CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXV, Issue 20088, 27 October 1928, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

Brown: "My wifo has run away with a man iir mv car." Jones (anxiously) : " Not your new car?"

"Are (hero any questions?" "Yes, sir. How do you calculate tho horsepower in a donkey engine?"

" I seo a man was arrestod for kissing his wifo in public." " Another case of mistaken identity, I suppose."

" Why arc all these clubs laying about tho golf course?" "Oh, tho plumbers have just been playing a tournament."

" May I havo the next dance, please, Miss Smithers?" " Sorry; I'm engaged." " What does that matter? I'm married."

• Hoctor: ' I hoard a new one tho other day I wobder if I told it to you ? " Walter: "Is it funny? " " Yes." "Then you haven t."

" I never worry about my husband paying attention to other women—lie's crazy about me." " But perhaps ho has lucid intervals." \

" Sunday School Teacher: " If I saw a min beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I bo showing?" Pupil: " Brotherly love."

" Ted's always first to put his hands in his pockets when money is needed." " Yes, and ho keeps them there until the danger's over."

Holiday-maker: " Can you tell mo how fishing-nets aro made?" Old Salt: "Yos; you get a lot, of holes and tio them up with string."

Wifo: " My husband obeys me in everything, but when thero is a stranger about ho disobeys mo to show that ho is not obliged to bo obedient."

Dissatisfied Client: "That car I bought from you won't go." Tho Car Dealer: " Well, sir, you said you wryited ono that wouldn't use much petrol."

George: "Do you think you could learn to caro for a fellow like mo?" Clarice: "Oh, I think so—provided ho wasn't too much like you!"

"David, you aro a fool!" David: " Well, sir, I can't help it. When you engaged me you told mo to imitate you, and l'vo dono tho best I could."

" Just a minute —where aro you going?" " Sorry, but I haven't timo to stop. I'm catching tho nine-thirty." " You'll havo to hurry. l'vo just missed it."

Married Man: " 1 havo been married for thirteen years and I spend every evening at homo with my wife." Bachelor: "Ah, that is love! " " No, it is gout."

Myrtlo: " Where did Harry get all his money?" Eva: "In the hold-up business." Myrtlo: "What?" Eva: "Yes —ho manufactures garters and braces."

Happy Husband: " I've bought a new tin rattler for tho baby." His Wifo: " Why, Henry, it will bo at least fifteen yoars boforo iio will bo ablo to drivo a car."

" Look hero," said tho policeman, " this is tho twelfth timo l'vo seen you outside this bank!" "All right, guv'nor. I'll bo hero again to-morrow, I ain't superstitious."

leacher: "What's tho total population of tho world?" Small Boy: ''One and a-half billions." Little Girl: " But, nleaso, ma'am, wo havo a new baby brotner in our house!"

An Englishman and a Scotsman went out together for tho evening. The Englishman stood dinner, theatre scats, and a taxi home. Tho Scot stood sft. lOin. in his socks.

Owner of Saloon Car (to small car owner, getting the last word of tho argument) : *' Well, the main difference between our cars is that I get in mine and you wear yours."

Angry Motorist: " Some of you pedestrians walk along as if you owned the streets." Aggrieved Pedestrian: "Yes, and some of you motorists drive round just as if you owned the car!"

"When a man who bores mo asks mo where I live, I always say, 'ln tho suburbs.' " "Aha! That shuts him up, doesn't it? But, I say, where do you' live?" "In the suburbs."

Mr. Jones: " Didn't you say once that your wife had been the making of you?" Mr. Meek: " Yes, but only once. Georgina heard of 1 it, and said it. was very unkind and unjust to blamo it on her."

llouso Agent: "By tho way, sir, I supposo you can let us havo a banker's reference?. Just a formality, you know." Client: "Well, I could; but I'm afraid it would only disappoint you."

Magistrate: "Have you any visible means of support?" "Prisoner: "Yes, yor worship." (To his wife, a laundress, in tho back of tho court): " Ilemma, stand up, so's 'is worship can seo yer."

•"I always think of all tho unkind things I've said during the day before 1 go to sleep at night," boasted Elsie. " You don't say so," replied her friend. " How can you do with so little sleep?"

A man went in a restaurant, and told tho waitress ho wanted a couple of fried eggs and a few kind words. When she returned with his order, ho asked for tho kind words, and sho said: " Don't cat tho eggs."

Dear Old Soul (visiting her brother who is very ill): " I've had a very nice letter from Emily. Sho says she's so sorry sho ain't able to como and seo you, but sho hopes to be ablo to colio to" the funeral."

Mother: " What, sort of a man Is this fianceo of yours?" Priscilla: "Well, mother, he says ho has always wanted a home—" Mother: "1 like tho sound of that." Priscilla: " And ho likes ours very much."

Shop Assistant: "Something in golf apparel, madam?" Customer: "I would like to seo some handicaps. Largo size, please. My husband said that if he'd had a big enough handicap yesterday ho'd havo won tho match."

Poggy: "The man I marry must bo bravo as a lion, but not forward; handsome as a Greek god, but not conceited; wiso as Solomon, but meek as a lamb; a man who is kind to every woman, but who loves only one." Peter: "By Jovo! How lucky wo met!"

John (looking up from his riowspaper): " I say, Jirr\ what is tho Order of the Bath? " Jim: " Well, as I havo experienced it. it a first tho water's too hot; then it's too cold; then you'ro short of a towel; tliei. you step on tho soap; and finally the telephone rings."

A barrister was met by a friend the other day in tho streot with a number of law books Pointing to the books, his friend said, "Why, I thought you carried all that stud in your head!" "I do," quickly replied tho lawyor, with a wink; "these aro for tho Judges."

MAKING MATTERS WORSE. " Why, Freddie," exclaimed the mother of a precocious five-year-old, " aren't you ashamed to call auntie stupid? Go to her at once and tell her you are sorry." " Auntie," said the little fellow a few moments later, " I'm awful sorry you're* so stupid." THE NATURAL WAY. A woman went to see her negro servant, who was in bed. She gave the servant's small son, Ephraim, somo money with which to buy a chicken for hm mother. On leaving, she overheard the servant say: "Gimme dat cash, chile, an'. go git dat chicken in do natchrul way." TRAINING TELLS. " These are tho very latest patterns wo have in stock," declared the young salesman in a largo draper's. " You'll notico that tho edge runs right round the border," ho continued smoothly, " and the centre is just in the middle." " How lovely!" exclaimed his rather fussy customer. " I'll have two of those." HE TOOK IT PERSONALLY. A teacher had been giving the children a graphic account of the reindeer—its haunts, habits, and uses. She noticed that one boy was not paying the slightest attention, so she asked him a question: "What is tho nso of the reindeer?" Tho startled lad looked up quickly, and after a glance round tho room answered brightly, "It makes everything in the garden lovely, miss." ABRIDGEMENT EXPEDIENT. A comedian was rehearsing his part in a new play, tho author of which was present. Once or twico the actor inserted jokes of his own. "My dear boy," the author said to him, 44 bo good enough to speak my lines and wait for tho laugh." " All right," said the comedian, sorrowfully, " but my last train goes at midnight.' ' COMPLETELY FOGGED. Tho lawyer turned to tho witness. " Now, sir," ho began, " did you or did you not on tho day in question say to tho defend, Tit that tho statement imputed to you and denied by tho plaintiff was a matter of no moment, or otherwiso ? Answer me, yes or no." Tho bewildered witness looked helplessly at his menacing questioner. " I—ah—yes or no, what ?" ho stammered. A WATCH IS NO USE. A fussy old fellow was making a journey on a branch line, at tho best not particular as to punctuality. Tho train had slowed down again after stopping several times. The old gentleman's patience becamo exhausted, and, taking out his watch, ho said to a fellow passenger: How much is this train overdue." " Well, sir," was tho reply, " a watch is no use; you want a calendar." WHAT SHE BROUGHT. Tho sporting youcg man and his oldfashioned mother from the country were attending a race meeting; it was tho old lady's first taste of tho sport of kings. " I say, mothor," said the young man, " I've been wondering for a long tune what's i,n that bulky parcel you're carrying." " Well,' said tho old lady, "in your letter you said bring something to put on tho horses—so I brought this old eiderdown. I hope it's not too shabby."

THE WRONG LICENSE. They hud just returned from their honeymoon, and as their car glided through the streets, he : was so much taken .up with his pretty bride that he had quite overlooked such trifles as traffic policemen. At last he was stopped by am anjrry [)oliceman, who demanded to see his icense. While the driver was frantically searching his pockets the young bride chipped in: "Oh, Cecil, don't you remember? Tho parson gave it to me!" DEAD ON TEE GREEN. A man who was golfing on a Scots course, and playing very badly, too, was at some pains to impress upon his caddie that ho usually showed very much better form. After taking twelve to one hole, he said, defensively, that he had accomplished it in four the previous day. "What!" exclaimed the caddie. "It's true," said the player; "with my, third I lay dead on the green." "Aye," said the boy, "with surprise, no doubt." "HER NAME IS WOMAN." Tho woman orator was ;aving and ranting to an audience of men. " Women," she shrieked, "at all times have been tho backbone of all nations. Who was tho world's greatest hero? Helen of Troy! Who was.the world's greatest martyr? Joan of Arc! Who was the world's greatest ruler? Who, I say, waa tho world's greatest ruler ?" And simultaneously that entire crowd of men arose and answered in one voice, "My wife!" SHE WAS SILENCED. A society woman called on a well-known painter, who. when necessity arose, could express himself with emphasis. Her ceaseless chatter did not permit him to get in a word edgeways. At length a pauso « to take breath allowed him to say: "Wo had boiled mutton and turnips for lunch to-day." "What .1 strange observation!" the woman exclaimed. " Well," he said, "it is as good as anything you have bceu saying for the last two hours." FIVE HUNDRED PER-HAPS. " And what do you propose to do now?" asked the millionaire, of his son who had just completed his education. Tlio son was born with large ideas. " Oh," he answered, with a yawn, " I •hinlt I'll go up to town and get a job of somo sort at five hundred pounds per. You understand mo, father? At five hundred per!" His father grinned rudely. " Oh, yes," ho replied, " I understand. You mean at five hundred per-haps." THE FINAL INDUCEMENT. A cheap-jack bntcher brought his cart to a standstill, and an old woman looked at a pile of bones and gristle which the butcher loftily termed "joints and steaks." She hesitated to pay threepence for them. " Ere. 'avo 'em for twopence," growled butcher. " It's too much." " 'Avo 'em for a penny." Still tho old woman hesitated. There was a look of pity and disgust on tho man's face. " 'Ere.,"' he murmured. " I'll turn my back while you sneak 'em." A SPECTACULAR SPEAKER. Everything had been done to make the meeting a success. A large hall had been engaged, and a well-known speaker was to attend. ■-.■■■ - ■ 1 f " Tho great man arrived in rather a milled frame of mind, and after a hurried glance or two about him, beckoned to the * chairman. " I should liko a glass of water on my table "he said. "To drink the chairman asked owlishly. " Oh, no,' came tho sarcastic reply; " I mako a habit of j concluding my speech with a high dive. j