CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20152, 12 January 1929, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

" Mummy, I have a surprise for you." " Yes, darling, what is it?" " I've swallowed a nail."

" My girl got her nose broken in three places." " That'll teach her to keep out of those places."

Sylvia: "All my ancestors were blondes." Jack: "Then you come from preferred stock."

Nice Old Lady (at the racecourse for the first time): " I'd like to place a bet on tho winner of the next race."

Lady: "An exporter, are you? What exactly do you mean ?" Mendicant: " The railway company fired me, ma'am!"

Bachelor " Sometimes I yearn for the peace and comfort of married life." Married Man: "1 do that all tho time."

Teacher: " What is the chief thing we know about tho cuckoo?" Backward Bertie: " I't doesn't lay its own eggs."

" I called to make an appointment with the dentist." " He's out just now." " Ah! When do you expect him to bo out again ?"

A novelist observes that when a man proposes to a girl ho never knows what tho outcome will bo. It usually depends on tho income.

" Pa had tho last word in an argument with ma, as usual, last night." "Tho last word as usual?" "Yes, he apologised again."

Cop (on shore) : "I'm going to arrest you when you come out of there." Man (in water): "Ha, ha. I'm not coming out. I'm committing suicide."

" Have you a good landlord ?" " Excellent. His only fault is an overwhelming curiosity; ho is always asking when I am going to pay my rent.''

He: " Yes, my father has contributed very much to the raising of the working classes She: "Is he a Socialist." Ho: " No, he makes alarm clocks."

" Rather a sharp thunderstorm last night." "I hadn't noticed; I was talking with my wife all evening."

Anne: "That girl has suffered much for her belief." Ada: " How's that ?" " She believes that she can wear size four shoes on a size six foot."

" Did you tell her when you proposed that you were unworthy of her ? That always makes a great impression. " I was going to—but she told me first!"

Vicar (uncertain of date when filling in certificate of baptism): " Let's see, this is the nineteenth, isn't it?" Mother: " Oh, lor', no sir l Only the eleventh!

Salesman: "Yes, I can thoroughly recommended these pyjamas, sir. You simply can't wear them out." Customer: " No. I suppose I should cause rather a sensation if I did!"

He: " Have you ever kissed a man before?" She (faltering): "Y—yes." He (excitedly): " Tell me his name so I can thrash him." She: " But—but—he might be too many for you."

Nitt: "You're wanted on the telephohe." Witt: "Tell the party that I'm taking a bath." " I did, but he wouldn't believe it." " I'd better answer it; it must be somebody that knows me well*"

" I think we'll have to eat out to-night, dear." " Why?" " I can't find the can opener!"

" Does your husband gamble ?" " Not in an objectionable "way. He nearly alwavs wins."

Nora: " Can you keep a secret?" Dora: " Can I ? Why, my present boy was engaged to me tnree weeks before he knew

A man who found a button in his salad remarked, with great presence of mind: " I suppose it dropped off while the salad was dressing."

" I don't mind having ' on my fingers,' " he said, as he limped from the dance, " but I'm hanged if I can stand ' belles on my toes '!'

" Myrtle tells me she's b6c'n ciffeted a name part in Shakespere. Do you believe it.?" .'.'.Oh, I. expect it's. Notbr ing' in ' Much Ado.' "

" Now, Willie j I want you to behave yourself at Mrs. Jones' parly. And don't take any liberties!" "Even if Mrs. Jones passes thero, mother?"

" Why can't we be married at once?" " Oh, I can't bear to leave father alono just now." " But, my darling, he has had you such a long time." "Indeed."

Traffic Cop: "Say, you can't park here." Motorist; " It's all right, officer, I just want to park here long enough to get out and look around for a place to park."

" You .don't mean to say you are opening this part of tho road again after you have just filled it in?" "Well, sir, this is our last hope of finding tho foreman's pie-dish."

" Now, arc you sure, Hannah, that you havo washed that fish thoroughly?" " Shuro, mum, and what would be the sinso ? Don't tho crithers live in the wather all their lives?"

Friend (eyeing luxurious car): "But you don't n»tiu to tell me you bought it just to satisfy a whim of your wife's." Tho Other (sadly): " Ah, you don't know her. She's got a whim of iron;"

Landlady: "You shouldn't study so hard, you look so weary." Student: *' I know, madam, but I'm studying for a degree." Landlady: " That's foolish.. You ought to let him study for himself."

Rich employer (engaging a new chauffeur): " Ana remember until your uniform is readv I should like you to dress very quietly/" Chauffeur: "That'll be all right, sir, I never was one for singing in my bath."

Tramp (to haughty old gentleman): "Spare a copper, sir?" Haughty Old Gentleman: "I never give money to people in the street, my man." Tramp: •' Then call at me 'ead orfis and settle wiv me sekkerterry."

Tompkins (meekly): "My dear, djd you read about the man who was shot at by a burglar, and whose life was saved by a button the bullet struck ?" Mrs. Tompkins: "Well, what of it?" Tompkins: " Nothing, ray dear—only the button must have been on!"

A Judge was crossing the Channel one very stormy night when he knotked against a lawyer suffering severly from sea sickness. " Can lao anything for you ?" the Judgo asked the sufferer. " Yes," gasped the lawyer, " will your lordship overrule this motion