IF I WERE YOU.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIX, Issue 21086, 21 January 1932, Page 14

IF I WERE YOU.

CHAPTER XHl.—(Continued). Ma Price> for the first time definitely jgave way to her grief. She sobbed un(Bi.sguisedly. " Ah, cheer up, Mrs. Price," urged Polly. " Whatever 'ave I bin and gone and P6ne ?" moaned the stricken woman. The butler glowered coldly. " I'm telling you what you've been and gone and done. You've 'urled 'is lordship 'ere out of his ancestral home, and jyou've planted in his place a 'ideous changeling who calls his grace the Duke ef.Pevensey an onion." "Not old Pevensey ?" cried Tony delighted. " Yes m'lord, to his face. His grace [Kras speaking—rather authoritative, as his custom is—and young Syd told liiin to remember that ho wasn't the only onion in the mince." " Just what I've been wanting to tell Jiim myself for years." Slingsby was reproachful. " It .may please your lordship to treat the matter with levity, but I can assure your iordship that there was a 'ighly painful scene. 1 thought for a moment that his grace was going to have apoplexy." t> "Oh dear, oil dear, oh dear! moaned Ma Price. She looked with concern at Polly. Clearing the table, Polly fead left the champagne bottle. She now picked it up and moved to the door. You be careful of that stuff, Polly, isaid Ma Price. " Keep off it! The 'arm it does!" Polly went out with the bottle. Her departure seemed to give "Slingsby the (Comforting feeling of being in a position to thresh out a family difficulty with no Strangers present. " Now, then, ■ you !" he said briskly. "Let's have this straight. What are you (going to do about it?" " Oh dear, oh dear, oh clear!" "Stop it! you yowlir.g old nuisance!" Tony intervened. " Steady, Slingsby. Temper your acerbity with a modicum of reserve." " M'lord." The butler checked him with ill reproving glance. " Well?" .His erring sister sniffed. ♦ ' My 'ead's goin' roind so, Theodore. I Ulardly know what to do for the best." " You 'ardly know ? Of course you ]know —and if you don't know 111 tell you. Absolutely decline to give evidence. . 'wash out your fairy story. Cancel the "ole thing." " Well, 4naybe." Ma Price looked doubtful. "I'm on me way to the chapel now —to pray for guidance. Polly, my dear," ishe said, as the girl came in, " I'm off to the chapel to pray for guidance. Come .frith me as far as the corner, dearie. & All right, Mrs. Price." r Ma Price wiped her eyes. " I might have known," she said i" that disaster and trouble was going to 'appen.. The very morning I went down to End,"l broke a mirror." "You shouldn't have looked at it!" laid Slingsby. Tony eyed him, awed, as the door rlbsed. Having known the butler heretofore only' in his professional capacity, with the suave mask of office concealing anything in the way of the more tempestuous emotions, he found matter for astonishment in this new Slingsby. He had not. supposed that a butler could get off anything half as snappy as that last crack," and be was impressed, as one always is when one's fellow-man reveals unsuspected depths. " You're a hard man, Slingsby," he said. " A great cross-talk artist, but a hard mas." The butler breathed heavily. " I feel 'ard, me'lord. When I think of all the 'ami that old josser has done, J fairly bristle." W Tony stared. p " Bristle? Would yon like a shave?" " No, thank you, m'lord." Tony sighed. Life seemed to be nothing but frustration. " I'm dying to shave somebody. A barber's not a barber till he's drawn blood." The. butler frowned—respectfully, but xebukingly. t " I don't like to hear your iordship talk that way." " Sorry," said Tony. "We professionals, you know. You can't keep us off shop." V He paused, startleU A loud and unexpected snort had suddenly proceeded from his companion. At the same time, a dark flush had crept over his face. Turning, Tony perceived the reason. During his last remark, a dejected-looking figure had manifested itself in the doorway. It wore riding clothes, but not that air of jauntiness which usually goes with that costume. " Well, as 1 live and breathe," cried Tony, fifth earl in person ! Come in, old thing." Syd did not acknowledge the invitation. He was staring with gloomy hostility at the butler. In the interval of his probation at Langley End, the always rather marked antagonism between these two seemed to have become intensified. It would have been hard to say which of the pair was looking at the other with the greater dislike., "Oh!'/ he said. "You're 'ere, are yon " Yes, I'm here," replied tie butler grimly. The scowl which darkened Syd s face grew deeper. " Plotting' and sneaking, as usual, I suppose." , r " Young Syd! •" Me lord to you!' "Gentlemen," said Tony, soothingly, t* please!" He turned hospitably to the newcomer. " Take a seat. " Rather stand." „ |( "Really? Any special reason?' " Yes," said Syd briefly. " Riding lessons." Tony was sympathetic. He understood. " Hurts a bit at first, doesn't it?. Never mind. You'll soon be a horseman. " A corpse more likely. Why, blimey, I've been thrown so much, I'm not a man. I'm just a soli*i bruise in uman shape " He paused. He seemed to be wondering whether to take notice of the very unpleasant laugh which had just escaped Slingsby. 7 Deciding, on considerati >n, not to lower himself hy doing so, he proceeded. " I'm told," he said, addressing his remarks to Tonv. " that two ol my ancestors was killed in the 'unting field." Tony nodded. " Quite right. One grandfather. One tincle. Two in all." " Things like that is apt to <»o in threes," said Svd gloomily. " Ah, well, noblesse oblige." " What say?" " Let it go," said Tony. The butler forced his way into the conversation. " Serves -you right, young Syd.. Apin' your betters." " I don't want any back-talk from you, you menial." " Gentlemen !" said Tony Syd frowned. ' It's Ma's fault," he said querulously. " If she had told the trufe when 1 was won tiger it would all ave come natural. " A.man's what he is. . ." said Singsbv. " Will you Stop putting in your or.r?" " A toan's what lie is," repeated the baiter firmly, "and anyone that gives every thought and 'abit to make Ji:niedf WilttlMnii different will end up nothim * tmiiicd monkey. When you ve fMir lessons and made your*4i Joti'm going to be hue some 'SPfitifa kS W>fMft Uiat 8 iad nor face ia Sttdlo for fear sotncJnng ™ to «' v ,° "r ? .' Ny fMfi'tvi do' < yoii~-f().theacl . . '* tf(ov fffe frttheftd. ( * > " tsmeh'df* , t0 " (teiriittt&ii !■'' said tony' Genticmen!" ■ v . ,

By P. G. WODEHOUSE. Author of "A Prefect's Uncle." "The Gold Eat," i ---- • " "The White Feather," et<.. etc.

(COPYRIGHT.)

A STORY FULL OF RICH AND VHHIMSICAL HUMOUR

been fo -ced so often in the past, that there was net much change W be got out of Syd in a verbal contest, lie .wiser policy was to ignore him. He did so, pointedly. "I a /ill bid you good-day, m lord, he said heavily. "I'm" goi"g- ~ , "Yei, perhaps you d better. agreed Tony, ' before: bloodshed sets in. Look in again some time.' ■'Think you, m'lord. The butler gave Syd a haughty glance, and stalked out. •' So they've been putting you through vour pice, eh?" said Tony. " 'Are thev ?" Svd s face twisted. His manner resembled that of some victim of the inquisition who, released from the torture chamber, has been asked by an interested friend how it all came out in there. " Lumme, there isn t a minute that one of 'em isn't after me—telling me to act contrary to my mstmks. He > sighed. " I knDW it's kind of them. They ro only tryin' to he elpful. But I wish they d let "I' once in a while. " W:iat's the programme as a rule.' Svd pondered. •«*W>ll take to-day. Visit the tailor with iV brother Freddie. Riding in the Row with Freddie at two-thirty. Ighbrow concer, with Lady Lydia at five. Some sort of a lecture somewhere after dinner. " Ard when all the others are through with ne, I'm turned over to that Slingsby for leisons in foods and wines. Uw they're ealen and drunk—why—when—and what with." "If you're riding with Freddie at twothirty, won't you be a bit la'®? "I'll be more than late." Syd gave a bitter laugh. " I won't be there. Ive given him the slip.' " And here you are, back on the old SP " Ali!" Syd. inhaled deeply. "Smells good, .ion't, it ?" " Sc you've missed the shop . The innocent question seemed to have the ef'ect of sounding an alarm in Syd's soul. He ishot a quick glance at Tony, a glance both wary and defensive, as one suspeciing a trap. ~,,,, , " Oh no," he said with a feeble attempt at nor chahnce. "Just thought I'd look in." "\Vj Droitwiches are like that—-im-pulsive. And there's one or two things I'd like to fetch from my old room. Any ohiec. ? " Nine at all. Nothing's been moved." " You living up there, now ?" " N). I sleep at my club." " Mi. . ." he corrected himself. " Mrs. Price stili there, 1 suppose." " Y;s She's out at the moment. ' " IM like to see Mrs. Price again," said Syd wistfully. "Slick around, and you will, by the way/' said Tony, li when you come hack would you like mt to give you a shave . Syd stared. " Lit you shave me? No, thanka. 1m not tired of life- ' . . , "C>me, come! This isn't the spirit of the Crusading Droitwiches." " I don't care what it. is, said Syd firmly. " Safety first's my motto. You take my tip and don't try shaving till you're fitted for it. If you want to do anything cut 'ail. Then you won t go murdering anybody. And if you do cut 'air don't get carried away and try singeing. Singeing requires a steady 'and." Wilh this maxim, he withdrew. ( >( " Singeing requires a steady 'and, murmured Tony. "I'm learning something eveiy day.' He was still meditating on this cardinal truth, when he was interrupted by the arrival of another visitor . " Hullo, Tony, old top,"' said Freddie, in tie doorway CHAPTER XIV. Freddie hid changed his clothes since his first visit to the shop, and was now dazzl.ng in a natty riding-suit. He gazed at Tcny with solemn affection. Tony was delighted to see the oncefamil ar face. . , " Cld Freddie, by Jove! Come on in and have some hair-oil. I'd offer you champagne, but the bottle s gon^- " You're looking dashed fit, Tony. I was :n here this morning Did they tell y °" Yes. Sorry you went away before I got back. I could have given you lunch " ] lunched with Tubby Bridgnorth and bis future father-in-law. The old man'!! richer than Rockefeller and balder than an egg." " What egg." " Any egg." " Hut why mention the poor fellow s misfortuve to me?" . t " I've been recommending Price Derma Yitnlis to him, and 1 think lies interest ed." , .. " What, a pushful young devil you are," said Tony admiringly. " I seeOf course, that'll do me a bit of good. "Why you?" " I own the stuff, don't I ?' Freddie chuckled. " Don't be an ass. old boy. You won t be in this shop much longer. ' " You really think there's a chance ot Syd'j, not pressing his claim?" " A chance?" Freddie emitted another chuckle. " Old boy, it's a cert. The man's weakening visibly. He was talking to n:e last night about his old life as a care-free barbar. He raved with tears in his eyes about Southend and games of darts and skittles and coconut shies and winkles and jellied eels ... I tell you, the feller is pining, positively pining.' He broke off suddenly. His wanderings about; the shop had brought him in front of a mirror, and he stood there gazing at his reflection. One elegant hand came up and brushed itself against the chin. "Hullo!" " What's the matter '< ' " 1 need a shave." Anvbodv who had ever seen a warhorse' start at the sound of the bugle would have been irresistibly reminded of that sight by Tony's reaction to this remark. His body twitched. An excited gleam came into his eyes. He licked his lips furtively. " Do you ?" he said in a hushed voice, such as Moses might have used when seeing the Promised Land from the summit oi? Pisgah. "So you do. Freddie had not observed these manifestations. He had lowered himself into the chair and was lying there with his head back. ... " Where's that chap 1 spoke to this morning? Feller with specs. " You mean Meech, late of Branin s. "Is that his name? Well, ring for him and let him get busy. I haven t too much time." , . , ~ -j " Leave the whole thing to me, said swathed his victim in a sheet and began to strop a razor. Freddie sat up, alarmed. _ " What are you doing ? " Just getting things ready. Saves time." " Oh." Freddie sank back, relieved, and lony began to mix the lather. 1 hero was a rathe r solemn look on Tony's face. I here had been moments in the past —as, for instance, on the occasion when the other had sneaked his pet brassie and broken it —when he had wondered why Freddie had been sent into the world. Now lie knew. And the realisation that providence does nothing without a purpose awed liiin (To be continued daily.)