CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXV, Issue 20058, 22 September 1928, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

She: "I've been trying to think of a word for two weeks." He: " How about fortnight ?" School Teacher: "What is a costume, Lucy?" Lucy (aged nine); "Just a habit one gets into." He (brightly) ; " Never mind, what one doesn't know doesn't hurt one." She: "Pretty lucky for you. isn't it?" *' Does your husband gamble, Mrs. Wagge?" '"Oh, no. When he docs bet on cards or horses ho invariably wins." Worldly youth: " That girl you saw me with last night is no beauty, but she's a real good pal." His friend: " You mean her father's got a lot of money." Mrs. Jolly boy: "Where on earth have you been? " Mr. Jollyboy: " I cannot tell a lie. I've been at my office." Mrs. J. : "That's where we differ, I can tell a lie —when I hear one." Johnson: I hear that you have been getting married. Brown: Yes. Johnson: Whom did you marry? Brown: Folly Smith, her mother, her stepfather, and two maiden aunts! Detective (to man who has been robbed in broad daylight): " While you were being relieved of your valuables, did you call the police?" Victim: "Yes—everything I could think of." Five-year-old daughter: "Look at that funny man across tho road." Mother (looking in shop window) : " What is ho doing?" " Sitting on the pavement talking to a banana skin." Professor's wifo (rushing in): Goodness! Littlo Delia lias been drinking all the ink in the ink-bottle. What shall wo do? Professor (absent-mindedly): I'll ha\o to write with a lead pencil, tlieu. A Scotsman paid his taxi fare, and gave the driver a penny for a tip. "What's this?" growled the driver, poising the penny and glaring at it in disgust. "Ye re a sportsman," said tho Scotsman, beaming at him. "Tails!" Wifo: "I do wish, dear, that you'd settle my last year's millinery bill. I really can't sleep for thinking of it." Husband: "Your conscience pricking you?" Wifo: "Ob, no; but I need two more bats right away." "My husband is merely a mnnufacurer of waste baskets," eighed tho woman with aspirations. "It seems such a prosy occupation." "On the contrary, there is really much poetry in waste baskets," replied tho unappreciated bard. She (at beach): "It's awful to meet ono of tho boys you wcro engaged to last, summer." Her Friend: "It must be." She: " I just ran across Dick and ho wanted the old engagement renewed without giving up a new ring." Maid: " Mrs. Bunkum is out." Visitor: Tho Niece: " Weren't you surprised, uncle, to bear that poor Nigel had left mo a widow?" Her rich Uncle: " No; that's about all 1 expected ho would leave you." " George," thundered tho farmer to his new hand, " I told you to get an answer to that note you delivered." " Well, they wouldn't give mo one. I did the best I could." " Did the best you could, eli ? If I had known a fool was going I'd have gone myself!" A coal merchant had advertised for a boy. A red-headed, red-faced boy applied for the job. "Do you like work ?" asked the merchant " No, sir," said the boy. " Then you can have the job. You're the first boy who's been here to-day and hasn't told a lie."

"I'd like to offer von a cigarette, but—" " Don't bother. I never smoke cigarette butts." Hally : "Have Indians any distinct social groups?" Tosis: "Sure; haven't you heard of those Indian clubs ?" Patrick: "Use the word 'boycott* in a sentence." Patricia: " Tfc rained that night, and the boycott an awful cold." " My dear, he looked so stupid when he proposed to me." " Well, darling, look at the stupid thing ho was doing." Sho (at the country fair): " Look at the people. Aren't they numerous ?" Ho: "Yes, and ain't there a lot of them ?"■ Green: "Do you ever help your wife with the housework?" Brown: "Oh, yes! I have dinner down town frequently." "Do you believe that kissing is infectious?" "I don't know. I've never—" " You've never been kissed ?" "No, I've never been ill?" Author's Friend: "Is the editor the man who puts things in the magazine?" Author (bitterly)" No, an editor is a man who keeps things out of the magazine." Teacher: " I asked your boy yesterday who wrote Macbeth, and ho told me he didn't." Proud Father: "Solly's a truthful boy. If he says he didn't he didn't." Mrs. Bryae: "Dearest, I've mado a cake that's a positive poem!" Sir. Bryde: "Have you sweetheart? Ah. then 1 suppose I'm to be tho waste-paper basket ?" Nervous Young Man: "Sir, I have been walking out with your daughter , for three years " Her Father: "Well, you're not coming on rno for boot repairs, arc you?" " I am so absent-minded that when I left home this morning I kissed the servant instead of my wife!" " Strange! This morning I kissed my wifo instead of tho servant." Wifo: "John, I'm writing a paper on calendar reform for our club. Do you know which Popo gave us our present cadendar. " Husband: " I though it came from the grocer." " I've no sympathy for the man who beats his wife," said a passenger in the smoker. " Well," said another, a timid, under-sized fellow, " a man who can beat his wifo doesn't need sympathy." They were touring on tho Continent, and the guido was doing his best. He approached a member of tho party ono morning. "Well, madam," he said, would you like to seo wliero the Rhine falls?" "No, I certainly would not." ! replied the woman. "1 came out to seo the sunshine." Angler: How are you, John? John: ; Well, sir, my lungs are very bad; wots . loft of 'em, an' my heart's all jumpv. 1 can't see properly, an' Ini gettin stone I deaf, an' wot with my corns an chilblains I'm all anyhow. Angler: Otheri wise all right ? _____ " When two people like tho same things i their married life is bound sighed tho romantic girl. Well. (i you 1 and Herbert ought to bo happy, remarked her friend, who wanted Herbert ; and didn't get him. "I know you love I him, and I cotico ho is very fond of himself.' 5

HONEYMOON SALAD. The newly-married couple stopped for lunch at an hotel where the manager was .rather assiduous in his attentions. Fo/ the tenth time he sailed up. " And what can I do for you now, sir ?" "Some honeymoon salad, please." "You have me there, sir," replied the manager. " May I ask what it consists of?" "Just lettuce alone." THINKING OF THE COST. " There ought to be only one head to every family," declared the earnest speaker in the club. " That's true," agreed a worried-looking man, standing by the mantelshelf making figures on a piece of paper, " You agree, do you ?" asked the first man, with a smile. " Indeed I do," was the answer. " I've just paid for hats for nine daughters." KEEN COMPETITION. In the art department of a large West End store hung a small painting of an old and tattered wayfarer. Beneath it was a ticket bearing the legend, "Homeless," and the price, fifteen'guineas. A shabby visitor, almost the exact counterpart of the picture, stood gazing at it iu astonishment. " S'truth," remarked the shabby one eventually, " that's pretty hot. I'm homeless myself, but they could have me for a quid." QUITE EASY. it was a holiday acquaintanceship. The pretty Monde bad met him on the pier, and after a pleasant evening together the two were walking slowly homeward. As they ncaied her house tho girl gently disengaged the young man's arm. " You'd better not hold my arm just now," she said coyly. " What should I say if mothci saw us ?" For a moment the young man was rather perplexed. " Oh," he rem irktjd brightly, " you could say I was your brother." THEY ALL MEANT MONEY. The small boy stood at tho busy crossroads watching the constant stream of motors passing by. Every 0110 he gravely saluted. Presently a very ornate vehicle came to rest beside tho little boy, and an old lady leaned out of tho window. She beckoned to tho lad. " Do you always salute the cars as they go by here?" she asked kindly, pressing a shilling into iiis ready palm. " Indeed I do, ma'am." answered tho boy, with a grin. "You see, mo father's au undertaker." TAKING PRECAUTIONS. The benevolent old lady was interviewme a gentleman who had but recently been released after a sentence for burglary. ' Well, m_, good man." she said, I hope that during the period you were confined vou had time for meditation and have decided to correct your faults." Tho hard case lifted his eyes from tho carpet and looked his questioner straight in tho face. " You bet 1 have, mum, ho answered jovially. " Believe me, the next job I does this baby wears rubber gloves." LOOKED RATHER LIKE IT. Kabbit-pie was going to bo served for dinner at the somewhat dingy boardinghouso, and the boarders were all looking forward to the novelty. poor husband was a wonderful artist," sighed the boarding-house keeper, as she hacked at ihe pie-crust. ' And he used to say that o always found inspiration in my cookng." A gloomy-looking young bank clerk, who had been studying her efforts to cut the pie. suddenly spoke. " A sculptor. I presume," ha remarked, and then lapsed into - silence once again.

HE WAS TOO TIRES. The cyclist had lost his way and had inadvertently got on a private road. Suddenly he was confronted by a very stout, irate estate bailiff. " Look here, young man," bawled tha bailiff, "you go back; you'll not proceed any farther except over ray dead body." "Very good," replied the cyclist; "if it's like that, I'll go back. I've done enough hill-climbing to-day already." IT COULDN'T BE HELPED. The patient was describing his toms to the doctor. " I'm sure there's something very wrong with me," he said. " Whenever I lift my right hand to my forehead, then raise it a few inches, and drop it down again to my side, I suffer; agony." " Why go through such a silly movement'?" asked the doctor. "Well," an« swered the patient, " if yon can tell ma of any other'way of taking off my hat I shall be glad to hear of it." A JPOWL AFFAIR. The reckless motorist swerved and killed a fowl which darted across the road, j An old woman who lived in a cottaga near by was quickly on the scene. Her face was stern, her features hard and forbidding. Before the woman could atter a word, the motorist plunged a hand in his pocket and tendered her a pound note-. " Here, my good woman," he said, apologetically, "this will square matters." Tho sour face softened. " It's good of you," she said. " Now I shall be able to start keeping fowls myself." A "BLITHERING" IDIOT. An aeroplane Hew over an Irish asylum, much to tho consternation of the inmates.Next day, two of tho latter were discussiti'j tho strange machine. One said: " Do you know, I dreamt last a made one of those contrivances and flew; to Australia in sixty minutes.' " That's strange," said tho other, for I had a similar dream, only I went to Melbourne in sixty seconds.'' " How did von "O?" "Might through the earth. - " " Look here, mv friend," said tno other, "you're not' a lunatic—you're <| blithering idiot. IT WAS TOO HOT. Tho young man was singing at the vik lace concert, and the audienco sat hashed. -Ah!" ho thought, "I have captured their emotions with my song! Ho turned his head proudly, then his expression changed. There was & pained look on the faco of his accompanist. What was the matter? Was he singing tho wrong words ? Or surely he was not out of tiiue? "Am I going wrong?" he whispered between the verses. The pianist looked up with tears in hia eyes. " No," was his agonised reply; "but I'm sitting on my pipe, and it's still alight. IT " GOT HIS GOAT," Tom and his wifo had a goat, and even after the village become a suburb of the town tho goat would frolic about tha street. In a playful encounter with pedestrians he always left them in a heap on the pavement, and the goat became very unpopular. One day the tax collector presented, Tom with with a tax bill for £2 on « goat. There was consternation, owner insisting that even the Jfworffc lector must know tho goat was £2. . " ipsift eci "I have my authority n« r ~» iatho collector structions Ch»rg» . pa^ aa,c3^ for Mythic* »bott"*S <» ...