SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20722, 15 November 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

TWO PINTS OF BEER. " There's a wonderful echo about here," said the guide to the man who was talking in the Lake district, " but you have to shout very loud. Now, you just/ yell, 'Two pints of beer!'" The man shouted, and then listened. I hear no echo," said he. "Oh, weil," said the guide, "here comes the inn keeper with our beer, anyway !" BETTY'S CLEAN PLATE. Little Hetty bad tyeen allowed to stay up to dinner one night on the strict understanding that she should behave very well and not ask for anything on the table. When dessert, came all the guests were attended to, but Hetty was quite overlooked. She sat despondently for a time and then was struck by a bright idea. She exclaimed in a loud voice, " Who wants a clean plate?" THE IRISH MAGISTRATE. At an Irish police court the habitual drunkard was summoned for the usual cause. " Ten shillings or seveu days," remarked the magistrate. " But, sir, Oi've only got two shillings in the world, at all, ' replied the prisoner. " Well, you must go to gaol then. If you hadn't spent the money getting drunk you would have been able to pay the tine." THE HOUSEHOLD TREASURE. .Mrs. Royson had secured a treasure of a maid, and she was extolling her virtues to a few envious friends when the girl herself entered Ihe room with tea. " Oh, Anne,' said Mis. Royson, breaking off her conversation with her friends, " will you run upstairs and fetch a letter I left on my dressing table, please?" "Which one, mum?" c inquired the faithful maid, "the one about your brother's weddin' or Mr. Brown's letter about the bazaar?" GUIDE GETS ONE BACK. One of the lady tourists to a Western reservation in Canada was a human questionnaire, and at Inquiry No. 1000 even tlio long-suffering guide was losing his patience. " Ob, tell me," she cried, " who is that great tall Indian standing by himself over there," " Madam," answered the weary guide, "That is Sitting Bull. He is" on his vacation." WELL SUITED. Tommy 8., a youth of 17. was over six feet high and thin as a walking stick. The other day he visited an uncle, who said: "And what might your father mean to make of tfoti, Tommy?" " He intends me for the Church," replied Tommy, proudly. "Well, well," replied Uncle: "you will suit very well in one respect."

"Thank you," said Tommy, highly pleased. " May I ask in what respect you mean ?" Yes." answered Uncle. " I think you will make a fine steeple." ENCORING THE PLAYER. A traveller put up for the night at a little inn in Perthshire. Next morning he was approached by the landlord, who said he was delighted to hear that the traveller had enjoyed the cornet-playing in the bed-room next to his. Enjoyed it!" exclaimed the traveller, why I spent half the night pounding on the wall to make the lunatic stop!" The hotel-keeper smiled. " Why," he said, " the cornet-player told me that the man in the next room applauded him so heartily that he played every piece lie knew five times over!" ONLY HALF A CROWN. Young Angus had been out for the evening with his best girl. When he got home he found his father still sitting up. The old man looked up and shook his head. Ilae ye been oot wi' yon lassie again, my son ?" he asked. ■ • :^ye ' dad," replied young Angus. Why do ye look sae worrited *" " I was just wonderin' how much the evening cost, my son." " No more than half-a-crown, dad." "Aye? That was no sae bad." It was all she had," said Angus. WORSE THAN BANKRUPT. Moses met Ikey in the street and said to him, " You're looking very blue today Ikey. Vol's troublin' you ?" "I'm bankrupt; that s vot s the matter." "Bankrupt, eh?" said Moses, "but vot did you settle on your vife ?" "1 settle nothing on my vife," said Ikey. "Yell, vot flid you settle on your daughter," "I scltle nothing on my daughter," groaned Ikey.

Vy, exclaimed Moses, " you are not bankrupt, you are ruined !"

SOMETHING FOR BRAGCUNQ. Next ease," called out. the clerk, and an Irish couple worn ushered into (lie court-room. The wifo was a strong, broad, healthy-looking woman, and her husband was a poor, meek, battered little man. The magistrate adjusted his glasses, then turned to the man and asked; You art; accused of beating your wife. Do you plead guilty or not guilty ?" Guilty, sit - ," said the little man without a moment's hesitation. " Forty shillings or seven days," said the magistrate. After the session was over one of tlie court officials asked the magistrate if he hadn't, been rather severe in punishing the littlo fellow.

"Oh, no," exclaimed the magistrate; "I had to givo him something for bragging !"