CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIV, Issue 19720, 20 August 1927, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

Porter: "Any luggage, ma'am?" Polite Lady: "No, thank you, I've got plenty.

"Do you have tiioso invisible hair nets?" ""Yes, ma'am." "Let me see them, please."

Globe Trotter: "Have you been to the Occident?" Mrs. New-Rich : "No, reahly. Was anyone hurt ?"

"Pardon me," said the young man, "but your face is familiar " "bo is youi manner," retorted the girl

'Your grandfather is a witty old man He seems to be full of originality." "Yes We call him epigrampa

"What is the solution of the reckless driving problem? asks a contcinpoiaiy. It can be given in a sentence.

"She isn't exactly pretty, but she has that indefinable hear; her father has piles of it.

"How far is it to the station, mv boy?' asked the stranger. "It's about twenty minutes' walk," replied the boy, "it you run."

"How old is Elizabeth? ", L)o1 ! l know, but everybody was overcome by the heat from the candles on her last birthday cake."

Forward: Don't you think that the violinist's obhgato is beautiful ? March . "I can't say yet; wait until she turns round."

" Like my new hat, Di ?" " Tremendously, darling. I've always been fond of that, stvle. I had one just like it the year before last." " She has a very difficult part in that play." 4< Difficult? Why she doesn't say a word." Well, isn t that difficult foi a woman ? Guide: "These are the of a castle of the earliest invaders." Tourist: "Why did they build it so far away from the station ?" Shv Boy: " Look at my new luminous wrist-watch." Bold Girl: "Yes; but don't you think we could see it better in the dark ?" Doris: "How did you know I was going to wear my hair curled this evening?" Jack: "I saw it in the papers this morning."

He: " I was afraid you'd scream when I kissed you." Sho: "I didn't dare. Mother was in the next room and might have heard me."

Gladys: "No! I would nover marry a man to reform him." Ethel: "Well, I don't think, myself, that harsh measures are tho best."

Smith: " That man of mine ought to be hung." Smithers: " Not hung, my boyhanged." Smith: " Hung I say. Hanging is too good for hiin!

" I'd like to be cremated, but I'm sure my wife wouldn't like it." " Why ? " She's always complaining about my leaving my ashes around."

Wife (to sick husband): " Well, there's one thing, 'Erb. W 7 ot with 'ot poultices every two hours and yer med'eine every three, the days'U soon pass."

Stella: " I'm to be married next week, and T'm terribly nervous." Ella: "I suppose there's alwayß a chance of thetnan getting away np to the last minute."

Dick:- "If I asked you to marry me, dear, what would you say?" Joan: "Guess." Dick: "Well—er—what would it rhyme with?" Joan: "Guess."

Art: "I'd like vou to pamt a portrait of my late uucie. Artist: " Bring him in." Art: "i said my late ancle.' Artist: bring him in wlifen ne comes, then."

ieacher: " Goui b u, give me a sentence using the word satiate.' " George pause): " 1 took ih> girl to sup l*;i una ill satiate everytuing on tiie la 010.'

inciignaut Lauy with income las loi me inst time): "1 see yuu oiuy aiiovv as personal expensesit.s 4 ulle picposieious i i jpeno a lot more man that!"

Determined i-«ady. " No, you can t cheat me. 1 liavn t ridden in caus these ten years lor uoUimg. Uisguaied iaximaii. tlaven t you. Well, you ve done your best."

"Hard lines about poor Smith, wasn t it?" said Jones. "What happened to him?" asked tfiown. "He got so far benind witli nis rent that he hao to many his landlady."

i'he Man. "Look at that silly chap over there. He's trying to thrt with you. I've a mind-to give him a good punch on the jaw!" lhe Woman; Do. that's my husband."

Mabel with wire netting): " Oh, Mr. Spivvins, do you know how to make a chicken-run?" The Curate: " Well, I usually clap my hands and say Shoo!' in a loud voice."

Isaac: "Did you take little Ikey to the doctor, Rebecca?" Rebecca: "\os, he says it's nothing nut heartburn." "Heartburn! Giacious! An' ye ain't got 'im covered for fire risk."

A sad case of a Scotsman is reported who was engaged to a girl who became so fat that ho wanted to break off the engagement. But the girl couldn't get the ring off, so he had to marry her.

Mrs. Swank: "My new maid is a treasure—clean and smart, and her cooking is delightful." Mrs. Svvise: "Ihats good. How long have you had her ?" Mrs. Swank: "She comes to-morrow."

Choleric Business Man: "I don't know what the modern youngsters are coming to. My wretched office boys persistently whistle while they work." Second Ditto: "You're fortunate Mine just whistle."

Tourist (in America): "How much are your rooms?" Clerk: "First floor, ten dollars a day; second floor, eight dollars; third floor, six dollars." Tourist: "Sorry, your hotol is not high enough to suit me."

Grocer: "My son, the one who used to help me in the shop here went in for boxing. Won a championship, too!" Customer: "Aye, I remember him. I suppose he'll have won the light-weight championship ?"

Biggs: "You say Brown is enjoying very poor health. Don't you know that is incorrect?" Briggs: "Not in this case. Brown is one of those men who are never happy unless they have something to complain about."

A very ancient motor rattled through the gate of a football ground, and the gatekeeper came forward to collect the usual fee. " Five shilling for the car," he said. " Sold!" replied the owner, with a sad smile.

AN UNCOMMON NAME. A foreigner was rushing madly down the street when he was suddenly grabbed by a policeman. " Ere, you musn't go racing about like that," said the latter. "Wot's yer name?" "Je ne comprends pas," gasped the foreigner, as he tried to wriggle himself free from the constable's gr-asp. " Je ne comprends pas.' " Steady, steady," said the policeman, pulling out his notebook. "How d'ye speLi it ?" THE BATSMAN'S HARD LUCK. The batsman walked pompously to the wicket, surveyed the crowd loftily, had the sight screen moved, patted the pitch, adjusted his cap, hitched up his trousers, patted the turf again, and dug himself in. The bowler sent down a simple ball which shattered the stumps, and the batsman sloWiV returned to the pavilion. " Ard luck, sir!" came a voice from the crowd. "Just as you was getting set!" BUNKERED! Two men were discussing golf courses in general and a little nine-hole course in particular. Eventually the conversation turned to a certain 18-hole course. "I always think," said one, "that the little nine-hole course is fai more difficult than the 18-hole course."

"Well, one would expect it to be so," exclaimed a friend who did not play golf. "Why ?" asked the two men, simultaneously. "It is obviously easier to get a little ball into one of the holes when there are 18. It would be twice as hard when there are only nine."

ALL HE WANTED. It was with high hopes that a commercial traveller called on a certain tradesman. They had never done business together before, but a friend had given him an introduction. "May I show you my samples ?". he asked. "Certainly," said the tradesman. And from an insignificant bag the traveller produced a surprisingly large selection of articles. He pointed out their merits, and then waited. "Well, there's one only thing I want," said the tradesman, and the traveller beamed at the thought of opening a new account. He whipped oat his notebook, and waited expectantly. "What is it?" he asked "Well," was the reply, "I want to see how you're going to get all those samples back'again into that little bag." MR. ISAACS' FINE IDEA. "Good morning, Mr. Isaacs!" remarked the insurance agent. Mr. Isaacs felt alarmed. "Vot's the matter?" he inquired. "My premium's paid, ain't it?" "Oh, yes; that's all right," said the visitor. "I've merely called to show you these fire-extinguishers." Mr. Isaacs laughed. " Fire-extinguishers!" he exclaimed. "They're no good to me, my boy. If I'm burnt out, you've got to pay me." "Yes, yes, Mr. Isaacs," replied the agent; "tut the point is if you keep these extinguishers on your premises my company allow you 60 per cent, off your premium." "Sixty per cent. !" gasped Isaacs. "Ah, my boy, now you talk business !"

And a moment later Isaacs, too, was talking business So much so, in fact, that when Solomons called at his office next day he found the place literally .Strewn with bottles. "Vot are you up to. old man asked Solomons "Opening a chemist's shop, eh ?" . "No," said Isaacs Then he explained the nature of his previous day's transaction "But what do they put in the bottles?" asked Solomons. ''Ah. said Isaacs, "I dnnno vat was in em ven they • came, but they're full of • petrol now!"

MOBE IN THE CUPBOARD. The vicar was visiting one of hi parishioners, an old man who had re cently lost his wife. Seeing half a bottlt of whisky on the table he said to tht old man somewhat sternly: ' "Is this, then, your sole means of con solation now?" asked the vicar. "No." replied the other cheerfully, "there J two more bottles in the cupboard.".. . QUITE A GOOD ONE. Arthur Roberts tells a good stu against himself. One of his greatest sm cesses was as the cabby in " Gentlemai Joe." One evening he took a cab fror his suburban house to the Strand. 0 alighting he asked the cabby what wa the best show to see. " Go and see Arthur Roberts; he's th hest in the town," the cabby said d( 'Msively. Roberts gave him a' sovereigi The cabby thanked him, pocketed tl coin, started his horse, and said, with grin, " Good night, Mr. Roberts." HEABD AT .THE ZOO. On the occasion of the recent visit < French and British sailors to th .London zoo, they observed th immemorial custom of changing hati In the lion house a benevoler old gentleman, seeing a group of sailo apparently in argument, went up to 01 who was crowned with the red tasselle hat of the French Navy, and proceeds in his best French, to deliver a lecture c the habits, customs and morals of tl great cats. The sailor listened gravely for a mimi or so, and then said politely, in a broa West Country accent: "Excuse me, si but I can't understand one bloomin' wo you're saying!" LONG AND SHORT OP IT. In Kent, writes Fred Foster, there is farmer who was born with one of I legs longer than the other, and he w very touchy concerning his legs. gentleman*%ho was on a tour stopp and had a talk with the farmer, and said: "How did it happen" that you have short and a long leg ? Did you m< with an accident?" "No, sir. wasn't an accident, they were made my request." " Ha, ha, that's funn tell me about it." "I wanted to, be a farmer from t very day I was born. That right leg the longest one—when I'm ploughing c go into the furrow, and the short 01 on top ground, without bobbing up a down, as one of you City folks would c See?" A BITTER PILL. Jones was a commercial traveller, a he had been after a large order in t North. Great was his exaltation wh he saw a letter from the firm on desk And, better still, it was wnti in the hand of the senior partner! I fortunately, the big man was notonc for the illegibility of his handwritn and Jones was unable to make anythi out of the letter. He was getting desperate, when he membered that chemists are usually a to read even the worst writing. He h ried to the nearest chemist's shop, should be grateful if you would read t for me," he said. "With pleasure! said the chemi and retired to the back of the shop, returned in a few minutes with a sm parcel wrapped in white paper. Her your medicine!" he said: , , v be two shillings. Take it just before < ing to bed!" I