CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIV, Issue 19798, 19 November 1927, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

Doctor: "Ever have any trouble with dyspepsia?" Patient; "Only when I try to spell it."

"My income is £soo—my capital is £800,000." "Then we will spend the capital first, dear, and keep the income for a rainy day."

Sympathising friend (to widow): "Did you lovo your husband so very dearly?" The Widow: "I should say so." "Yes; but did you?"

"Is Clare much put out at being jilted by that young aviator?" "Oh, no. She says there are just as good birds in the air as ever wero caught."

"Tell your wife not to worry about her deafness, as it is merely an indication of advancing years." "Would you mind telling her yourself, doctor ?"

George: "There goes a fellow that whistles at danger." Sam: "He must be a very brave fellow. Who is he ?" George: ,"A locomotive engineer."

fond Mother: " What do you think of little Freddie ? He's the very image of his father, isn't he "r" Visitor (cynically) : " Yes, but . Freddie needn't mind that as long as he has good health."

Moneyed Magnate (to hard-up suitor) : " Young man, d'you know how I made my money ?" Bright Young Man: "Yes, but I can't permit that to stand in the way of Muriel's happiness."

A foreign paper contains the following advertisement:—"Any person who can prove that my tapioca contains anything injurious to health will have three boxes of it sent to him free of charge."

A music-hall wizard of tho blackboard was calling for long words. "Incomprehensible," called a voice from the p:-:';. " Thank you." " Rubber," suggested a gallery boy. " That isn't long." " Y"ou can stretch it."

An old lady wrote to tho S.P.C.A. to protest against tho cruel practice of scratching horses. Sho called special attention to a statement that three horses had been scratched on tho day of the race—a most cruel and barbarous thing to do!

Sunday School Teacher: "My dear children, I want you to look upon me as a shepherd, and 1 shall look upon you as my sheep. Now you all know what t'lio shepherd does to his sheep." Little Boy: " Shears them."

A thrifty man entered an outfitter's shop and asked tho price of somo collars. " Two for ' half-a-crown," replied the assistant. "And how much will ono cost?" was tho next question. " Ono and sixpence,-' camo tho reply. "Then I'll tako the other one," said the thrifty one.

Two men wore discussing the remarkable business abilities of a mutual friend at the club. Few men show such keen business instincts," remarked one. "Is ho really full of it?" asked the other. " Oh, ratner," was the reply, " why he even refers to his wife as his fifty per cent, preferred."

At a club two members wero discussing the eloquence of a certain M.P. " You ought to hear him," said one. " I have heard him," replied the other. " I listened to him for nearly a couple of hours the other day." " Really, and what was he talking about?" The other replied, "Well, I really don't know. He didn't say." *

The fellow who boasts about running things at home usually means the radio, lawnrnower, or washing machine.

An American explorer reports that he has been robbed by bandits in the jungles of Brazil. How civilisation spreads!

"What do you think of the Museum of Art?" ' "Oh, the pictures are good enough, but there ain t no good jokes in under them."

"What happy people you are to have six nice daughters! What resources for your old ago!" Yes, resources enough! But the difficulty nowadays is in husbanding one's resources!"

"I hear that you and Bill are on the outs again." "He's too darn fresh! I told him my father had locomotive ataxia, and the brute wanted to know if he whistled at crossings."

The Irish master had left his class with the instruction that, they were not to talk. "I can hear you boys keeping quiet at the other end of the building," he complained when ho returnfed.

Wife : " Yes, wo passed a x-esolution tonight, Frank, pledging ourselves to help to ameliorate ,the orying evils of to-day. Husband: Then, for goodness sake, Ellen, go upstairs to the twins! "

Teacher: (during a lecture on success) : "Why should wo endeavour to rise by our own efforts?" Tommy-: "Because there's no knowing when the alarm clock may go wrong."

Proud Parent: " What kind of a man is this fiance of yours?" Prudence (his daughter): "Well, he says ho has always wanted a homo." " That sounds good." "And he likes ours very much."

"You know Jones who was reputed to be so rich ? Well, lie died the other day, and tho. only thing ho left was an old Dutch clock." "Well, there's one good thing about it; it won't bo much troublo to wind up his estate."

A certain young woman tried to bo aristocratic, and did not look at the money she gave to tho tramcar conductor, but ho meekly gave her back the "conversation" lolly on which was written, "I'll never cease to love theo!" and said he had a wife with five little kiddies to support and must be excused.

The country cousin was deeply interested in London's sights and went on asking questions. "What I can't understand," he remarked, "is why you have your lamp posts set so close to one another along tho pavement." "Lamp posts?" repeated the Londoner. "Those are not lamp posts;'those are petrol-filling stations.'

Tho family were sitting around the fireside in the evening. Mother was knitting, father reading the newspaper, and the boy was studying words. " Did;" the boy asked, " what is a fiancee?" Father: "A young lady who is engaged to be married." Boy: "Then what is a fiasco, dad?" Father; "Oh, that's the fellow, who is going to marry her."

A Scotsman from Glasgow went to America and applied to join the police. In the course of his examination by the authorities he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a crowd?" " Weel," replied the Scotsman, " I dinna ken what should be done in New York here, but I ken what I would do lat bame in Glesca." " What is that ?" 'M would send round the hat!"

A GOOD RETORT. A certain literary celebrity always •wears his hair rather long. One day his wife, who is rather a neat person, said to him in exasperation, "When are you going to get your hair cut?" "Oh," he (replied airily, "when I get time, my dear." "In that case," said the lady smartly, "they'll do it free." PETER PIPER'S PEOK. A young man who stammered very badly, consulted a specialist in that type of impediment, and after a few lessons was able to say quite clearly, "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppercorn." His friends congratulated him on his fluency. "Y—yes," said the stammerer sadly, "b—but it's a d—d—damned hard thing to w—work into ordinary c—c —conversation, you know." STILL TROUBLED. The hero and heroine had " dried up " completely in their love scene, and the voice of the prompter came to them in a whisper, " The moon is up," and still they looked round-hopelessly. Again came the voice, "The moon is up," and still the lovers looked round hopelessly. More audibly the line was repeated, and then, in a voice clearly audible to the audience, " The—moon—is—up." " Yes, 1 know," said the hero, " but who says it?" MIGHT WANT IT. The Jones family \vcro on holiday, and it had rained every day for a week. They were all very gloomy as they sat in the front room of their boardinghouse. Little Jimmy was looking through the window at the downpour when he exclaimed suddenly, "Oh, look! There's a man carrying a lot of wood S What's he going to do?" Mr. Jones looked up from his paper. "I suppose he's going to build an ark!" ho said. THE KIND GOLFER. An elderly woman wandered over the £olf course in company with her little dog, 'iddy. Over the crest of a slight rise came a golf ball. It rolled up to her feet. The dog immediately seized it in its mouth." The next moment an angry golfer appeared in view, shouting and waving his club in the air. The woman regarded him a moment in mild surprise; then she spoke to her pet. "Put it down, Diddie," she said. " Put it down my precious. Hera comes the kind gentleman to knock it for you again." BOY'S HAPPY THOUGHT. Though a benevolent old gentleman, and a kind employer, Mr. Jones decided that, so far as his office-boy, Ralph Halwin, was concerned, the limit of patience had been reached. The boy must be dismissed. Ho had arrived a quarter of an hour late yesterday, 10 minutes late the day before, and this morning—Mr. Jones glanced at the office clock—the lad was already 20 minutes overdue. Precisely uine minutes later he entered in the unobtrusive manner of one prepared for, trouble. A horrible silence ensued. Then—"And what excuse have you got this morning?*' demanded Mr. Jones in the fiercest voice that lie could muster. "The—er—ice on the pavemonts, sir," stammered Master Ralphy. "It—er.— every step I—er—took I —er —slipped back two." Mr. Jones glared at the lad. "Indeed," ho remarked, with calm deliberation, "then, prav, how did you get here at all?" "Never thought I should, sir," replied the incorrigible one, suddenly and happily ! inspired—"that is, till I decided to turn back home."

THE WORST OF IT. A gentleman having a remarkably bad, breath was met by Lord Tb nrlow in Pall Mall, who, seeing him booted and spurrod, asked him where he had been. "I have been taking the air this morning," said he, "which was rather disagreeable, too, as I had a bad north wind full in my face all the time." "Gome, come," said his lordship, "don't you complain; the north wind had tho j worst of it." CONSOLING TO PRISONER. A certain well-known and respected judge was noted for his gentle manner with prisoners. On one occasion he was dealing with a poor fellow who looked miserably broken and contrite. " Have you ever been sentenced to imprisonment ?" the judge asked in a sympathetic way, "Never, never!" exclaimed the prisoner, bursting into tears. " Don't cry —don't cry," said the judge, consolingly. " You're going to be now." A GENTLE HINT. As he pushed his ladders down the street a sharp-eyed window-cleaner noticed tho windows of a certain house were very dirty. "Would you like the windows cleaned, sir?" he asked a man who was industriously mowing the lawn. J The other peered angrily over the top of his spectacles. "No," he snapped; "they do not require cleaning," The •window-cleaner sighed regretfully, and then asked softly, "May I give your spectacles a wipe over, sir?" NOT HIS STRONG POINT. Visiting a remote English village, a man entered a local emporium—where rashers of bacon, secd-cake, and paraffin oil were special lines—and asked to be shown some postcards. A greasy, rather battered assortment was brought out by a boy who looked not beyond school ajje. The visitor picked up a view of Styling Castle. "Do you know that place ?" he asked the boy. "No," was the reply. "That's Stirling Castle, Scotland." Oh, yes," said the boy. Then, following a short pause: "I've heerd o' Scotland!" A GRATEFUL MAN. A procession was passing through the city, and a party had obtained seats in a shop window. The window was oldfashioned, and consisted of a number of small panes. After a few minutes the atmosphere became stuffy. One of the party suggested that a few panes should be broken to admit tho fresh air, and everypne Bhould contribute toward the repayment for the damage. VAll agreed except one man, who refused to pay .a farthing. J.t was finally decided 4 to dispense with his ccntributien, and tho window was smashed. As soon as the pane fell oat the man pushed his head 4 through the opening and exclaimed, "Thank goodness! In another minute I should have been suffocated! " "AND THERE." A pompous old gentleman, visiting a certain rural district, wished to inspect some ruins in the neighbourhood. He inquired for the oldest inhabitant, and assailed hiin with such a host of needless interrogations that the ancient personage presently lost his temper, and said:"I'll tell thee a better way yet. Go straight dovvu yonder, take fust turning to right, second to left, over four stiles, through a tater-fjeld, past up Milestone Hill common till you come to the Wimdy Wood, | t,o down till you get .into ( the middle of that 'ero Svood> and then-"—^ "Well, and what th^n!" deinandcd . the old gentleman. "Then, said Me oldest inhabitant, "I'm blowed if yoa won't be properly lost J .