CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIV, Issue 19780, 29 October 1927, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

Sho: " I've just thought of something clever, dear." He: "Beginner's luck, eh, dear?"

Mate: " Let go the topsail halyards." College Boy (working way across) : " I'm not touching them."

Jane: "On just such a night as this you proposed to me, Jim." Jim: " ies; rotten night, isn't it ?'*

Customer: "Are you sure that these hairpins are invisible?" Clerk: "Yes, madamo, I had a hard time finding them."

Young son (to shoe clerk waiting upon his fastidious mother): "No use showing her the first ten pairs—she won't take 'em."

Nervous Man (in department store) : " 1 havo lost my wife." Floor Walker: " Mourning goods are on the third floor, sir."

" There, I've broken a mirror. That means seven years' bad luck." " Don't be a pessimist. Perhaps you won't live seven years."

"Is this a first-class restaurant?" the pompous man demanded. " Oh, yes," answered the waiter, " but we doy't mirid serving you."

Father: " I understand that young man of yours travols in rather speedy company." Daughter: "Thanks for the compliment, old dear."

John Jenks upon his wedding day Was a terribly excited creature. He handed his bride the marriage fee And tried to kiss the preacher.

Mary: "What did the specialist say about' Mrs. Do Vere's frightful attack of kleptomania?" Mabel: "Oh, he said she must take things more quietly in the future."

Professor: "Give me a sentence with the word 'boycott.' " Johnny: " Farmer Brown chased his son and % didn't catch. him till the boy-cott on a barbed wire fence."

" Now. children, what did the Romans do for the Britons ?" " They civilised 'em, miss." " And how did they do that?" " Pleaso, miss, they taught 'em how to fight."

Patient: " But, doctor, you are asking ten shillings for taking a cinder out of my eye." Specialist: "Now, now! My charge is -for removing foreign substance from the cornea."

Mr. Rich: " I'm sorry your husband is bankrupt, Mrs. Skinner." Mrs. Skinner: " Oh, yes, it has upset him so terribly that he's going to retire from business and go abroad."

" Look here," shouted the agitated customer, rushing into the chemist's shop, " you gave mo etrychnino instead of quinine." " Then that will be another fourpence, sir," said the assistant.

Young Thing: "I Have brought this book back; mother says it ian't fit for me to read." Librarian: "I think your mother must be mistaken." Young Thing: " Oh, no, the isn't. I've read it all Uu-ounh."

Morris: "I just hate these revolving doors." Margie: "Sodo I. You can't slam them when you get mad."

Wife: "How did Mrs. R. lose her mind?" Husband? " I guess she tried to have the last word with an echo."

She: "Do you think there are divorces in heaven?" He: "I don't think so. You can't get a divorce without a lawyer, you know. *

She used to be too proud to scrub the floor at £1 a week—that was arrogance. Now she does it for nothing—that's matrimony.

"Is he railly dishonest?" "Why, if he'd been born with a gold spoon in his mouth it would have had somebody else's initials on it."

He: " Well, my father has another wife to support now." She: " How's that? Is he a bigamist?" He: "No, but I just got married."

Wifey: "Oh, dear, I can see some of the old lovelight in your eyes. Have you How much do you want?"

Examiner: " What would you do if you saw the woman driving a car in front of you put out her hand ?" Applicant for license: "Slam on the brakes."

Drunk (regaining consciousness in gaol): " Where am I? Where am I?" Cellmate: "Don't be so impatient. You've got ten days to find out."

Wifie: "We'll have to hurry home, Henry! I left the fire burning too high in the kitchen stove." Hubby: "That's all right. I left the bath running."

Proud Parent: "So you desire to become my son-in-law?" John Blunt: "No, sir, I don't; but if I marry your daughter I don't see how I can get out of it."

" Phyllis," said the young estate agent, beginning the carefully rehearsed speech. Then he stopped; not another word of it could he remember. " Er—are you still vacant V

Boresome Visitor: "Is sculpting very difficult?" Noted Sculptor: "1 wouldn't say that. All one has to do is to get a block of stone and then proceed to knock off the stone one doesn't want."

" We have been married five years todav," said wifie, " and as usual, have baked an anniversary cake." "So thoughtful of you, dear," replied hubby. " I look back upon the othler cakes as milestones." m

First Student: "My brother takes up Spanish, French, English, German, and Scotch." Second Student: "Goodness. What does he study?" First Student: " Study 1 He doesn't study. He runs an elevator."

The doctor had taken the temperature of the stockbroker who lay seriously ill. " It has gone up to 104," he announced in a solemn voice. " Gone up to 104!" shouted the stockbroker- Tfcen sell out, man. mil •«*!"

NO HOT WATER. A lady moved into a new house, and the next day she sent for the plumber. " Will you come and look at my tap ?" she asked. " I can't get any hot water." The man ' looked around and exclaimed, " Why, ma'am, you haven't got a fire!" " Oh, was the surprised reply, " I didn't know I wanted a fire; the tap said 4 Hot water'!" HIS PAPA'S PERFUME. Little Maurice's mother had caught a severe cold, and as a precautionary measure had resorted to an old remedy—a glass of hot whisky. Later in the evening, after Maurice had put awey his toys and toddled upstairs to bed, his mother paid him the usual good-night visit. As she bent over her small son before kissing him a look of reproach crept into the bov's eyes. " Oh, mummie," he said solemnly, " you've been usiiig daddie's scent." PRESENCE OE MIND. There had been a terrific struggle in front of goal, and it appeared that the ball had crossed the line. The nervous little referee gave a faint toot with his whistle and murmured, " Goal." Instantly hfi was surrounded by a group of protesting defenders. " Did you say ' Goal' ? " bellowed a huge back, as hs flourished a ham-like fist. " Certainly hot," stammered tho referee. " I said ' Coal.' Someone has just struck me with a piece." ALWAYS POLITE. The manager of the isolated factory had received a letter from a woman, stating that her husband, who worked in the factory, had sent her no money for weeks and weeks. So the manager, a kindly man, sent for the delinquent there and then. " Jackson," he said, when the man made his appearance, "do you ever send your wife anvthing when you write?" " Oh, yes, sir," replied the other, , brightly; "always my kindest regards." THE EXPOSURE. He had poured forth passionate declarations of love to the pretty girl at his side. He had, not thought himself capable of such eloquence. Yet in the midst of his loving words the girl yawned. Even though she raised her hand to conceal it, it did not escape his eager eye. His torrent of burning words ceased. " Why speak to you of love?" he cried bitterly. " You, who are utterly heartJess. Your yawn showed it " " Oh. Clarence," sne whispered, horror-stricken, " did I open my mouth as wide as that 1" HER LUCKY NUMBER. The policeman on point duty was having an unusually exciting morning. For some reason the traffic would persist in mistaking his signals, and lively muddles ensued. Suddenly an old lady beckoned him. The policeman thought she wanted to cross .the road urgently, and he obligingly held up a batch of buses and cars. The dear old soul, one hand clutching her trailing skirt, hurried up to him. "Do you know, officer," she whispered «onfidingly, " the number on your co'llar is my lucky number." FOECE OE HABIT. The Customs House officer sat in the parlour of his snug home, awaiting news of the important event that was taking place in the next room. Suddenly a nurse burst into the room, bearing in her arms a small bundle. " It's a boy," she said, " and everything has gone splendidly." " Oh, has it ?" replied the officer, absent-mindedly. Then, in stern tones, he addressed the bundle: " Have you any wines, spirits, perfumes, tobaooo, silk, opera glasses, watches—'i

INSULT ADDED TO INJURY. An elderly man was cycling <k>wn the street when a dog rushed across the j-oad, and, getting under tho front wheel, threw him oi: the ground in a sitting position. ~ Immediately a crowd collected, and the dog, excited by so many people, rushed round and round the cyclist, seeni« ing to enjoy it.

'' Did you have an accident or something?" asked one of-the audience." " Oh, no," retorted the old fellow. " I threw myself down so that I could play with the dbg!' IT WAS NO WONDER. Two men had met on the beach at Shrimpsea. Both were attired in swimming costumes, and the conversation turned toward sport. After a few remarks the elder man said: " I'll race voa to the end of the pier and back." " Bight you are," agreed the other, who was a professional at the game. "Bet you ten bob I win." They plunged into the surf, and the professional swimmer was badly beaten. "My stars!" he exclaimed. " Where did you. learn to 'swim 7" "Met" said the other. " I used to* be a newspaper boy in Venice." COULD NOT BE TOO CAREFUL. The bishop was visiting the woollier and more western part of his diocese, and, on his arrival at his destination, was met by a prominent • church official, -who, in his business, capacity, was the principal bootlegger of the district. After an exchange of greetings, the bishop remarked: "Is there any special subject you can suggest, Mr. Bangs, on which I could base my address?" * " Wal, bishop," replied the worthy Bangs, " you must remember this is a ' tough' town, and if you want a quiet, religious meeting to-morrow, don't say too much about the Ten Commandments." THAT SETTLED THAT. A celebrated tenor had received an enthusiastic reception and. was standing in the lounge after his performance. The people flocked round him, and he was hard put to ib to acknowledge all 'the compliments sheared upon him. His arm began to ache, owing to the severe treatment it received, and the tenor wished it were all over. . Finally, an elderly duchess simply over- - whelmed bim with praise, much to his disgust. " Your singing took me back to my girlhood days," she enthused. " Really,' murmured the artiste. "I had no idea my voice would carr* so far." ■ •• IT WAS TOO BAD. A certain actor who had played but three weeks out of the last fifty-two saw a prosperous theatrical manager leaving his club in the West End. " Where are you going ?" asked the actor. "To see my tailor," replied the manager. "I'm going your way/' said the actor. " I'll walk with you. As they walked across the street, tie actor had a bright idea. " I say," he said, " I've had a rotten season. I ne*»i a new suit, and I have no money or credit anywhere. Slip me a fiver. When you go to pay vour tailor, pretend you are five pounds short, and ask fee to lend it to you. Despite my shabby appearance, when the tailor sees I'm a friend of yours, and apparently have money to lend, he'll insist on making me a suit." The manager laughingly agreed that the scheme was worth trying and handed the actor the fiver. When they reached the tailor's shop, he carefully carried out. his part of the programme, turning to the actor for heln " I find I'm five pounds abort. Lend it to me, will you ?'* " I'ia sorryr" the actor. "I haven't got a ha'penny with nut.- : a'\, v * , „ • < £ - W