Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIX, Issue 21118, 27 February 1932, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Tears arc the war-cry of a woman. An unwelcome guest, is one of the bost tilings going. Many a hiccough is a message from departed spirits. lie: "Something's preying on iny mind." She: "It must Lie pretty hungry."

Visitor: "Where's the other windmill gone to?" Native: "We only had wind enough for one, so \v» took the other one down." He: "And yon used to say you wouldn't marry the best man Jiving." She: " Well, I have the satisfaction of knowing that 1 kept my word." Constable O'Flunngan hurried to the scene of the accident and produced his pocket-book. " Now, then," ho addressed the two drivers arguing as to who was responsible. " 1 want yer tcr tell me which of ye/, cars hit the other one first."

Auctioneers aro always of a more-bid disposition, " What is your favourite interest in life?'* "The kind my money brings in." " * " J always laugh when I sec anything funny." " You must enjoy yourself wlicn you shave." Did you know that t.ho woman across the street 'ad got kleptomania?" "Oh, what is she doing for it?" " Six months." Husband: " I've got to get rid of that chauffeur. He's nearly killed 1110 four times." Wife: "Oil, give him another chance." Mother: "Fetch the doctor. Baby has swallowed a halfpenny." Father: "Just like a woman—wanting to spend ten-and-six to get back a half-penny!" Professor: "I have been robbed of my gold snuffbox." Wife: "Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket ?" Professor: " Yos, but 1 thought it was my own." Chemist: "So you want more rat poison ? It must have been very satisfactory." Customer: "It was splendid stuff I want this bottle for one of my neighbours." " This necklace is supposed to be very unlucky. The last three women who owned" it committed suicide." " How interesting. Your husband bought it for you, I suppose ?" First Comedian: "The last time, I appeared in pantomime the people could be heard roaring with laughter a mile away." Second Comedian: "Really! what was on there?" Street Urchin: "Hi, sir! Look out! You're walking with one foot on the kerb and one in the gutter." Absent-minded Professor: "Thank you, young man. 1 was beginning to think that I'd become lame." The small son of the house was chatting on the front porch with the young man who had called to see his big sister. " Daddy says you are like the month of June," confided the youngster, " 'cause when you come in Way goes out."

A man may be fast asleep and yet bo slow when awake. Fashion Forecast: There is little or no change in trouscr pockets these hard times. " Tom's sweetheart lias a very dark past." "You don't say so?" "Yes, she used to he a brunette." " I made a poem on Edith's little foot and recited it to her day." " What happened ? " " The foot went to sleep." " Haven't seen you in that frock before." " No—my 21st birthday present." " Keally! And now it's fashionable again." Son: "You may take your finger off that leak now, father." Father: "Thank goodness! Is the plumber here at last?" .Son: " No, the house is on fire." Gladys: "No, mother isn't at home. She's down town shopping." Caller: " llow soon will she be home?" Gladys: " Well, not until all of the shops are closed." Mrs. Smith's neighbour (to coloured cook) : " Was Mrs. Srrpth surprised when she found out you were leaving ?" Mandy:- "No, ma'am. She knew it afore Ah did." Father: "So you want to marry my daughter?" Suitor: "Yes, but first I want to know if there's any insanity in your family." " No, and there's not going to be any." "I would like to marry your daughter." "Have you money to support her?" " I have £30,000. "Is that the result of work ?" " Yes, my father worked all his life to obtain it." Mr. Brown: "If you hadn't fooled about so much we shouldn't have missed the train." Mrs. Brown: " \cs; and if you had not made me run like mad we should not have had so long to wait for the next one." Actor: "I say, I can't plav all three of the parts you have assigned to me in this melodrama." Manager: " Why not.' Actor: "Because in the first act two of them engago in a fight the third rushes in and separates them."