ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20722, 15 November 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Master: "What King came after Qi/een Elizabeth?" Schoolboy: "Philip of Spain, but she turned him down."

A: "What kind of car has Tom?" "B: " Well, he'd feel tremendously flattered if you called it second-baud."

!>ho: " You remind mo of the sea." lie: "Wild, romantic, relentless—" {She: "No. you just make me sick."

Junkman: " Any rags, papers, old iron?" Householder (angrily): "No, ttiv wife's nwav.'" Junkman: "Any bottles ?"

A Scot was playing a round of golf with his daughter. " Maggie." lie said, "is to-day your birthday? Well, then, I'll givo ye this hole."

"George fell out of his car the other Hav, and nearly broke his peninsula." >"His what?" "Peninsula! A long reck stretching out, to see."

' Can you tell me liovv far it is to the station ?" tlie traveller asked tlio sinail boy. " Yes, sir," said the youngster. " It's about twenty minutes' walk if you run."

Guest (departing at last): "Good-bye. Hope I haven't kept you out of bed." Host (politely): "That's all right. Wo should have been getting out soon in any case."

The professor was conducting an intelligence test. Suddenly he pounced on a student: " How many make a million ?" " Not many," said the student. He passed.

Arthur: " Dear, didn't you notice that ♦he sauce at the hotel last night tasted of furniture polish?" Martha: "Yes, darling; but it went well with cabinet pudding."

Angry Motorist:" Hey, some of you people walk along as if you owned the streets." Irate Citizen: " Yes, and some of you motorists drive as if you owned the car."

" Your sister's a long time about making her appearance." suggested the caller. " Well," said the little brother, " she'd bo a sight if she came down without making it."

"What do you know about Cologne? - ' the teacher asked the class. For a moment there was silence. Then a hand shot up. "Please, miss, that's-whei'a the odoUr comes from."

Wife; "Do you know of what you remind me ?" Husband: "No, but 1 know of what you remind me." Wife: "What?" Husband: "Of every little thing I happen to forget."

Fiijst Holiday maker: "Troubled with indigestion, eh ? You should drink a cup of hot water every morning." Second Holidaymaker: " I do. They c;dl it coffee at my bording-house."

bandy, I dinna like that way you drive so close to the car ahead. An' it's night, too." " Whist ye, woman. Dinna ye ken that I can turn off my headlights that way, and save the battery."

" I never knew until 1 got a car," said the bishop, " that profanity was so prevalent." "Do you hear much of it on tho road?" "Why," replied tho bishop, " nearly everybody I bump into Bweair dreadfully."

" Weel, Jock, Ah hear ye've got married./' " Aye, Donald." " An' what kind o' match did yc rnak' ?" " Weel, Donald, to tell ye the truth, Ah didna do sao weel as Ah expected, but Ah dinna think she did either."

Cook: "If you please, ma'am, may ] entertain my fiance in tho kitchen this evening?" Mistress: " But I thought you b''oko it off with him last night, Mary?" "So I did, ma'am, but, naturally, I gave him a month's notice."

The amateur gardener was showing the heaiities of his greenhouse. " This," he said, pointing to a flower, " belongs to tho petunia family." " Does it?" commented the sweet young thing. " J suppose you're minding it while they're away?" '

Rank C'Wk : " No, madam, I am sorry, but we can't cash that cheque. Your husband's account is overdrawn." Mrs. LanW/de: "Oh, overdrawn, it is? I know something was wrong when 'ho signed it. without waiting for nje to go into hysterics."

Boy: " You have a vacancy for a hoy, I believe, sir?" Employer: "Yes, but -T tell you at once »hat ho must 'ho a boy who never tolls a lio, novel- swears, end never gives a (li.scotirt.cous answer." Hoy: " I || .send by cousin, sir; he's deaf and dumb."

I lie teacher was discussing Hying with hts class. A young pupil interrupted; 1" 1 ;is '< i' question, sir? Isn't, the earth expected t,, disappear sonic, time or other?" Teacher: » Yes." Pupil ; •• Then where will the people laud who am flying at Iho time?"

Iho employer called his sccretaiv. ** Hero, John, look at this letter, I can't, make out whether it's from my tailor or rny lawyer. They're both named Smith." And this is what .John read: "| have begun your suit. Heady to be tried on u hursday."—Smith.

Jones 'to his grocer): "You scorn angry, Mr. Brown." Brown: "I am. The. inspector of weights and measures has just been in." Jones: "Ha, ha! He caught you giving 150/„ to (lie pound, did he?" Brown: "Worse than that,. ITe said I'd been giving 17."

It was a wild night, with rain falling iti torrents, and outside a house stood a »waving figure. A policeman said: " Why don't you go inside out of the storm ?" Shtorm ! Shtorm ?" came the answer. " My wifo'sh waiting for me in there, »ud you call this a shtorm!"

A near-sighted man lost his hat in a wind. He gave chase. A woman •creamed front a near-by farm house: '* What are you doing there ?" " Getling my hat," ho replied. " Your hat," txc.laimed the woman. " That's our litilo/black lien you're chasing.".