SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20668, 13 September 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

THE OTHER MAN'S HAT.

The mild little man, inclined to deafness, had just finished lunch at a smart restaurant. Ho was about to leave when he noticed the orchestra was about to start playing again. At the same moment an angry voico bellowed in his ear: " Sir, removo that hat at once!" He turned and faced the angry man on his left.

" Pardon me," he said, meekly, " are they playing tho National Anthem ?" " No, you idiot," roared the other—- " it's my hat."

THAT EXPLAINED IT.

A young fellow was walking along tho street looking very disconsolate, when ho met iv friend, who noticed his sad expression.

"Hello, Bert!" exclaimed the friend, "anything gone wrong?" " Yes," answered Bert, sadly. "My girl won't look at mo since I sent her a birthday presont, and it cost me five pounds. 1 can't think why it is." " What did you solid her, Bert ?" asked tho friend.

" A beauty outfit," replied Bert,

SMITHSON AND THE SOUP. Smithson entered a restaurant and looked down tho menu card. " Chicken soup," he ordered. Presently the soup was put before him, but with the first mouthful tho waiter noticed that something was wrong. "Do you call this chicken soup ?" asked Smithson, angrily. " Yes, sir," replied the waiter, " that is chicken soup."

" But where's the chicken ?" asked tho diner. " I see none in this soup." " Quite so, sir," explained the waiter; " and there is no dog in dog biscuit."

HOW THE DOCTOR SCORED.

A notoriously mean man, hearing that a doctor charged 6s 6d for a first consultation and 2s 6d for a second, Avent to him and said: ' Here we are again, doctor." *' I don't remember seeing you before," said tho doctor. " Oh, yes, I was here last week." " Indeed, I had forgotten. How are you keeping ?" " Not at all well." " Then," said the doctor, " just continue your last prescription for another week. That will bo twoand-sixpence, please."

LETTING HIM DOWN.

The now member of a southern borough council felt very proud of himsolf, and nodded amicably at any passer-by whom he thought he had seen beforo. " Excuse mo, sir," responded one man to whom he had given a particularly affable bow, " but I think 1 saw your likeness in the papers." " Er—yes, my photograph has been rather prominent lately," gushed the new member.

" I thought I could tell your face again," continued - the other. " And, do you know, I've tried that very same medicine for my rheumatism and it hasn't cured me."

A FRIEND IN NEED

Mrs. Thumper—who was aspiring, much to her husband's agony, to be a wakened him early one morning and exclaimed: "John, John! There's a burglar downstairs! I just heard him bump against tho piano keys." "By jove!" her husband replied. " I'll just run down." " But—John, dear," she implored him, "be careful not to do anything rash, won't you ?" " Rash ?" he said. "Of course, I'll bo careful. I'm only going to givo him a hand. Why—the poor blighter'll never be able to get that piano away without some assistance!"

THE BETTER WAY.

It was the day before tho annual cricket match between tho rival village teams. The vicar of the parish and chairman of the home club called on tho captain and gave him some money with which to buy a new ball and a new bat. " That may help you to gain a few runs and take a few wickets," ho told the captain. The following afternoon, five minutes before the match had been advertised to start, tho vicar again approached tho captain. " Did you got the bat and ball ?" ho asked.

"No! Bats and balls won'/, help us," replied the captain emphatically,' " I gave the money to the umpire."

REVENGE IS SWEET,

The very liarasscd-looking young man stood oufsido tho big jeweller's shop winfiow clutching half a brick in his hand. Presently he raised his arm to throw the missile, when suddenly a policeman arrived on the scene and held his arm.

"What are you doing?" asked the constablo angrily. " I'm going to whack it through that window, snapped tho young man desperately. " Smash-and-grab raid, eh ?" replied the constable officiously. " You'd bettor come along to file station." " Oh, but T don't want any of the jewels!" put iri the young man hastily. " T only want my revenge on them for selling me a wedding-ring last year."

MAKING SURE.

Wilson, the commercial traveller looked at tho long list of calls and the list of trains he hud to catch during the week's tour of the .N'orth Islr.nd.

" I don't mind getting up early in tho morning,' ho ventured; " but you'vo left very little time lor mo to havo my meals."

You can eat on tho trains," replied the'employer. "You can't waste much time with all those calls to mako."

Wilson departed, and a week later ho returned to tho office.

" Well," asked his employer, " got a good bunch of ordors?" Wilson hesitated for a moment, and then said cheerfully: "Well, I haven'* got any orders, sir, but I caught all blooming trains."