CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXV, Issue 19838, 7 January 1928, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

"How do you tune these jazz instruments?" "You don't." Ned: " We'll be friends until the end." Ted: "Lend me ten shillings then." Ned: "That's the end." Woman: "No, I never feed tramps." Tramp: " I ain't askin' you to, lady, jusgimme the food an' I'll feed myself." Customer: "Say, waiter, I ordered strawberry shortcake. Where are the strawberries?" Waiter: "That's what it's short of, sir." Magistrate (to prisoner accused of being drunk): "Is that your full name?" Jock McHaggis: "It's ma name whether I'm tu' or sober." "And-whoso are theso skulls?" "The larger is that of the man who had this castle built." "And the little one?" "Tho same lord when ho was a boy." Landlord: "Yes, Dick Turpin was once nearly caught , in this very room." Guest (opening an egg): " I guessed as much. He'went off without his breakfast." ' .. . F.rjcnd.: " So sorry to hear your* husband has been assassinated. 1 thought he was becoming quite popular again." The Widow: "He was. But you know what-men are—he left off his mail undervest" too uoon!" , Tie young couple were having their usual meal-time discussion. " What did you think you were marrying—a cook?" she snapped. " No," he cried, " and I didn't think I was marrying tho world's champion tin-opouer." Donald (after a thoughtful pause): "Do you like wee boxes of chocolate, Maggio?" Maggie: " Aye, Ido that> Donal'." " Weel, if ye get ano wi' a bit ribbon round it, ye midit iet me hae it. I'm thinkin* o' gettin' vaccinated.", A man 'went to have his photograph taken. "Will you hava it mounted?" asked the photographer. > ". Well, yes, .1 might as well have it taken mounted,'" replied the man. "It will be a surprise for my 'wife—she's never seen me on a horse before." " What a boy you are for asking ques- '' said the exasperated father. " I like to know what would have happened if I'd asked as many questions when 1 was a boy." " Perhaps," suggested the young hopeful, "you'd have been able to answer some of mine." A conversation with an old Dartmoor farmer's wife 'turned on an empty house in the neighbourhood. " I am surprised." said the visitor, " that such a fine place should stand empty so long." ' Ah, sir," replied tho old lady, " it's a fine house, but it's festive with rats." "Prisoner," said the magistrate, " you have already been sentenced eleven times for ■ vagrancy, violent assault, embezzlement, theft, and so on." " Would you mind not speaking so loud, your worship ? My • intended father-in-law is in Court, and, you might damage my prospects." A> rector and a long-winded curate were called upon to speak at a religious function. Thfe .curate spoke for about half-an-honr, and before sitting down turned to the rector, saying: " I hope I have not encroached upon your time." "Time," growled out the impatient rector, "you have encroached upon eternity;"

Visitor: "How does the land lie out this way?" Native: "It ain't the land that lies, it's the real estate agents." A man who found a button in his salad remarked, with great presence of mind: " I suppose it dropped off while tho salad wa3 dressing." " Agnes has discarded the lover who wrote such beautiful blank verse." " Yes: she has accepted a man who writes beautiful blank cheques." Hetty: "That costumo's a bit brief, isn't it? What Would your mum say if she saw you in it?" Betty: "All sorts of things. You see, it belongs to her." Teacher : "Johnny, can you suggest anything for my severe headache ?" Johnny: "Yeah, stick your head in a bucket of water three times and pull it out twice." Phil: " Did they have a decent conjuror at the entertainment last night ? " Bill: "Rather, top-hole! I lent him a dud shilling, and ho gave mo back a good 'un afterwards." Mr. Hotair: " Tho desert stretched out on all sides of me. I raised my rifle; it went off with a crack; there ahead of me lay a dead bear;" Maud (innocently): " How long had it been dead? " ? Magistrates "What is the charge against this man?" Policeman: "Caught him comin' out of Madame Cecile's, your worship, with seventy-five ladies' dinner dresses in liis overcoat pokets." Mrs. Green: "And whom <Joes thin statue represent?". Artist: "That is Diana, executed in terra cotta." Mrs. Green: "Oh, poor thing, how brutal they are in those outlandish countries." Magistrate: "Have you anything to say before I.pass sentence?" Old offender: " Yes, yer worship. I hopes you'll take into consideration the youth of my counsel, and pass a light sentence." \ ' ' : Tho professor was striving to impress upon his class tho definition of a cynic. " Now what/ lie asked, " would you call a man who professes to know everything.?" " A professor, sir," came the reply. " How did the Smith wedding go off ?" " Fine—until the parson asked the bride if she'd obey her husband." " What happened then ?" " She replied, 'Do you think I'm crazy ?' and tho groom, who was in a sort of daze, said, ' I do.' " A colonel 1 was transferred to a new command. On reaching his depot he found stacks of usless documents accumulated in the archives by his predecessors ; so he wired to headquarters for permission to burn them. The answer came back: "Yes, but niuke copies first." A young man took a manuscript to the editor of a magazine, who. after reading it, sent for the contributor and said, " A very good story indeed. Did you write this yourself?" "Oh, yes," said the young man, "of course I did." " Then," said the editor, "I'm delighted to meet you, Mr. Kipling."

A well-known English entertainer, who prides himself on being able to speak the Doric like a Scotsman, was recently appearing in Glasgow, and at a dinner told a few stories in his best Scottish accent. "What part of Scotland would you say I belonged to, judging by my accent?" he asked his host afterwards. replied the Scot promptly.

A TERRIBLE SMELL. Isaac went into Ikey's secondhand store. When he saw Ikey, he said to him: " My, there is a terrible smell in here! Ain't it!" " Sh!" said Ikey* 1* It's de business. It's rotten." DARKER DATS AHEAD. " I'm all in the dark abont how these bills are to be paid," said Mr. Hardup to his wife. •" Well, Henry," said she, as she pulled out another one and laid it on the top of the pile, " you will be if you don't pay that one, for it's the gas bilL" OVEBW GREED. Fred: " You're awfully hoars » this morning, Teddie. What faavs yoa been doing ? " Ted: " I was in some amalfeur theatricals last night." Fred: " Playing lead, I suppose ! " Ted: "No, old chap. I was the prompter." OUT Or BEACH. A clever foreign pianist had been engaged as accompanist to an amateur singer, whose ambitions were higher than her technique. The lady had been flat Dearly all through her songs, and at last the , pianist lost his temper. ' " Madam," ha said politely," it is of no use. I gif up der cbob. I blay der black keys, I blay der whit® keys, and always you sing in der cracks." NO HELP HEEDED. When Lord Dufferin, who was known as a, great ladies' man, was made Viceroy of India, ho called his staff together to give instructions as to what he proposed doing in the way of entertaining. His concluding remarks were: " Understand that I expect you all to j devote your energies to the elderly ladies. Yoa neod not trouble about the young and pretty ones; I will look after them myself." • THE END OF XT. Two boys were teaching yeungster to ride a bicycle. After getting him safely into the saddle they gayo him a push and off ho went down a hill. Some time passed, but there was no sign of the cyclist, so the two went in ! search of him. Meeting an old lady, they inquired if she had seen a boy on a bicycle. " Indeed, no," was the answer. I have seen no one except a boy sitting in a ditch mending umbrellas!" HIS TASTE IN HEADING. A clergyman had taught an old man in his parish to read, and found him an apt pupu. When he called at the cottage some time after, only the wife was at home " How's John ?" he asked. " Very well, thank you." " I suppose he can read the Bible comfortably now ?" " Bible, sir ? Bless you, he was out of the Bible and into the sporting papers long ago." WELL DONE, ISAAC. The teacher had been explaining to her pupils the different meanings of the words "to," " too," and "two," and finally, to find out il the children had grasped the idea, she decided to give a test. "Now, children, as quickly as you can, I want you to give me a sentence containing all three spellings." Hardly were the words out of her mouth, before a hand went-up. " Well, Isaac?" said the teacher, and the boy, the solitary Jewish child: in the class, answered, glibly J " I'wo shiUiW ® u too muoh to-spend."

WISHBONE ROMANGS. The wish-bone was palled. "Well, what did you wish? " , She asked (though hi* answer ,»he knew! ) " I wished you'd allow me to kiss you,. And you ?" " I wished that your wish might come true." FBOPEBLY STUNG. Sandy bought liwo tickets for a raffle and won a £SOO motor-car. His friend# rushed up to his house to congratulate him, bat* found him looking miserable as could be. " Why, mon, what's the matter, wi' ye ?" they asked. " It's that second tickefe. Why I ever bought it I einna imagine." HODEBN LOVERS. " Are you as perfect as you 6eem to be ?" he asked. " Certainly," she replied. " Has there ever been any insanity in your family?" "Never." " Are your teeth in good condition and do you see and hoar perfectly ?" " Yes." " Are you ever bothered by • insomnia or headache or indigestion?" "Not at all. "Thank heaven. Now, perhaps, I can ask you for a kiss." THE OBVIOUS THING. A certain actor, plsiying the part of » consumptive hero, practised a realistic cough. During the first performance he coughed continually. After one terrific paroxysm, his old tutor, in the play, had to say. "My dear friend, what can I do for you?" Whereupon a raucous but sympathetic voice from the gallery exclaimedlf you are his friend, why aOtt-t ycr gT** 'im a bloomin' corf drop ?" A GOOD DEED. The> teacher Of a Sunday, school class had been readiug a story of the kind shepherd who found a lamb half-frozen on a hill-sido and wrapped it in his coafe and carried it back to the fold. " Now," said the teacher* " can any of you tell me of a similar act of kindness ?" " Yes, miss," piped one boy, jumping to his feet. " I heard father say the other day that he had put his iihirt on a horse that was scratched." A GOOD TRY. Jozies tucked the football under hie ! aria with grim determination in his eye. In ten "yards he would be-aeroSs'the line tto safety He twisted and dodged. Men I lunged "at him, but he kept on. He was just thinking '1 have done it," when the ball slipped from his grasp. The whistle blew. Jones stopped, sighed, adjusted his parcels, cursed Christmas presents, picked up the football; the policeman's whistle blew again and traffic was onco more against him. TRUE LOVE. M Darling," he said*.— " * mast teU you, and you* must believe, that 1 hav never loved anyone but you, ' -at you _ the only woman in the and that you are the first gir ' kissed. You believe j Ußl mVua darling?" and he gazed Jnto he brown eyes for his J* her hands in his. me!" he cried. never car f!i_ lies .t the i are the mt