Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIX, Issue 21100, 6 February 1932, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Grey hairs tliat can be counted don't count.

"Cense out of that wafer? Bathing's not. allowed there." " Pardon me, Isi nvt, bathing. I'm drovrning."

He: " Darling, don't t«H aojbody we re engaged just yet." She: Only Eose. She aivrays said I'd never find a i&jl to

" I refuse to pay for tliis portrait. ou hare niade me look like ray own grandfather." " Then couid you ask your grandfather to buy it ?"

Chorus giri (quarrelling in dressing room): '' Sot only that, bat J CQ S e ' ugiier every day." Second chorus " Another ifaisg I can do and you cant"

Tramp: " Hey, this darned dog of ronrs is biting me on tie ankle'" Farmer: " Yon couldn't expect a shortlegged dog like him to bite you on the neck."

Professor: "Why don't yoa answer roe?" Student: "I d?d, sir. I shook my head-" Professor: " Yoa surely don't expect me to hear it rattle from here, do you ?"

TEST SIMPLE. The clerk in the lost-property oSce was asking the traveller a few questions. " And what is your name, sir?" be inquired. " Andrew Bedoiwnerprscnivm," returned the traveller. The clerk groaned inwardly. " How do yoa spell rt ?*' he asked. "Just like it's pronounced." replied the traveller. SOTHUTG BUT THE BEST. " The ice gave way and your daughter fell into the water." the park-keeper explained to the rich father of the victim. " Is she all right now 1" asked the rich man anxiously. " I don't know yet," replied the parkkeeper. " They're just giving her artificial respiration." "Artificial respiration be b'owed!" snapped the girl's father. " I'm rich enongh' to pay for the real thing." QUICK OFF THE MARK. He had been roaming round the historic old mansion. Presently he returned, looking white and t remoling in every limb. " I—l—l've just seen your family ghosthe stuttered to the owner of the mansion. " Ha, ha 1" laughed the latter. "Gave you a start —what V' The. guest glanced nervousJy over his shoulder as if espec tin.g the apparition <o reappear. " Believe me," he sajd nrrvousiy, " I didn't need a start." THE COJTSPIEATOES. " Why, Grey," said Jackson, "haven't seen you for a long time. What are you doing for a livißg!" " I'm in conspiracy wi'h my brother," said Grey. "Conspiracy?" echoed Jackson. "Sorely you mean in business, don't you !" " Well, he goes round the houses selling ' Willnotleak' fountain-pens, and after a few days have passed I call at ihe same houses with a guaranteed ink remover," came the reply.

A CRICKET MATCH. The schoolmistress told ber pupils to write a brief essay describing a cricket match. Little Willie Smith sat through the period seemingly wrapped in thoqght but not attempting to write. Meanwhile, the other boys worked hard and finished their efforts. " What about your essay, Willie!" asked the teacher. " Haven't done it- yet," returned the boy. The teacher looked angry. " Very well." she said, "I'll"give you josi ten minutes more to write it- If, bv the end of that time it is not finished, Twill pnnish yen rery sererely." The lime limit was almost at an end when s?ie saw Willie write something on his paper. He then handed it to the schoolmistress. _ It read: '* Heavy rain. No play. *

Love mates time Sy; and time often makes love flv.

" Do vcn stock camel-hair brashes? " " No, sir—nobody keeps camels in these 'ere pans! "

T<v](jy: " I have a beastly cold in my bead." J<jan: "Never mind, Teddy, that s something, anyway."

_ She: " The doctor lias forbidden me to sing." fie: " And to think that I had no confidence in the man!"

Vvife: " I had to marry yon to find out_ how sinpid you were." " Husband: " \ou ought to have knovrn that when I asked vou."

She {frantically i: " Baby's swallowed the ink." He (ahwntlv): " I suppose that means yon want to borrow my fountain-pen."

Author: " I left a batch of funny stories here for your approval Do you happen to have read them ?" Editor: " Yes, many times."

Constable; " Yonr worship, I caught this man is the act of stealing snsS." Magistrate: " The prisoner is discharged. Snuff was made to b© pinched."

She: You never hear of -women cashiers running o5 with their employers' money." He; " Xot often, but when it does happen they take the employer, too."

Mrs. Bones: '' And how is your poor husband i-o-day 7" Mrs. Jones: "*oh, very poorly. He's got a terrible expensive d:«ease. The doctor says he'* got to be kept in good spirits "*

" Now that we are married, perhaps I might venture to point out a few of year defects." " Don't bother, dear. I'm quite aware of them. Those defects prevented me from petting a much better man than you are."

A nervous old lady was baying a wireless set. " New, do yoa definitely assure roe that I shan't get a shock ?" she asked the assistant. " Madam," said the assistant impressiTgly, " I assure yoa that yoa won't get a shock —until you hear some of the programmes."

MOVING BY INSTALMENTS. " How many more times are you going to litter up my bus with your parcels? " growled the conductor, as the man damped a large parcel by the stairs and went inside. • " Only three times more," was the reply. " There's the mangle, thS gas stove, ana the hallstand, and then we ve moved" THE THING THAT COUNTED. Uncle John was banding cut sweets to the little ones at the Christmas party. " Now then, Bobby." he said to his nephew, '* if I give yoa twenty sweets to share with your little brother, how many will he get ?" Bobby smiled artfully. " Five," ha replied. Uncle frowned deeply on him. '* Nonsense, Bobby. You can't count," he said. " Yes, little brother can't."

JACK OF ALL TRADES. * Fie was no spendthrift, and he had advertised for a bandy man to live out at £2 a week. , The first applicant entered wish a dubious air. " What's the job Like ? he asked. " Well," was the reply, " first of all you'll have to do the rough work in the garden," " Roach work in the garden." " Then you'll have to polish all the shoes anrl clean all the windows and the knives," " Oh! " " Groom the pony and the dogs and clean the motor car.'* " Oh, yes.'' " Do ai:v repair jobs in the house — plumbing. carpentry, glaring, clock-mend-ing and so on—and wait at table." " Oh. I see."

" And hi your spare rime.' you can—" ** I'll tell you. giiv'Kor. I can sing also in rase you wa- giving a party, tune the piano, rescue people from burning buildings, and do any deep-sea diving that's got to bo dons."

Absent-Minded Man (to his son!: " Merry Christmas! How's your father!"

Doctor: "I can do cothisg for your complaint. It is hereditary." Patient; Then send tie bill to my father."

Teacher: " Can yoa tell nie the best way to learn book-keeping?" Bright Youngster: "Yes teacher; don't lend tbem."

Dealer in Second-hand Cars: " What's tile matter with the car you bought la<st week?" Victim: "Everything makes a ncise bat the horn."

Tenant: " Hie roof is so bad that it rains on mj head. How long is that going to go on ?** Landlord: " What do you think I am—ar weather prophet ?"

Mother: " Tommy, your father tells me you called him an old idiot. Is that true?" Tommy: "Yes." "Weil, I'm glad you're truthful, anyway." Donald: "Go easy. This hill's not too safe." Doris (driving): " Can't slow down—the brakes are not ■working." " You mean to say " " Oh, don't get panicky, the hooter's all right." Nurse: "That film actor who was brought in an hour ago is very handsume." Sister: "Yes, but do not take his temperature. Ha has complained that five nurse 3 have already done so.** British guide {showing places of interest) ; " It was in £his room that the Duke of Wellington received his first, commission!'* American tourifit (suddenly interested): " How much was it ? " Dad reckons the city people are not at all friendly. He was standing under a shop verandah sheltering from heavy rain. " It's coming down, ain't it ?" Dad remarked, " Did you ever see it going up I" snarled the irate city dweller. A man was praising his wife, as all men ought to do on . proper occasions. Man: She's as womanly a woman as ever was, but she can hammer nails like lightning." Listener: "That's remarkable." Man: "Yes, sir, you know lightning nrver strikes twice in the same place."

GEEATEE PUBLICITY. " I hear that your engagement to the leading lady has been broken off," said tie small-part actor to the leading man. The latter nodded dismally. " How did it happen," asked the other, " if that's not a rude question ?" " She had the nerve to demand that her name be printed on the wedding invitations in bigger and blacker .type than mine," the leading man informed him r WO3DEEFUL BARGATSTS. Two shopkeepers in the far trade were discussing the catting of prices. " I've markad all my goods down," said the first. *' to a thrid or even a quarter of the original prices." " I've gone further than that," replied his friend. "My prices are so low that when bursars broke into my shop the other night they went away withoqj taking anything. It was cheaper to come back and bny the stuff in the morning." SEAECH HEEDED. It was the tenth round of the big fight. Easter Bill was getting the worst of the encounter. " Still, bear up, Buster," said his second at the end of the round. " you'll be all right soon." " What yer mean ?" gasped Buster. " We're sent for the detective for yer," replied the second. " What yer setting at now 7" Buster angrily demanded. 14 What's a tec for !" '* To 'elp yer find the bloke what yer supposed to be 'itting." THE ILLUMI2TATED ADDRESS. The old actor was boasting of his past achievements to the very bored men:bers of the club. At last one of them put a question to the actor. *' Look, here." he said, "* you may be wonderful and all that, but I do fairly well in business, and I think I have more to be proud of than you. In fact., I've been given an illuminated address, and that is more than you can say." Die actor smiled. " Oh, no, it isn't, laddiehe said. " I aJso have had one-" " And en what occasion was that?" inquired the other. . " Once when my lodgings cangnt fire," said the actor. QUITE NATUEAE. The magisira.' e looked sieridy over his glasses at the man "in the dock. " The complainant says that vou tried to speak to her in the market square." he said. " What have you to say regarding that charge ?" The prisoner shook his head. " I was looking for my city cousin." he replied. " I have never seen her, and she was described to me as a beautiful blonde, with a perfect figure, irresistible manner, wonderful clothes, and " "" Yonr worship," cried the girl in the well of the court. " 1 don't think I'll prosecute this gentleman, after all. You know, anyone might haye made the same mistake,"