Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVIII, Issue 20762, 3 January 1931, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Teacher: '"Tommy, if vou gave your little brother nine apples and you look away seven, what would that make ?" Tommy: "It would make him yell." " Havo you heard the awful story about Mrs. Smith ? It has quite upset me." "No; what is it?" "Oh, I wanted to ask you—l am not quite sure myself." Begg;ir: "Can you spare me a pair of very c'.d shoes? Lady: " But you are wearing ijiiite good ones." Beggar: " I know, ma'am, and they are ruining my business."

" Ah!" he sighed. "If you only gavo mo the least possible hope, I " "Good gracious!", retorted the hardhearted belle. " I've been giving you the least 1 ever gavo to any man." Father: " How are you getting along at school, my boy?" Teddy (triumphantly): " Awfully well, dad. Tho teacher said that if all the boys were like nie ho would shut up the school to-morrow." "■ Your wife is a very systematic woman isn't sho ?" "Yes, very! She works on the theory that you can find whatever you want when you don't want it by looking whore it wouldn't bo if you did want it!"

Guest (angry at being kept waiting at station): " So'you couldn't find me, eh? Didn't your master describe me?" Chauffeur: " Yes, sir; but there are so many bald-headed old buffers with red noses." Employer: " I want to compliment you. You arc the best collector .we have on our force. The letters you send out nre irresistible. Where did you pet your experience?" Employee: "I have a son in college." Officer (in Chinese rebel army) : " Flag of truce, Excellency." His Excellency: What do the revolutionists want?" Officer: "They would like to exchange a couple of generals for a can of condensed milk." " Mummy, didn't I hear you tell the cook always to lock the pantry door 1" "Yes, Teddy. Why do yoi. ask?" "Because I found it unlocked yesterday, and to give her a lesson I ate all the tarts that were left." Pie had just been worsted in a business deal, and ho was very angry. " I look upon you, sir, as a rascal," he growled. " You are privileged," said the other man, " to look upon me. in any character you care to assume!" Mr. Peewit: "Why did you get me such big shirts? These are four sizes too large for me." His Wife: "They cost me just the same as your size, and I wasn't going to let a shop assistant know I married such a little shrimp." A burly dog fancier was taking his big Alsatian for a run when he met a man with a very small puppy at the end of a lash. "Hi. guv'nor!" shouted the burly one, "Hold that dog of yours tight; I think mine's going to sneeze!" No Change.—The professor's wife was speaking: "I must say, James," she said, " That you do not look so well dressed as you lused to." " That's strange," said the professor, thoughtfully, " for they are the same clothes." There were several small holes in the garden fence. " What are those holes for?" asked little Jack of his big brother Tom. " Those are knot holes," said Tom in a superior tone. " If they are not _ holes, then what are they?" queried Jack.

The prison visitor was going round the cells, and was asking rather fatuous questions. " Was it your love of drink that brought you here?" she asked a prisoner. " Lor', no, miss," replied the man. "You can't get nothin* here!" M. Gabalot: " And so you are the lady who is giving my wife painting lessons. What sort of a pupil is she ?" Miss Dauber: "Well, I find her very apt, to say the least." Mr. Gabalot: "That's funny. I always find her apt to say the most!" " Yes, sir," panted the new shepherd, " I got all the sheep in, but I had to run spine to get those lambs." "Lambs? J have no lambs. Let's see what you got," was" the answer. Looking into the shed, the astonished owner saw fourteen panting rabbits. An American visitor was exploring London by taxi. On arriving at the Embankment he inquired of the taximan: " Say, guy, what's that little old stream over there?" "Good heavens!" replied the taximan, " why, my petrol tank must bo leaking." A poet who had been asked to write a few verses for a special occasion found himself at a loss. Ho looked up at his friend. " I have got here, ' I saw myself in a dreary waste,' but I want another word to finish the line." " Basket," suggested his friend. " Now Charles," said the teacher, " if your father can do a piece of work in one hour, and your mother can do it in one hour, how loijg would it take both of them to do it?" "Three hours," answered Charles, " counting the time they would waste in arguing." The vicar was paying a visit to one of his parishioners to see the new twins. "And this is a little girl?" he asked, lifting one of tho babies out of the cot. " Yes, sir," said the proud father. " And the other one? Is that of the contrary, sex?" "Yes, sir, she is a girl, too." The enraged man was uttering shrieks of pain. " Confound it, madam!" he cried. "Do you realise that your dog has bitten my leg badly—yes, badly, madam ?" The dog's mistress picked up her pet. " You naughty Fido," she said, chidingly. " I'll punish you for that! I shall take this pretty piece of ribbon off your collar for a whole week.