CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIV, Issue 19833, 31 December 1927, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

J' Whv, madam," said the aviator, " I started "at the bottom and worked my way up."

41 Do you like the long drawn-out. afternoon speeches.as well as theother kind.'" " What other kind t"

Professor: " How would you define ignorance." Student: " Ignorance is when you don't know something and someone finds it out."

Fond Father: " Come, Tommy, even if vou have hurt yourself a bit, you "shoi;ld:a't cry." Tommy: " What's—crying—for—then ? "

Palmist: 48 You will marry a .man who is handsome, rich and generous," Client: "And'how am I to get rid of the man I'm married to now? "• *

«' t Daddy, mayn't I go to the circus this afternoon ? " " Certainly not, dear. Fancy thinking of going to a circus when Aunt Charlotte's here."

Sunday School Teacher: " What do you know about Abel?" Scholar: "'E was the cricketer wot batted first for Surrey afore- 'Obbs Q|tme along."

" .Didn't you find your sixpence, Tommy'/ " " No, sir, but my little brother: did." " Then what are you looking for "now I"* "My little brother."

The soap-box orator was warming to his subject.- "Friends,", he cried passionately, " make me your leader, and in. everything you undertake I'll, be behind you!" .

Bobby, " Mamma, when can I shave Kke papa does?". Mother: "Not for a long time yet, Bobby." Be'by: "Why not ? I 'know a lot of the w% .is already."

It.',was the Scotchman's first visit to a greyhound race-meetingi . He watched the rst thre# races carefully, and then tried in the next race to back the hare for a ishilling.

Wi&yt " I "g, wfey - xoi fiirayt* step io«i on the babouy direclly I H*i» to sing?" Hub's"-My lovfe, in ,-dwr th«it the. neighbours; shall Hot imagine that J. am ill-treating you."

Little Babs: " Mum; Can I go to the party as a milkmaid ? " Muni: " dear, I'm afraid you're rather too small. ' Little Babs: " Then* iuym, can 1 go as a condensed milkmaid 1 "

Prosecuting Counsel: " Why the accused Should break into the same house twice in one month must remain a mysr t e ry——'' Accused: " Not at all, guv'nor It was owing to this bhnkiu' bouse shortage."

Miller: "Just as Millet and the widow Started up the aisle to the. altar every light in the church went out." Mumford: "What, did the couple! do then?" "Kept on going. The widow knew the way." > •

Husband: " I suppose you'll toll ma next that you will go home to yOur mother."■ Wife: "Not at all. I'm not so foolish as that." Well, ; wbat are you going to do? " "I'm going to ask'dear mother to come bt>re."

A . youngster was told that while the pea-co,ck has* a beautiful tail, the peahen has no tail'to speak of. He reproduced this something ' thnswise:, "The peacock .a tail; ths peahen, has a tailrtbo;" but J it must ' not' be 'talked about/-*

Teacher: "Cap you tell me the future tense of the verb to love,' Barbara ? " Little Barbara: "Please, miss, 'to get married' "

An American girl has killed a bear with a rolling pin. Her fiance has received letters of sympathy from bachelors all over the world.

Butler: " Thero is a mendicant at the door, madame!" Mrs. New-Riche: "A mendicant ?—Well—er—tell 'im there's nothiug to mend."

Mabel: "Do you think Clarice really loves Bobby?" Alice: "She doesn't know yet. She's" going-to that famous Vienna psychiatrist to find out."

Wife: "I think we should have a new car." Husband: "I'm perfectly satisfied with the old one." Wife: "Fine! Then I can have the new one."

Burglar (having climbed up on a porch roof): " Another guy sleepin' with bis window shut, I've s mind to write to the board of health about it."

Stern Parent: "When-I-was a bey i had -to ' «vcrk fw my living. " Idle Seiis "Welti father, imre's no- job any harder than working yyu for a living."

Hopeless - Pupil: " When - I become great mudcian, Professor, I shall owe it all to you " • Professor:' " No I am sorry, but my fees must be paid in advance? madame." , « • t

Miss Slater { "Are you living in the handsome house left you by your aunt, Colonel—the house you v went I to law about ?" Colonel: "No, my lawyer <resides there."

"How much .was old Spender's estate sworn at?" "Oh, quite a lot." V\hy, ]; thought he left ' practically tothim;." "So he did. ' That's why it'was sworn at'quite a lot.-'

Wife: "You seem disappointed with your parcel." s jfclasbandj "Yes. i answered an idvertiseraent io. a,device to keep dowss g*s bills, and the firm sect 'xne'a pap©?-'?-f'gkw"

Wife: YXou were, lata , last night." Hub: "Beg y6ur 'pardon, my dear. As I came in the front door. the. clock struck eleven." Wife-. "But what time did you arrive at tha head of the stairs ? Lady JournaKsts " Don't you sometimes pet a fright when you look down upon the street from the top of some steeple?" Steeplejack: "Ye&, indeed, I got one yesterday.. Thought a. poor< old gentleman was going to be run over.

A prominent London dentist halted for a moment, out of curiosity, to watch one of the road-tearing machines in action, An ex-patient, passing by, caught sight of i the specialist. "Ah, he remarked, maliciously, "having a busman's holiday, I ace." >

The small boy On the bus-top had asked a hundred' questions, t His exhausted mother said at last: " Don't.ask any more questions. Curiosity once kjlled the cat." Without hesitation the boy said: " Did it ? What did the cat ' want to know, i mother ?" , '

With' a charming air of romance and pleasant sentimentality, the company were discussing h&w each married couple among them first met. " And where did you first meet your wife?" the little man in the porner was asked. "Gentlemen, I did (not meet herj" : he replied sombrely. - She overtook me/-'

THE SMART BOY. "1 have heard," ' said Professor Short, " That Babylon fell, Anc! Ninevah was destroyed, And- —" Someone in the class: " Tyre was punctured." ADMIRABLE. Mistress {instructing nev butler): " Now how do you address a baronet V Butler: "Your lordship." "" And his lady?" • " Your ladyship." "And ! an admiral?" " Er —your flagship 1" "A SISTER TO HIM." Said the Girl: "No, Freddb, J. can't marry you, but I'll always be a sister to you." And he promptly answered: " All right. That's fine. We'll start right* now. I'll just borrow this ten bob out of ycur bag (click) and now ,run upstairs and fetch me a clean handkerchief (snap) and why on earth don't you get your hair shingled ? it looks perfectly awful like that!' (Door slams. Exit Fneddie.^ THE NEED FOR S2PEEEK The vicar was taking to tcsk one of the voung members oL his flock. "William/' ha said, " I hear that you have teen raising'false swj*esf' in" several maiden hearts. If rumour tlofcs not lie, you are engaged to one girl in this village, another in Little Mudford, and a. third in Ditchley. How do you cornfe to d.u sncii g thing ?" William grinned „ uneasilv. 41 Why, parson," he explained, "I've' gat a bicycle." , , . UNDOUBTEDLY OLD. A pheasant-shooting party had been gathered at a.fine o!d West Country man- ; sion, whose owner was rich but carefuL One of the guests arrived lal b in the evening ait ir the first drivs. This person himself to a whom he' discovered in ' the smoking room. "Glorious old ~ place," he began en-thusiastically.-"Have y«>u ever seen tee old wing?" " Oh, yes, replied th& younger man in a pained v'.io®, "'we had. it for lunch.'"', • ! • FOR ■ EXAMPLE.. • The government official was looking moodily out of his , office window when a friend came in. " This is .frightful, he cried. "We are drifting, to our doom. Look at this laziness, this hatred of .work and. lack of concentration among modern men." " Perhaps you are right," said the friend. " Jubfc look out into the street for; a minute. I have been watching those workmen down there for a full hour and they haven't worked ' for • ten minutes without pausing." NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS. I will toy to respect worthy citizens who admire certain popular novels, and I mil listen with - smiling patience when friends regale me with the details of movie plots. When affluent < tippers enter the restaurant last and .get served first, I .will refrain from folding over , them the thought of acute indigestion. I will try to fee! pleasant £ when wealthy acquaintances announce their departure for the Far East. . T will cultivate gratitude toward benevolent; friends who send 'me tickets to dry culture lecturesr 1 will strive to keep on loving the pisrsoa who alway3 ogives me something J don't want at a time when I can't • use it\ a:id thereby qualifies himself to demand something I do waftt at § time wiien I ■ »eed it saost#

ECONOMY. Two small boys stood in mate admiration before s. wonderful mechanical bird which filled a toy shop with melody. " I'd like to have that !" exclaimed one. " But it costf twenty pounds," the other replied. " I know," said the first boy, " but think how much you'd on bird-steed!" MOEmiU* DEES&. A man was showing his collection of East African trophies to a girl H<smdL Among them was a fine buffalo head. "I had the deuce of. a time with J.hat buffalo," said the man. " Never had such a morning in my life. I phot it in my pyjamas." " Heavens!" gasped the girl. " How did it get into them ?" THE TROPHIES. Office jJoy: "My brother has gold medal for running five miles, an* one for ten. miles; a silver medal for swimming; two cups for wrestling, an' badges ' for boxing an* rowing!" Friend: "He must be a wonderful athlete." Office Boy : " He's no athlete at aIL He keeps a pawnshop." A TREAT IF STOX&i. It was a great nicht—?&e ham-and-egg tea had been VJalicious, and the table was then cleared for the real business. The chairman, in proposing the health oI tha guest of ibs evening, in a, eulogistic speech concruf.td by saying " Our dear friend here has lived among us for forty years, is living with us now, and as he says, hopes to live among us for • inany years to come. Gentlemen, I can only add that -we are all looking forward to burying him here!" FULL SPEED AHKAD. .> - 9 McGuinness had been posted to keep guard over the entrance to a road whitfr led to an old and unsafe bridge., Pres ently a car came along and he held up; hand. " " :J " What's the matter V' growled the driver. At that moment. McGuinness recognised him as the county magistrate. i " Ob, it's yarself, Yer Honour," he jai d genially. " Yes, it is ■" was the snappy answer. " 'Tis all right, then," said Mac, as lie stepped politely out of the way. " I got orders to let no traffic through because of the rotten bridge, but seein' it's you, Yer Honour* 'tis a pleasure—go right ahead, sir!" TEE BURNING QUESTION. The couple sat on the rustic seat beneath the great microcarpa through which the moonlight was filtering. " Gloria, faltered Ralph awkwardly, "you believe './ hat girls or boys should be perfectly frank with each other before getting married, don't you ?" " Yes, Ralph," she answered shyly. " And that neither should keep any: secrets from the other ?" " Yes, Ralph." ,> " Because you know one mifht find out later and it'would cause aU>—-all——'" " All sorts of trouble," she finished for him. " Yes, • Gloria, some men might not} care, but I think it is best to ask if—. if " " Yes, Ralph/' she answered, g?3ing confidently ifcto his sea- ohing eyes. "Gloria, perhaps 1 ought not to demand this, but I don't feel as though I could get along witli & woman—»who—who " . . " Be frank, Ralph, and I u answer you honestly."' Gloria," Ralph burst out nervously, " do you leave the. match-bo* open sites ligiathjgthgfitelii f «i