CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXV, Issue 20112, 24 November 1928, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

"Wo .are selling these cars by the dozen!" "Well, how much are they a dozen?"

" Foliccman, that ruffian took my wife's arru!" " All right, sir, we'll search him at tho station."

Visitor: "Is this a good placo for rheumatism?" Native: "Oh, yes, sir. I got mine here."

"What's an operetta?" "Don't be dumb—it's a girl who works for tho telephone company."

" Lulu's latest photograph is perfectly lovely!" "It is?" "Yes; I had to ask her who it was."

Father (proudly): "Yes, my daughter is now getting a man's wages." Visitor: "Oh, when did she marry?"

• " After that, I believe,'" said the solicitor, you and your wife had words?" Witness: "No; only my wife."

' How many times do you imagine he's kissed you ?" "So far I haven't had to imagine lie's kissed mo ut all."

Husband: "Got my golf socks on, to day." Wife: "How's that?" llus band: " Those witli eighteen holes."

Teacher: " Give mo a sentence with the word ' analysis.' " Class Dunce: " Mary is my girl, an' Alico is her sister."

" I seo whore a man was arrested for kissing his wife in public." " Another •case of mistaken identity, I suppose."

" Are you on diet?" asked tho commercial traveller's acquaintance when ho saw him having milk and biscuits. " No; on commission."

The difference between a film producer and an astronomer is that when tho film producer discovers a new star ho makes somo money. .

Collector: " Madame, I've been instructed to raise your rent!" Tenant: "Oh, 'ave yer! That's moro'n 1110 'usband kin do."

Phyllis (yawning): " Well, what shall we do this evening?" Algy: "Let's think hard—" " No, let's do something you can do, too!"

" Do you ever work in tho garden ?" inquired a friend of a financier. " Well," remarked tho latter, reflectively, " I somotimes water my stocks."

Millio: "Grandma doesn't look like an old woman now that slio's had her hair Eton-cropped, does sho?" Billio: "No, sho looks like an old man."

Dinor (with very underdone steak): " Ah! I said well done,' waiter." Waiter: " Oh, thank you, sir; it's not too many peoplo gives us any praise."

Mother: " So you'vo broken it off with Cynthia? And' I thought you told mo it was a caso of love at first sight." Youth : " Yes, but— er—l've had my eyes tested since."

" I'm going to havo a divoreo—my husband hurled thousands of insulting words at mo." " YOll exaggerate—thousands in two weeks?" " \cs; it was a largo dictionary."

Lodger: " But you advertised that one could see for m'ilos from this room'" Landlady: " Well, so you can. You can see tho moon from tho skylight, and ain't that miles away?"

" I've no sympathy for tho man who beats his wife," said a passenger in tho smoker. " Well," said another, a timid, under-sized fellow, " a man who can beat his wife doesn't need sympathy."

First Author (reading aloud as he writes): " The evening wore on." Second Author (listening): " Well, what did it wear?" First Author: "Oh, I dou't know—tho close of day, I suppose."

Ife had a terribly bad memory. One day ho was at a dinner party, when ho was suddenly hoard to exclaim: "Oh, bother! I didn't mean to come to-night. I meant to forget, and I forgot to forget!"

Algy: "I called upon tho rich Mr. Moneybags this afternoon, and made a formal proposal for his daughter's hand." Bertie: /'Ah, indeed, and what was the outcome." Algy (very sadly) :" I was."

"I know where tho 'lecfrieity comes from that lights our house," said Alice. " Where does it come from ?" queried her aunt. " From tho wall," replied Alice. " When ma wants a light, she unbuttons it."

Professor's Wife: " Tho professor is in tho laboratory conducting some chemical experiments. The professor, you know, expects to go down to posterity—" From tho Laboratory: " B-r-r! Bang!" The Visitor: "1 hopo tho professor hasn't gone ?"

" I say," said tho new curate, looking tip from tlio morning paper, " havo you heard about tho dean who was found in a box ?" "No !" cried the rector excitedly. " Which deau was that?" "Tho sardine." •

Little Jim: "Daddy! Pleaso givo mo a shilling to give a man who has only ono arm." "That's right, my boy. Always help tho suffering! But who 'is tins poor man V "Ho sells tickets at tho cinema."

A thief had been caught, and as he was being taken away his hat blew off. l'hief: "Can, 1 fetch my hat, please?" Policeman: "No, my man. I have heard talcs like that beforo; you stay here while 1 fetch it for you."

Dnclo: "My boy, it will pay ycu to bo diligent 111 your studies. Uemember what you havo learned no ono can take awav from von." Small Netihew: "Wei, they can't take from 1110 what I haven't learned, either, can they?"

Tho barber had cut tho man rather badly in several places. " Give me a glass of water," gasped tho victim. " I hopo you aro not going to faint," said tho barber. " No, I just want to seo if my mouth will hold water."

Tho clergyman stepped into tho pulpit and, addressing tho congregation, said: " Will tho person who wroto ' Tips tor Monday's Races' on tho front pago of tlio Prayer Book kindly refrain, as tho Vicar finds it most misleading V

Guest: " What was that noise I heard 111 your room last night?" Her Hostess: " My poor husband dreamt that ho was in town and 110 was moving tho bed from place to placo so he would not bo arrested for parking too long in ono place."

An elderly Scottish couple in London went for a sti-01l in Kensington Gardens. Tho man was rather short-sighted, and when ho saw a man selling balloons to children ho turned to his wife and said: " Hey, Maggie, what do you say if we risk ouyin' a pound o* those grapes ?"

General: "Look here, my man, why don't you bo careful?" Army Clerk: " What is wrong, sir?" General: " Why, instead of addressing this letter to tlie ' Intelligence Officer, you have addressed it to the ' Intelligent Officer.' You should know thoro is no such persoo in the army."

SHOOK TO TEE BISHOP. A certain bishop was considerably upset when ho received this note from'the vicar of a village in his diocese:—" My Lord, — I regret to inform you of the death of iny wife. Can you possibly send mo a substitute for tho week-end ?" • FIFTY PER CENT. The young man was boasting. He -was, according to himself, a super-salesman. " llow much do you think I. made last year?" he asked. "About fifty per cent.," replied the bored one. "Fifty per cent, of what?" "Whatever you say." THE PORTER'S LAMENT. The scene was a waysido railway station and the sun was going down behind distant hills. It was a glorious sight. An intending passenger waa chatting with ono of tho porters. " Fine sight, tho sun tipping the hills with gold." said the passengei. "Yes," retorted tho porter; "and to think there was a time when I was sometimes as lucky as them 'ills." THE WAY HE HID IT. Two men, having got into conversation at a private dance, became very friendly. " There aro ways and moans of getting into these private dances unasked," remarked the younger man. " Now, I had no invitation." " Neither had I," replied tho other. "Really? How did you manage it?" asked tho young man, in a surprised touc. "I'm tho'host," camo tho reply. A THRIFTY COUPLE. A couplo on holiday iu Edinburgh went into a restaurant for a meal. They ordered chops foi a start. Tho husband attacked his at once, but the woman eat for a long while and made no.move to cat. Tho waitress thought something was wrong with tho fpod, and asked tho woman if she was quite satisfied with her chop. " Pairfcctly, rna lassie," was tho reply; "but I'm jusi; waitin' to got tho uso o' ma man's falsi) teeth!" A FISHY STORY. An angler was describing to his friend a salmon ho had caught. " How big was it?" "Biggest salmon you over saw," said tho sportsman. " But that doesn't csplain much to me," argued his friend, " Tho only salmon I ever saw was in a can. Measure with your hands to give mo an idea." Tho anglor glanced at tho walls of tho room. " All right," he said, " but we'll havo to go outdoors to do it." VERY THRILLING. Tllo retired officer had been endeavouring to entertain his pretty partner with all tho details of some event or other in his past lite. As courso followed course, the windy talo went on, till, in triumphant tones, ho concluded: " And so, you see, I was vindicated at last." "How thrilling!" said tho listener, smothering a yawn. " 1 supposo they made you wear a red tape ou jour arm until tho swelling went down." BEYOND HIM. He was a good-natured Irishman and was one of a number of men employed in erecting a uew building. Tho owner of the building said to liim one day: " Pat, didn't you tell me that a brother of yours is a bishop?" " Yis, sor," replied Pat. " And you a hod-carrier. The things of life are not equally divided, are they?" " No,"sor," said Pat. J PjP fellow! My brother couldn't do this . save his loifei" . J

OFF THE DEEP END. Everything had been done to make the great meeting a success. A large hall and a good speaker had been engaged. When the latter arrived he seemed in a ruffled frame of mind. Ho beckoned the chairman. " I should like to have a glass of water on my table, if you please," he said. " To drink ?" was the ohairman's idiotic question. " Oh, no," was the sarcastic retort. "When I'v.o been ispeaking for half an hour I do a high dive." THE BEST POLICY. A negro woman walked into an insurance office and asked whether they dealt in fire insurance. "Wo do," a clerk replied. " What do you want insured ?" " Mah husband." " Then you don't want fire insurance," smiled tho clerk, as he reached for another application form. " What you want is a lifo insurance policy." " No, Ah don't!" exclaimed the woman. "Ah wants fire insurance. Mah husband's beon fired fo' times in de las" two weeks." A NARROW ESCAPE. They tell this talo of a South Coast golfing resort, frequently visited by an evening mist off the Channel. One of the keenest golfers in the place was an elderly fellow, who always wore a red jacket, such as was fashionable about 1890. One day ho was observed to havo shed this sartorial relic, and someone asked him why. t- " Well," ho answered, " last night, as I was standing waiting at the bus terminus, a woman camo up and tried to post a letter in my mouth." THE SUBSTITUTE, An actress who owned a valuable pearl necklace thought to circumvent thieves by leaving the necklace carelessly on her dressing tablo with the. following note attached:—" These aro cheap imitations and aro worthless. My real pearls are in a vault at the bank." One night when she arrived home from tho theatre she found that • her necklace had disappeared. Beside her ~'e lay another, which.read:—" Those are good enough for me. I'm only a substitute. Tho burglar who regularly attends to this district is on holiday." COUNTER-PLOTTED. A would-be humorist, meeting a. Scotsman, resolved to have a joke at Jock's expense. " Hello, Jock." he said, " I'll give you eight-in-pence for a shilling." " Righto," said Jock, eager to effect an exchange which bo thought would put him sixpence to the good, and handed over a shilling. Tho other placed eight pennies in his hand. " Hero, what's this ? " yelled Jock. " Eight in pence," rejoinod tho humorist with a laugh. " Not bad, eh" No," answered Jock, " but . tho shilling is! '* TAMING THE TAMER. The lion-tamer was asked how ho his wonderful power oyer .j i it <>y»'Ti n8 <s£ y ~p and come slowly acroM himself, got "P« when ho was close 10 % be drew back bis arm and, struck enough, n® ar en J OUB blow under the me like that again—won t jou.