ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20650, 23 August 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Teacher: " What is the plural of ftenny ? " Bertie: " Twopence," The Bore * •" One thing I have always Breaded is that I may be buried prematurely." Tho Bored: "How could you?" j Poet (to wife): "My dear, 1 ought to give a celebration party to-day. I have just had my poem returned for the 25th time." Il ICaty: " Theso pearls were given to me on my last birthday. Kitty: "Very pretty. How many years havo you had jLkega ? " ■ - Guest: "Did you say, this was a Corireggio ?' Host":' " No,i a replica." Guest: " Oh, well, he's a pretty good man, too, isn't he? " !' Why, that steak must weigh three pounds at least. Surely you're not going to eat it all alone?"'" No; I'm just waiting for the vegetables." •" Buy a ticket for your concert ? But I don't know you." " Yes you do, sir. I'm the man who turns your water off .when you don't pay tho rates." Young Lady: "You should not drink But of the saucer, uncle; you should drink out of the cup." Uncle: "What, nnd poko mo eye out wi' t' spoon! " Visitor: VlDon't you spank your son jwhen he's naughty?" Mothor: "Wo 6hould liko to, but he's the only one who Can mend tho wireless if its goes wrong. Magistrate: "What is your complaint figainst defendant?" Plaintiff: "Please, your Worship, ho called me a thief and fool, aijd 1 havo witnosses to prove it."

The butcher had caught Sandy M'Nab's [Aberdeen terrier with one of his joints ! in its mouth. " Hay, Mr. M'Nab," he cried. "Is that your dog?" "It was," said M'Nab, but it's keeping itself I now." Vocalist: " I'm afraid I didn't do very !rcll." Wireless Announcer: " Oh, that's »ill light. As a matter of fact, through an error, you were announced as ' Farmyard ' " Alfred, dear, I feel it in my bones that you are going to tako me to the theatre to-night. "Which bone, darling?" "I'm not sure, but I think, it's my wishbone." pi?"k-' Father: " My son, you should save your money. You shouldn't have bought that j car—you are living beyond your station." Bon: " Certainly I am—two miles. That's why I had to have a car." / , " Don't ever borrow money from him 'I «—he's a shark. Ho wants 50 per cent. !n tho winter and 60 in the summer." " Why more in the summer ? " " Because the days are longer." ; Store manager: " What do you mean arguing witli that customer? Don't 'you know our rule? The customer is always right." Assistant: "I know it. But ho insisted that ho was wrong." j j Gefijp Mamma, people are lashamed they always get red in the face, don't tjfev?" Mamma.: " They generally /'do, dear;'' " Then I wonder why Uncle Jim only gets ashanied in his nose." She: "1 hfler you fainted at tho party last night and that they brought you to." He: " Yes, and then I fainted again." If Good gracious! And what happened !then ?" They brought me two more." Marie: "I have an engagement with / ' young Saphead,. and I don't know how to get out of it." Helen: " Haven't you any reason for breaking it off?" " Yes, /1 havo a reasoii. He is the reason but I j*vanfc an excuse." She had engaged a new maid, and by (way of recommendation rather than exf planation said: "We're Welsh, you 1 know." " Oh, that's quite all right," said the applicant, reassuringly. " I was once jtvith a Chinese couple!' I Tammas: "What do you mean by a /'dear friend, Sandy?" Sandy: "I dinna ken, but the dearest friend I ever had was a man that was married three times. He cost me two wreaths and three wedding presents in six years." ' Traveller: " May I show you my samples, sir ? If you remember, I' executed your last order with prompitude and despatch." Iraportan x . Person: "I gave you no order!" Traveller: "Pardon, sir; j you said ' Get out,' and I got." ,j She: "I'm so sorry, Bertie, but 1 relly '■ cannot marry you. Perhaps some other girl will make you forget me." He: " It's no good, Vera; I can never forget you." / She: "Oh, yes, I think you can. You did it very well on my last birthday." Nurse was putting Johnny to bed, and / eeeing his clothes lying on the floor in a ' heap said, " Now who was the naughty little man who didn't fold his trousers jI before he got into bed ?" Tho little boy grinned cheerfully and said, Oh Adam." ' This is the story of a social worker |who ordered soda water without flavour. ."Without which flavour?" asked the clerk. " Without strawberry flavour." /' "We haven't any strawberry to-day." •" Then I'll take it without chocolate flavour."

Counsel had just asked a question and tho accused did not grasp tho meaning. " Counsel means that you say what happened," said the judge. " Indeed I ;wbn'fc!" was the indignant reply; "what ido you suppose I pleaded 4 Not guilty' for?" She was having her first driving lesson. I" Tlio hand lever," said her instructor, brakes the rear "wheels only, and tho foot-pedal brakes all four. Is that clear ?" " Y—Yes," replied tho learner, doubtthein broken." The vicar was inquiring of one of his flock why he had not been to church for several Sundays. " Well, you see," said the man unctuously, " I've been troubled •with a bunion on my foot." " Strange," commented tho parson, " that a bunion should impede the pilgrim's progress." Kelly: "1 say, Simms, you are just the men I. want to see. You've known me now for five years, haven't you ?" Simms: " Yes." " Well, would you lend me a fiver?" „ " Sorrv, Kellv, old manj but I cap't.'r.; «< Can't? Why not?" Because-Vvo known you for fivo years." „ T he arrived home from his Saturday afternoon round of golf and flopped into his cosy, armchair. His little son came and sat on his knee, and after playng with his father's hair and ears for t 'l® suddenly sniffed and said, jJo, daddy, don't you smell of golf?"