CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXV, Issue 20028, 18 August 1928, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

" Does your husband lie awake at night?" "Yes, and he tells them in his sleep, too." Betty: " What kind of lip sticks does she use?" Bertie: "Don't know. I've not lasted them." He: "A month ago my wife left me without any reason." She: "1 felt sure someone had left you without it.' Teacher: "Johnnie, give a definition of a hypocrite." Johnnie: " A boy that goes to school with a smile on his face." Helen : " I should like to do something that would make him miserable for life." Florence: "Why don't you marry him, dear 1" Customer: "Can you change a pound note?" Village Chemist (cautiously): " Certainly. How will you have it ?In pills or cough-drops?" " When Doris married Jones she called him the light of her life." " Did she?" " Yes, and sho meant it, too. He's never allowed to go out." " Did you hear about Mrs. White ? She's very ill. Been attacked by appendicitis." "Dear, dear! I hope the police have arrested the scoundrel!" " Green declares his grandfather descended from one of the greatost houses in Britain." " Ah, yes; I did hear a story about him falling off a roof." Owner of Saloon Car (to small car owner, getting tho last word of the argument): "Well, tho main difference between our cars is that I get in initio and you wear yours." _ " Cau't sing the right tune, can't I ? I'm glad to think I've a better ear for music th'an yuu have!" " Well, sing with your ear, then. What comes out of your mouth ig horrible." The colour scheme when Miranda wed Revealed her folks as patriots true; The groom looked red and the bride looked white, And her dad (who paid the bills), looked blue. Wife (to attractive husband): " Havo you kissed tho new cook yet, William ?" Husband: "Why—or—no!" "Well, stupid, what are you waiting for? You know what a hard time we had to Ret her." Darling," she said, breathlessly, "ono feels .is we speed along that life is really and truly worth living." " Yes," he replied, " and, judging from fho way tho pedestrians dodge us, they feci like that, too."

Mr. Movpoft: " Well, my dear, how do you find tho neighbours here sociable ?" Mrs Movroft- "Very. Three or four of them have sent io ask if T would allow their children lo use our piano to practice on."

A veil-known actor-manager granted an audition to an ambitious actress. After hearing her in two classic parts, he placed his hand on her head in a gesture of benediction and murmured: " Dear child, marry as soou as ever you can. Good luck i"

"If any member of the audience," said tho man on the stage, " will call out tho name of some female .character in Shakespeare, I will portray that character." " Florence Nightingale," camo a shout. " I said Shakespeare, sir, not Dickens!"

" A good chef gets more than a college professor." " Why shouldn't be ? A lot more people like Lis courses."

Algernon: "And how long were you engaged to Clarice?" Bertie: "I don't know. I forgot to look at my watch."

Flapper (gushingly): "Do you ever sec pictures in the fire?" Cynical Art Critic: "No—but i'vo seen lots that ought to be."

Dear Old Lady: " You'll pardon me, young man, but you do look tired. Young Alan : " Yes, madam, I'm studying for a doctor." "It's ashame! You ought to let the doctor study for himself !"

Helen (just engaged): *' Jack said if I refused him he would never propose to another girl." Her Dearest Friend: " Yes, I understand you were the last on his list."

The waiter appealed to the manager: " That gentleman says his soup isn't fit for a pig." The manager replied: " Then take it awav. you idiot, and bring him some that is."

Magistrate: " So you arc arrested for stealing a eoUple of diamond rings. And you insist you are innocent. Can you afford a lawyer.?" Suspoct: "Well, 1 could give him one of the rings." Lady Visitor (watching pugilist shad-ow-boxing) : " And is he really trying to hit his own shadow?"' Trainer: "That's right, miss." "Good heavens! Poor darling! How long has ho been like that?" A pupil at college, who had failed in all the courses he was taking, telegraphed to a sympathetic mother: "Failed in all subjects. Prepare Papa." Mother telegraphed back: "Papa prepared. Prepare yourself." Much Married Man (at country fair): "Mister I've a wife and fourteen children. Can't you let us look at the monkey for half-price?" Showman: "Fourteen children ! Wait, I'll bring the monkey out to look at you!" An old lady had recovered from a serious illness. " Why," said a friend, " you seem to have taken a now lease of life." " Yes, hut. when I saw tho doctor's bill 1 camo to the conclusion that it was a repairing iease." Mother (giving afternoon tea .instructions) : " Now remember, Willie, when these cakes aro handed round, you must take a plain bun from tho bottom of the dish." Willie (disgustedly): "Just my luck! The bargain basement again." "Mrs. Jaggs: "My dear, did you hear that Mrs. Humphreys was taken very seriously ill the other day whilo trying on a new hat ? 1 was in the shop at the time." Mrs. Jiggs: " How dreadful! How awful! What was it trimmed with V Barney: *' Shure, and Mick won't be hero the day, sorr. He's got to attind a funeral." Employer: What! Seems to mo that Mick gets many days off on excuses liko that Whose funeral is it this time? ' Barney: " "Us. his own this time, sorr." " If you didn't take so much interest in horses you would be better off," snapped Mrs. Nark. \ ou ve had horses on the brain all your life." " I suppose that is why I happened to marry, a nag," brightly retorted Mr. Nark, his face ambuscaded behind a sporting sheet.

QUITE CORRECT. The teacher was taking the class in mental arithmetic. Her first question she addressed to little Isaac. " Isaac," she said, "suppose you had three-and-six pence—". Little Isaac's eyes gleamed. " And suppose I asked you to lend nit two shillings—" Little Isaac's eyes glittered. " How much," asked the teacher, "would you have le£t ?" " Please, miss, three-and-sixpence!" A SILVER-FOX LINING.

It was their first quarrel, and it lasted longer than post-honeymoon squabbles generally do. But finally it was over, and the wife was confiding to a friend. "My dear, it was really terrible while it lasted," she said. " But I'm glad in a sense. See what a splendid present Percy gave me afterwards." ' Her friend, picked up the niagnificient evening wrap. " Oh, how gorgeous to have a husband like that!" she cried. " That's a cloud with a silver-fox lining." THE LAST LAUGH. You know Percy Jones? I lent him £2 a year ago, and I simply couldn't get him to pay it back. Last week I heard he had started a debt-collecting agency, so that I thought it would be a joke to write asking him to collect the £2 he owes me." " Well ?" " Now I've got a letter from him saying that he's collected the £2, but it was such bard work that he's compelled to charge me a fee of £2 2s 6d." THE CANNY SCOT. An uneducated Scotsman made a fortune. One day he and an acquaintance were talking, when the latter said to old Duncan: " You don't know enough to so indoors when it rains. Why, you can't even spell 'bird.' " " B-u-rrd," said Duncan. " I tell you you don't know anything. Why, if you had to spell to make a living you'd have been dead years ago. I'll bet you a fiver you can't spell 'bird.' " | " I'll tak' ye," replied Duncan. After the money was put down Duncan said, " B-i-r-d." "That's not the vvey you spelled it the first time."- " I wisna bettin' then." A SARCASTIC CADDIE.

A moan golfer selected a little boy for his caddie, so that ho would Dot havo to pay the usual fee. When ho was about to drive off at the first tee, one of the regular caddies, a muscular young man, touched his cap to the player and said : " Carry your clubs,. sir ?" The player pointed to his diminutive attendant, who was not much taller than the kit of clubs he was holding, and said: "Can't you see I'm already provided with a caddie ?" But the official bag-carrier was not to retire so easily. Touching his cap once more he said eagerly: "Carry your caddie, sir ?" THE BARBEK WAS SILENCED. A man went into a barber's shop, safe down, and said, " Cut my hair, please," After a while the assistant began the usual talk about baldness and lotions. " I'm trying to go bald," sUid tho customer. " It's my ambition." Tho assistant was dumbfounded. "If ever you change your mind," ho said, "come to us. I never heard of a man going bald on purpose." "I take stuff to hasten it on," said tho customer. " Well," said the assistant, reaching for a bottle, " this is the lotion to ask for if you repent. It's called—" " Oh,, that!" exclaimed the customer. "Why, that's tho stuff I take to make me bald.' It works wonders." Ho was lying but it stopped the assistant's chatter.

HE CAPPED THE LOT. . Three artists were telling tall stories of their wont. " The other day," said me, " I painted a deal board in imitation narble with such effect that it'sinks imnediately when thrown into water." " That's nothing," said another. " Yesterday when I hung a thermometer on the easel supporting my picture of the Polar regions and it fell at once to 20deg. below zero." "Go on," remarked the third. "My portrait of a man was so realistic that it had to be shaved every morning." HIS HANDICAP. He was a stranger to the golf club, and, having paid his green fee, was looking round for someone to play with. Presently a portly person in plus-fours appeared on tbo scene and expressed himself only too willing to oblige. " You're not a member, are you? " ho asked, as they walked to the first tee. " No," replied the stranger; " I was just passing through and thought I'd like a game." " Well, continued the man in plus-fours, "I am a four man. What are you, " " Me? " echoed the other. " I'm a straw, 'at maker." MEANING TO BE TACTFUL, She dabbled in water colours, and was rather proud of results; also her complexion was the very envy of her acquaintances, and they said spiteful things about, it. At a dinner party-she sat next to a shy, awkward young man, who cudgelled his brain in vain for something 10 say. She took pity on him, and tried to opeu conversation by remarking, with expectant modesty?" "I daresay you iiavo heard that i paint? " " Y-Yes," he stammered, lookin u at her face. Then ho added, with a pleasant smile, " But I don't believe it." HE ENJOYED HIMSELF.

It was the finest summer known for many a long year, and theatrical business suffered accordingly. The proprietor of the Puddington Palace of Varieties was iii despair. Things were going Ironi bad to worse, tho people would not come to soo his show. He at last determined to risk everything 011 one bold move, and engaged at a fabulous salary a famous comedian for tho week. The proprietor was unable to be present when the comedian gave his first, turn, but early next morning he was at. the comedian's lodgings, breathlessly inquiring how he had fared the night previously. " Fine," was the reply. " I sung my three best numbers for the benefit of tho orchestra, and then went, round to the front of the house and treated tho audience to a drink. It only cost me sixpence," ho continued, ''and I thoroughly enjoyed his society!" A LONG WAY ROUND, "Hey, there!" tho conceited motorist, called to the pedestrian. " Can you tell, me the way to Loxbourue?" "It's not easy to oxplain," replied tho pedestrian, "but if you'll take mo in your cor I'll point it out to you as we go along." "Good," said the motorist. 'Mump in!" " First." directed the man, as ho took his seat, "you drive straight ahead for about two miles." At the end of them ho said - "Now, if you'll drop me here, I can show you th<? rest of the way. Just turn round and go back three miles, and there you are." " Why didn't you tell mo that in tho first place, instead of taking me two miles out of my way?" demanded the motorist. " I live hero," said the pedestrian, simply. " And didn't you notico I was wearing new shoes V-