SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20288, 22 June 1929, Page 8 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

PRIDE • HAS A FALL. A shopkeepci was very proud of tho fact that at last he had been able to afford a mechanical cloctric sign outside his shop. But it was a blow to his dignity when one day an old countryman popped his head through the door and said: "Say, mister, there's summat wrong with your lights. They keeps going out." LESSON IN ARITHMETIC. The teacher was giving her class the first lesson in subtraction. " Now, in order to subtract," she explained. " things have to be of tho same kind. For in stance, we coul 4 rot take three apples from four pears, nor six horses from nine clogs." A hand .went up at the back of the room. " Teacher," called a small boy, " can't you take three quarts of milk from four cows ?"

IT WAS NOT WORTH IT. A Scot climbing in the Alps had fallen into a deep crevasse. " Bide a wee bittie, Jock, I'll soon hae ye oot o' that!'' called his companion, I'm awa" to yon village for a rope." Two hours latei he returned. " Ar-re ye still there, Jock ?" " Aye," came the faint .response. " It's nae use, ma mannie, they're askin' feefteen shillings for the rope!" CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES. He was to be married, and he went to his tailor to be measured for the wedding outfit. When the ordeal was over, the tailor coughed apologetically. . " 1 am sorry, Mr Smith, but 1 must ask you to pay cash for these suits. " What! I've had an account with you for fourteen years, c>nd I'vo always settled half-yearly!" " I know, sir,'\ apologised the tailor, - but up to now you've always had tho handling of your own money!"

THE FASTIDIOUS GUEST. A fastidious miest was staying at a second-class hotel. Ho made constant complaints to the management, his chief grievance being that, no matter how hard or how long lie pulled the old-fash-ioned bell-ropes, he could never get any attendance. The manager bore these complaints stoically, but at the end of his guest's stay he got his own back. He added this item to the bill: — " Exercising on our .dumb-bells. . . 15s 6d." HE WAS JUST THE MAN. " Tominv Atkins pleaded exemption from church on the ground that ho was an agnostic. The sergeant-major assumed an expression of innocent interest. " Don't you believe in the Ten Commandments ?" he mildly asked the bold free-thinker. "Not one. sir,'' was the reply. " What! Not the rule about keeping the Sabbath ?" " No, sir." " Ah, well you're the very man I've been looking .for to scrub out the canteen."

BY INSTALMENTS. All the morning she had been trying to teach her small pupils Iho mysteries of simple addition. Ono small boy seemed far behind the others at grasping even the simplest ideas. "Look, here, Bobby!" she said, for (ho fifth time. " Let's suppose your father saves a pound- every week for four weeks. What will he have afc tho end of that time'' " Bobby had his answer ready. " A gramophone, a new suit, a wireless set, and new furniture for 11.0 house," he replied, proudly. WIZARD OF THE WIRES. " Almost every man can find work if he uses his brains," asserted one who had travelled a good deal—" that is, if lie has the ability to adapt himself, like the piano-tuner I once met in the West of America. " ' Why,' I said to him, for we were in a wild, unsettled country, ' surely piano-tuning can't be very lucrative here? I shouldn't imagine that pianos were very plentiful in this region.' " 4 No, they're not,' said the pianotuner, ' but I make a pretty fair income by tightening up barbed-wire fences! ' " THE PLAINTIFF'S OBJECTION. It had been a tiring case for everybody concerned. TII9 plaintiff and tho defendant were both slow-witted, and everything had had to be explained to them at least twice. " Do I understand, my man," said tho magistrate at ono point, " that tho defendant hurled invectives at you ?" The plaintiff scratched his head wildly. Then a look ot understanding dawned in his eyes as he replied: " No. sir. To tell the truth, it was only bricks tie threw at me; but what I complain about was the teirible way he swore at me when they missed!"

BETTER RESULTS. A gang of navvies xt'ere at. work 011 a deep trench. There was a Scottish foreman on the job, ;md ho was far from popular on account of his hustle and keenness, "Jump oot o' that trench there!" he suddenly ordered ono navvy. Tho latter did so. " Noo jump back again!" said the former. Back went the labourer. "Oot again—quick !" This out-and-in performance went on for some time until tho labourer, exasperated. asked what it was all about. " Well, if you want to know," said the foreman, " I'll tell ye. Yer bringin' mair muck oot on yer boots than ye've done wi' yer spade for tho last hour!"

NEW STO& ; 7 OF THE ARK. Mr. George Graves, the well-known comedian, recently recounted in his own inimitable way another story about, the animals and the ark. It seems that none of them had any names, and as Noah had not the wit to invent them, the task fell to Noah's sou. " Now, (here's n queer animal," said Noah. " Look at its long legs and that huge long neck. What shall we call that ?" " Call il a giraffe," said tho son. Fine.' replied Noah, " giraffe it shall be. But what about that animal that looks like a cat except for its stripes. What about turn ?" " Tiger," said the son. " Splendid," said Noah, and so it went cfn until a pair of frogs made their appearance. " Those are strange beasts,' said , Noah, " I can't imagine what to call them." " Call 'em frogs," said Noah's son. For the first time Noah wilted a little Cocking a suspicious eye at his son, he inquired, "Frogs? Why frogs, sonny?'' '' Because they jolly well look liko frogs 1" was the reply.