SCRAMBLED EGGS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 19508, 11 December 1926, Page 1 (Supplement)

SCRAMBLED EGGS.

BY TJNA CUUP.IE.

A BACHELOR'S BREAKFAST.

Civilisation has succeeded in making a platitude of the remark that though one may never have been actually a hen, and therefore can lay no claim to ever having achieved the .laying of an egg, one can nevertheless and notwithstanding produce an omelette. Likewise, one may be capable of evolving scrambled eggs. But bachelors are a strange race, and one can spend a vast amount of time endeavouring to shed light on their misguided darkness without managing to bring them to the point of sensible conversation. Take, for instance, Himself. In response to a most abject and pathetic request for a quick, but satisfying, breakfast suitable for a bachelor abode, I proceeded to elucidate the mysteries of scrambled eggs. Now scrambled eggs, as all know, are a most delicious (and positively ambrosial!) dish. But as soon as I commenced to give away the priceless recipe, did that man remain abject and pathetic ? Did he even look grateful? My dear friends, No! The answer is (very much) in the negative,, as you may have guessed. He did not. And in the end I became as ridiculous as Himself ... as may be seen! The First Lesson. "Well," said I, solemnly, "taking the egg in one hand and a hammer in this other, apply one to t'other, thus performing what is known as the Shellbreaking Act —in one scene!" "It is as well, then, to break the shell?" "Most authorities consider it—er—advisable," I intimated. "Well, to proceed. Having thus detached the contents of the egg from the shell, deposit them in a cup. Stir this well." "What? The cup?" I ignored this puerile sally. "Beat till gently frothing, add pepper, salt, one tablespoonful of milk. . ." "One tablespoonful of milk 1" "I have already spoken! . . . One tablespoonful of milk! Chop a little parsley and add to the mixture—" "Not forgetting the molecules or the vitamines?"

"I speak under difficulties, . . As I have already remarked, add to the mixture. Heat a little butter over a little flame for a little while —"

"In a little saucepan with a little care ?"

"Thou Father of Repetition! Over a flame till melted; stir into the concoction. Deposit the whole in a small saucepan and stir vigorously till solidified (even," I added maliciously, "to the vitamines!). The greatest care must be taken not to allow the mixture to come "to boiling point. This is most important if a youthful figure and rosy-hued complexion are to bo retained. . . . Shape, and turn on to toast." "H'm! Here endeth the first lesson," A Dissertation. "Repeat it!" (I prepared to enjoy myself.) " Ah—er —uh—" "Repeat it!" Meekly, he began. " Scrambled eggs, and how to scramble for them.'* , I looked. . He apologised. " Er—scrambled eggs, and to cook 'em. (Drat*the things)." " Asides," I observed coldly, " are entirely unnecessary." "Beg pardon, ma'am, I'm sure." Be braced himself, and plunged. " Scrambled eggs. Er—scrambled eggs.. Scrambled eggs —" "Exactly. Scrambled eggs. Scrambled eggs. Scrambled eggs! And now scramble them!"

There was the ponderous clearing of a throat. . The adoption of the best guidebook manner: "We have been told on the best authority," quoth he, " that the breaking of the egg of a shell is said to be advisable for an—er —a kick-off. Most experts, while admitting the necessity of this simple little action, also contend, however, that —uh—" " I asked for a recipe. Not a dissertation. And one usually refers to the shell of an egg, not the egg of the shell."

" Oh—ah—yes. Yes. To be sure. Having broken the egg, then, fling the contents gaily into a near-by cup. Three shots a penny." I maintained a chilly silence. "—I said into a near-by cup." He paused hopefully. Silence. Continuation : ,

"Beat till foaming at the mouth—the egg, I mean—when add pepily one pinch of pepper (great alliteration that, what?) a dash of salt and one tea—tea—table-" spoonful of milk." With a conceited little laugh, lie paused for admiration. The moment was painful. He proceeded: • " Chop a little butter over a little flame for a—" ■ I felt it incumbent upon me to inquire since when sarcasm had been an ingredient of scrambled eggs. Also that it is usual to chop parsley and cut butter.'' : . 1 '

He commenced meekly: " Cut a little butter till melted, seize the axe, and chopping down a parsley tree, lop off a couple of branches and shove them in the mixture." The Keckless Bachelor.

I lafc him go onj and he went—recklessly. "Seizing the melted butter in one hand, and the rest of the mixture in the other, so juggle that shortly the two have become united in—er—have become one, thus producing that combination of circumstances and ingredients which with a little care over, a little flame may in a little while —" '' Become a little hash, under your hands, in a little saucepan ? Precisely!" " —Become those vittles for which, the landladies write, the boarders hungrily scramble. • Serve on toast (note carefully, all ye new brides ye, that I say on toast, not with, round, or under toast, but on toast), and eat with the fingers." " Do not allow the mixture to boil while in the saucepan! This is most important." 1 interpolated this in capitals, "Do not allow the mixture to boil while in the saucepan. This is most important." He repeated it in condensed type. "Remarkable! Every syllable {of the last sentence!) correct!" " It pleases you, madam, to be facetious." ' „

I leered sarcastically. "Don't forget to buy the bread for toast before starting the eggs," I adjured. He retorted stifHv: — "One cannot live by bread alone. How about the book of verse ?" "Or the jug of wine—hem?"

"Or the jug of wine!" "This is most absurd. You are making me as childish as yourself. Enough villain. Unhand me, I cry!" And then we both gurgled at the incongruity of a voile-clad girl wearing a rubber coat and carrying a chubby umbrella under one arm—together with a tennis racquet! We decided that the combination was entirely and typically Aucklandian. "Hope on a Tennis Racquet smiling at Rain," paraphrased Himself.

"Don't forget to chop a little lutter." I said, unkindly. Then I disappeared. One learns to be very diplomatic.