Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIX, Issue 21112, 20 February 1932, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

The Auctioneer's Epitaph: "Gone!" Need for Prohibition: To stop money getting tight. " Did you call for help when he kissed you in the dark?" "Silly! He didn't need any help." " If you want to earn a lunrh you can clean my car." " What sort?" " Ford." " I mean what sort of a lunch."

Persistent Johnnie (winding up gramophone) : " What can 1 put on for you, dear?" Pored Girl: "Your hat." " John must, have been embarrassed when he proposed to Mr. Lotocash's only daughter." "He was—financially. That's why ho did it." " How could you let your French master kiss you?" " Mother, I am not to blame. Yon can't expect that, after three lessons T knew enough French to lie able to stop him." " Do you know," said Hie clubman with pride, " I'm the inventor of the new airtight, container for food ?" "That's nothing new," replied a fellow member. " The hen invented that years ago."

Copper Collection: Parade of policemen. Feeling the Pinch: A London store loses about £30,000 a year from shoplifting. Prisoner (charged with forgery) : " Why, I can't even sign my own name." Judge: "But you're not charged with that." Mother: " Now, Johnnie, I know thousands of little, boys and girls who would be glad to eat that spinach!" Johnnie: "Name three of them!" A Scotsman, in planning his new home, left the roof off one room. A friend asked tlio reason for this. " Oh, that's the shower," replied the Scot. " Havo you much room in your new flat?" " Mercy, no! My kitchen and dining room arc so small I have to live on condensed milk and shortbread." Dancing Instructress: "You would be a, good dancer if it, were not for two things," Conceited Youth: "And what are, they?" Instructress: " Your feet." " How'much did you pay for this jar?" asked the collector friend. " Only £10," replied tlio inexpert owner rather proudly. "Humph! And was there any jam in if ?" Poet Pete; " Burglars broke into my house last night." . Friend: " Yes? What happened?" Poet Pete: "They searched through every room, then left a £1 note on the halistand." Mrs. MacTavisli: "My little boy has just swallowed a two-shilling piece." Neighbour: "Dear me, is the child in any danger?" Mrs. MacTavish: "No, thank goodness, his father's out of town." An elderly widower laid his heart, at the feet of a modern girl at a night club. " Oh." lie sighed, " oh. I'd go through anything for you, darling." The girl gave him a keen look. " How much," she said, " have you got to go through?"

The unruly child is an example of the triumph of mind over mater. Diner: "What do we eat, waiter?" Waiter: " 5.0.5., sir." " S.O.S. ?" ' Yes, sir—same old soup." Teacher: " James, why do we call English our mother tongue?" James; "Because mother uses it more than father." Farmer (heckling candidate) : " Farms nowadays, mister, arc like a beggar's trousers." Candidate: " How's that, sir?" Farmer: "Big rents; little patches!" He: "I called to fieo your father this afternoon." Slio (fluttering visibly): "Oh, did you?" He: "Yes; lie has been owing our firm a little bill for some time." " Was that man of innch assistance in our great political movement.?" " No. Ho is one of those people who will subscribe to your opinions, but not to your campaign funds." Billy often talked to his friends about his grandfather, of whom ho was very fond. "How old is your grandfather?" asked one of his friends one day. " Oh, I don't know," was the reply, " but we've had him quite a long time." Percy: ''That was the most unkindest cut of all, as the poet says." Penelope: '' What was that?" " I showed her one of my boyhood pictures with my. father holding mo on his knee, and she said, ' My, who is the ventriloquist?' " The two women were in conversation. " Of course," said one, " we women endure pain better than men." " Really, is that a fact?" asked the other. ' Who told you—your doctor?" "No, certainly not; the assistant in the shoe shop." The film* director wanted someone to pi ay a Scotland Yard detective, and the casting director sent along a possible man. After a very brief interview the director sent the actor back with a note. It read: " This man won't do. He hasn't a trace of a Scottish accent!"