Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVIII, Issue 20851, 18 April 1931, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Dentist: "Stop crying; tlio 1 > n<' 1 tooth is out." Harold: " I know: I»ut now I'll have to go hack to school."

Bill: "I borrowed my brother's patent leather slippers." Keg: "Why?" "Because the patent has expired on mine."

The Guest : " Been long in the service of the family. Jenks ? " The Buller: " Indeed, sir. 1 am now serving the third degeneration."

" I'm putting on weight, docLcr. What, should 1 do?" Doctor: " Regular exercise. Push yourself away from the lable three times a day."

"Lady," said the trnmji. "would you loud ine"a cake oT soap?" "Do you moan to tell me you want soap?" " \es, lady. Mc partner's got hiccups an' i. wan't to scare him."

A negro boxer wait (o fight a heavyweight champion. When he reached the ring it was noticed that he hung back. " it's all light, Sam," said his second. " Just say to yourself, ' I'm going to beat him,' and you'll win." " That's no good, boss," replied Sam. " I know what a liar I am."

The straight and narrow path is the only one that seems to have no traffic problem.

Bore: "Do voir believe in the power of prayer ? " Host: " I would if you had gone home an hour ago."

Helen: "So Peggy's new boy is u Scotchman? How does lie treat her?" Mabel: " Very reluctantly, 1 believe."

Earnest Salesman: " You can put this material to any test,, madam. And I can guarantee it. will come uut with fly ing colours."

Smith: " And do the people next door borrow much from you?" Jones: "Borrow ! Why, 1 feel more aL home in their house than in my own."

Mrs. Siiuld>: " lias your new neighbour entertained you yet?" Mrs. Piuhb: " Often. Only yesterday sho and her husband had a row on the verandah."

George: "Gambling's too risky; you should give it up. One gains one day and loses the next." Georgina: "Well, then, it's easy. Play every other day."

He: 1 hear Smith accidentally shot himself while looking down a gun barrel." She: " Will ho recover?" He "I think so, hut he will never look the samo way again."

Wife: " Look at the cake I decorated for my birthday-party. Don't you think my design is wonderful ? " Husband (counting candles): " Yes; but your arithmetic's terrible."

Maid: "The master do write a lot. nuiin." Mistress: " Yes, Susan, lie's writing a novel." Maid: "Lor, mum, fancy 'mi going to nil that trouble when 'e could buy one for sixpence."

" There are two sides to every ques lion," proclaimed the wise man. " Yes." said I lie fool. " and there are two sides to a sheet of flypaper, but it makes a difference to the fly which side he chooses."

" Take care of yourself, dear," said the public speaker's wife, as her husband set off for an open-air meeting. " Yes, yes, I will," he answered. "That's right," she said, " and, remember, don't stand with your bare head on the damp ground."

," Over in California we have a lilac hush 50ft. high." " 1 wish I could lilac that."

" Did that young man talk business la. night, Ethel?" " Yes, mother; and ht said it was very had.'

N ew Boarder: " When I left my last place, the landlady wept. Landlady. •' J won't. You'll pay in advance.

A • " How do you like the art gallery .' I): "Oh, the pictures are good enough, but there aren't any good jokes under them! "

Little Girt: " I'm glad I wasn't born in France, daddy." Dad: " Why, my child . Little Girl: "'Cos I don't know my French."

" llow did the detectives discover that the burglar was disguised as a, woman ? " Ho passed a draper's window without looking in."

lie: "But, darling, don't you want to marry a man who is economical She: "I suppose so; but its not much fun being engaged to one."

Father (reading yearly report) : Why are vou always behind with your studies, Robert?" Robert (quickly): So that 1 can pursue them, father."

" Papa, it says in this book: ' The woman sobbed, tore her hair, beat her breast, and fainted.' What does that mean" That she wanted a new buccal, my son."

Miss Browne: "I frankly admit I am looking for a husband.' Mrs. Gteene. "So am I." " But I thought you had one? " "So i have, and 1 spend most of my time looking for him "

Forest: "1 have always noticed somethin" rather extraordinary about widows' weeds." Paddock: "Oh! What's that?" Forest: 41 They seldom interfere with the growth of orange blossoms on the same soil."

A legal man, after having dined very well, caught the last bus home on a wet evening. " Full inside, sir," said the conductor. The prospective passenger fixed him with, a glassy but indignant eye. "Is thish information," he asked, "or an allegation ? "