Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVIII, Issue 20988, 26 September 1931, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

A bird in the liand is vulgar. Use a knifo mid fork.

Teacher: "Why do we use soap?" Bobby (feelingly): "Thai's what I'd like to know, miss."

"Jones is going crazy over his new ear." " He,illy ? Every time I've seen him he's been going crazy under it."

Waiter: "These are the best eggs we have had for years." Diner: "Well, bring me some you haven't had so long."

Mother: " No, Tommy you can't have the hammer to play with; you will hurt your fingers." Tommy: "No, I won't. Jill is going to hold the nails."

Caller; " But why, does the doctor have his consulting hours from five to six in the evening ?"•' Doctor's Wife: " Because our patient has no other time free."

Customer: " I've brought this bacon back. It's bad." Shopkeeper: " Impossible, madam. It was only cured last week." Customer: "Well, then, it must have had a relapse."

She: " I've just turned 23," He: " Yes, I thought you were about 32."

"No woman dictates what, I do at home. I am master in my own home." Yes. I, Loo, am a bachelor.

I'air Dancing Partner: "Do you find it difficult to keep in time ?" He: "No; but the wretched music puts me out."

Friend : " Your husband was late to tile train again this morning." Mrs. Smart: " Yes, as usual he was reluctant to give the pillow tlio slip."

Magistrate: "But didn't you feel the thief's hand going into your pocket ?" Absent-minded Professor: "Yes, but I thought it was my own."

First Aimless Shopper (to second ditto) : " Well, my dear, if you're not going to buy anything we might just as well look at something more expensive."

" When I kissed her she smelt of tobacco, so I broke off the engagement." "You don't like women who smoke?" " It is not exactly that —but she does not smoke."

Hostess: "Miss Jones has no partner for this waltz: would you mind dancing with her instead of with me?" Guest (anxious to bo very obliging) " On the' contrary, 1 shall be delighted."

Friend: " How does your husband get on for his meals if you're never at homo in time to cook them? Stayaway Wife: " That's funny. The same thought came into my head only just the other day."

Schoolmastci (to small boy who didn't know his lessons): "You little dunce! Would you please go out to the butcher's next door and buy twopence worth of brains." The little boy answered: " Will I say it's you want them, sir ?"

An elderly widower laid his heart at the feet of a modern girl 'at a night club. " Oh,*' he sighed, " oh, I'd go through anything for you darling." The girl gave him a keen look. " How much," she said, " have you got to go through ?"

"Why don't you weed your garden?" " If I did there'd be nothing left in it."

Nuwedd : "My wife likes coffee for breakfast while 1 like tea." Longwedd : " You'll soon got used to coffee."

*' .Are you in favour of women faking part in public affairs?" " It's all right if you really want the affairs public."

Timothy: "Dad, why are pictures of ancestors always hung in the hall ?" Dad : " Well, the hall is generally the darkest place in the house."

" Mr. Smith, did I bring back your lawnmower after I borrowed it last week." " You did not." " Then where has it got to—l wanted to borrow it again."

Judge: " You say you do not wish to prosecute the defendant for stealing a kiss?" Fair Y6ung Thing: "No, your Honor. The property has been restored."

Angry Guest: "Are you tho manager of this place?" Hotel Manager: "Yes, sir." " I have a very serious complaint." " Heavens, don't como near me—it might be catching."

" Any old beer bottles 1" asked the rag and bone man of the acid-visaged householder. "Do 1 look as i'f I drank beer?" snapped the other. " All right," said the pedlar, " any vinegar bottles ?"

" Your majesty," reported the cannibal cook, " one of the castaways from the wrecked liner is a millionaire." " Cook him for my wives," ordered the cannibal king. "He would be too rich for me."

" Mummy, it says in the paper that the theatre wants ' supers.' What are they?" " People who appear and say nothing," replied the proud mother. The youngster thought the matter over, then said: " Then can't daddy apply ?"

The Chairman: "This meeting has been called to support the new movement for preserving our rural beauties — Plain Village Spinster (going out indignantly) : "I think it's an insult to suggest that we need preserving!"