ? I know her so well that wc don't speak at all."

Wife: "You'll have, to get some new socks, Ilenry. I'm not going to sit up until midnight darning your old ones." Husband: " But, niy dear, it's never too late to mend."

Dropping info a char in the club smokeroom, <lie boro announced that, he had just purchased a, new saloon. Another member looked over tho top of his eyeglasses and inquired, icily: " Beer or billiards ?"

" Yes," said Mrs. Newkind, " my husband is most, awfully careless; he's always losing the buttons off his clothes." " Perhaps. my dear," replied Mrs. Oldstyle gently, " if is because they are not, sewn on carefully enough." "That's just it! lie's most awfully slipshod with his scwins»"

" I notice vour 'usband always has his hair cropped short." " Yes—the coward!"

Very Stout Woman (to friend): "I 'ates goin' out in company. People laugh at me an' I feel so bloomin' small."

Editor: " I can't use your poem, but you might leave your address." Bard: " If you don't tako the poem 1 shan't have any address."

Magistrate: "The evidence shows that you threw a brick at this constable." Burly One: "It shows more'n that —it shows 1 'it him.

Grocer: " You want a pound of ochre? Is it red ochre for painting bricks?" Small Boy: "No, it's tappy ochre wot Maw makes puddin' with."

Doctor: "Mr. Brown, it is taking an awful long time to pay that bill of mine!" Mr. Brown: " I know it, doctor. But you ought to remember that you wero an awful long time curing me."

Man: "Do you think the dead can communicato with us?" Ilis Friend: " I know they can't. Once I managed to borrow a fiver from a Scotsman. A week later ho died. I haven't heard a word since."

Little Boy: " P-p-please, Mr. Jones, my arrow has gone ovet - into your garden." Obliging Neighbour: " Never mind, sonny. Tell mo where it is, and I'll get it for you." Little Boy:" Well—it—it's sticking in your cat."

Mistress: " Now, cook, tho country as Mr. Downie Stewart tells us, is in a very bad state and we must all practise economy. I hope you are doing your best to economise tho food?" Cook: " Ob, yes, ma'am. I've put tho cat on water."

It was breakfast time at the house of the eminent astronomer who had spent the major part of the night in his observatory. "My dear," he said to his wife, " congratulate me. I havo discovered a star of hitherto unheard-of density, and I'm going to name it after you."