CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20235, 20 April 1929, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

"I've been trying to think of n word for two weeks." " What about fortnight ?" Sea: " I say, what makes your yacht jump so?" Sick: "Oh, tho thing is on a tack." Ringmaster: "Who broke that trapeze?" Acrobat: "I did, mister, with my little acts." Philip: " I hate those revolving doors.** Morris: "Sodo I. You can't slam them when you'ro mad." Friend: " Someone has stolen my car." Neighbour: "These antique collectors will stop at nothing." Physics Teacher " What steps would you take if this poisoning gas escaped?" Student: " Long ones." Maid: " Professor, the next room is on fire!" "Professor: " Why worry mo? Am I in tho next room?" Poet (dreamily) : " I can see poems in tho fire. Critic (arousing) : " I've seen some that should be." " I think it's awfully foolish of Kathleen to wear such tight shoes." " It's the only chance she has of being squeezed." Constable: "Your car awaits without." Diner: " Without what ?" Constable: "Without lights. Name and address, please." Teacher: "Jones, this is the third time I've seen you look on Smith's paper." Jones: "Yes, sir, he doesn't write very plainly, sir." " Yes, they're still very much in love!" "Really?" "Rather. When she's away she writes letters to him whether she wants money or not." Sax Player (at intermission) : " Can't wo play a game to pass the time away?" Dru'mmcr: "Let's play 'follow the leader' for a change." "Do you ever work in the inquired a friend of a financier. ' Well, remarked tho latter reflectively, "I sometimes water my stocks." First Actress: " Yes, when I came out tho audience simply sat open mouthed." Second Actress: " Oh, nonsense. They never yawn all at once." Flapper: " I would like to try on that vieux rose frock in the window." Sales Lady: " I'm sorry, that's a lamp shade, but wo could copy it for you." " How did you like tho sample of my marrow jam I sent you?" "Was that mar low jam? Oh, my dear, I'm sorry! My husband is using it for sticking stamps m his album!" Teacher, to Pupil: " Why are you late again, young man ?" " Pupil: "My sister was married this morning." Teacher: "Well, seo that it does'nt happen again." Young Gentleman: "I want to marry your daughter." Father of tho Young Lady: "What does she say about it?" Young Gentleman: "She says she's willing if you disapprove." Explorer: "Just to show you tho advance of civilisation —in the past tho Eskimos used to eat candles for dessert." Old Lady: "And now, I suppose, they cat clcctiic light bulbs!.

Natural History Teacher: "Tom. what -does a bat do in the winter?" Willie: " It splits, if you don't oil it !"- Traffic Officer: "Here, didn't you see me wave my hand?" Fair Motorist: " Yes, but we never met before." " Don't risk the rice pudding," said the old boarder to the new one. " There was a wedding next door yesterday." Teacher: "What is an island, Charles?" Charley: "A place where the bottom of the sea sticks up through tho water." He: "If you keep looking at me like that I'm going to kiss you." She: "Well, I can't hold this expression much longer." "I feel relieved." "How's that?" " I just finished paying for the wrist watch my wife bought me for Christmas." Pedestrain (to passing motorist): " Hi, mister, I'm going your way." Motorist: "So I see; but I'll get there before you do." Teacher: " Do you know who the Black Prince was, Tommy?" Tommy: " Yes, ma'am, he Avas the son of old King Cole." " So Helene is playing the shy, demure young tjiing now ?" "Yes, and her grandmother's trying to teach her to blush." Motorist: " Officer, I left my car here an hour ago, and now it's gone." Policeman: "It must have been stolen." "Oh, no! I have insured it against theft." Mother: "What are you crying for, Tommy?" Tommy: "Father's hit his thumb." Mother; " That's nothing to cry about; you should laugh.'' Tommy: "I did." . . " What is your eldest son doing—tho one who swallowed a sovereign when he was a child ?" " He's at the Bank of England." "Do you get interest on him ?"• Old Lady Friend of Family: "I suppose your dear son passed everything at college?" Dear Son's Pa: "Oh, yes, indeed—uqtil they made him sell his car!" Lady of tho House: "So you are the solo survivor ot a shipw'reck. Tell mo how you came To bo saved." Old Salt: " Well, you see, lady, I missed the boat." Tourist (from New York): " But what makes these western prairies so flat ?" Native: "Well, stranger, we think it must be because the sun sets on 'em evciy night. " His car has eight cylinders, fourwheel brakes, water-cooled " " That docs not interest me. My wife wants a pearl-grey car with a nico vase for flowers and fitted with wireless." Artist: " This picturo took eight years to work." Friend: "That's a long time to devote to one painting." Artist: " Well, it took six days to paint it and tho rest of tho time to sell it." "I always think of all tho unkind things I've s;ad during the day, before I go to sleep at night," boastod Elsie. "You don't say so!" replied her friend. "How can you do with so little sleep ?" Bell: "I think the bank president made a very poor appointment to-day." Mae: "What's wrong now?" Bell: "Ho appointed Edwards teller, and you know that man doesn't talk at all."

DRILL INSTRUCTOR'S TRIALS. A sergeant was drilling the recruit squad in the use of the rifle. Everything went smoothly until blank cartridges were distributed. The recruits were instructed to load their guns and stand " ready." Then tho sergeant gave the command: "Fire at will!" One recruit lowered his gun. " Which one is Will?" he asked. PREVENTION BETTER THAN CURE. " Well, my man," said the Irish doctor to his patient, "what's the matter with you ?" " Pains in the back, sir," replied tho patient. " I'll put you right," said the doctor, handing him a few pills. " Take one of these a quarter of an hour before you feel the pain coming on!" NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. As tho express thundered through a wayside station, one of the passengers, leaning out of a window, overbalanced and fell out of the train. Fortunately, ho landed on a heap of sand and did not do himself a great deal of harm. A porter went to the rescue. " What am I going to do now ?" asked the victim, rubbing himself tenderly. The porter picked up his ticket, which had fallen to the ground. " You're all right, mister," he said, casually. "'1 his ticket allows you to break your journey." A RICH SARDINE. For the nature lesson the teacher brought in a glass bowl containing a goldfish. This she placed in a prominent position on her table. " Now," she began, turning to the class, " can anyone tell me what a goldfish is 1" There was no immediate reply. After a pause, however, a little girl put up her hand. " I know, teacher." she said brightly. " It's a sardine that's got very rich." _ ANOTHER SWINDLE. Noticing a dour-faced Scot tugging at a stamp-machine, a post-office official inquired what was the matter. It took the Scot several seconds to recover sufficiently from his emotion to speak. " Ah put a penny in this," he began "an' four stamps came oot." And he started hauling once again at the machine. " But," exclaimed the official, "what's the idea ? What's all tho fuss about, eh ?" " Look ye here, mon," said the other. " I put anither penny in, ye ken, an' naething's come oot. The thing's a swindle!" A TRIFLE WITHERED. In his native tongue no one could have been more graceful than the little Frenchman at the dinner party. But when he essayed compliments in English he was not quito so successful. " Have I changed in tho fivo years since wo met in your beloved Paris?" asked an elderly woman, who desired above all to be thought younger, much younger than she was. " Madam," replied the little Frenchman, bis hand on his heart, " you look like a rose of 20 years." IT COULDN'T BE DONE. An eminent physician who held tho greatest opinion of the effect of cheerfulness on ailing persons was remonstrating with a particularly downcast patient. " You must drive away this dull depression," lie said. " Practise cheerfulness at every opportunity and wo shall soon see you on the road to recovery." But his patient was not easily convinced. " It's all very well to talk," ho grumbled. "Sing at my work, indeed! I wonder how you think I am going to do that ?" " Why can't you ?" asked 'the doctor. " I'm a glassblowcr."

THE DISCREET POLICEMAN. A Chicago gangster boarded a tramcar and refused to pay his fare. Afc the corner of the street the conductor pointed out the tough individual to a policeman. " That man doesn't want to pay his fare. Will you get him out of this car ?" asked the conductor. The policeman took one / look at the gangster. "I'll pay for y him myself," he said. THE BIGGEST GOOSE. A woman guardian had arranged for a treat for the old people in the workhouse, but was prevented from attending or seeing to it herself. " Well", matron," she inquired, after the affair, "liow did the party go off? 1 hope you gave them a good dinner?" " Oh. yes, Mrs. Manning, a very good dinner," replied the matron. " I veil, lured to get them the biggest goose .that was to be had in your Absence." THE BRIGHT SIDE. Clouds obscured the moon in such a way as to make driving dangerous in the uncertain light. The car was approaching a level-crossing, when suddenly the gates began to close. Too late the driver of the car saw his danger. He tried to swerve, but a skid was the only result. With a crash the car struck the gates and crumpled up on the rails. Silence for a few seconds. Then a voice murmured dazily: " Well, it's cured my hiccups, anyway," and the driver crawled from the wreck. SHE WAS FOREWARNED. Smith was a quiet sort of chap who greatly appreciated the comforts of home life. When he heard that his wife's mother was coming on an ; indefinite visit, he was aghast, and sat down to think things over. Presently ho went into the kitchen, and imparted the news to the cook. " Here is a list of her favourite dishes," ho said, producing a slip of paper. " Yes, sir," said the cook. " And," he added, " the first time you serve one of them, you go!". REVENGE IS SWEET. A woman in a tramcar tendered eight farthings for a two-penny fare. The conductor objected, and the woman explained that she had nothing but a pound note and these farthings in her bag. Could ha change the pound ? The conductor did not have time to reply before a pompous old man sitting behind jumped to.liis feet. " I'll stand by the lady," he said. " It's legal lender. You have no right to refuse it. I insist that you take it." " All right," said the conductor, 'Til take it." Then the conductor asked the man for his fare, and the latter gave him a sixpence for a twopenny fare. With a gleam of triumph in his eyes, the conductor gave him one twopenny ticket, two pennies, and—eight farthings. AT THE SPRING SALES. I beg your pardon, but I've Hiready decided on that hat," said a determined voice. !' Excuse me, but—" " I'm really very sorry, but you should have been quicker. The moment I saw that hat I made up my mind. I always make up my mind quickly, and I knew at onco that was my liat." "But I'm afraid it's mine. I—" " Please don't let us have any unpleasantness. I'm not at all annoyed, I assure you, but it's quite useless to argue. If you'd seen the hat first I should have beeti the first person to ask you to take it." ' " But I must take it. I saw it first. I brought it here. It's the hat I came | in,-and I only took it off to try on anI other hat."