FUN AT FARMERS' MEETINGS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 19418, 28 August 1926, Page 3 (Supplement)

FUN AT FARMERS' MEETINGS.

BY A, J, SINCLAIR.

"Awfully disconcerting; makes one feel like a bally parson, what ?" said the son of a Tooley Street butter king with a grin. Out of curiosity he had accompanied me to a night meeting of dairyfarmer at Te Awamutu, and he was referring to the fact that three members of the audience had gone soundly to sleep during my address. Nonchalantly I informed him that, in the course o*f several hundred meetings I had held, that was a common occurrence which must be attributed neither to the dullness of my speech nor to what he was pleased to torris my atrocious Scots ncccut, hut rather to the fact that these offenders had possibly done a day's duly in the padflocks before lie had done his "daily dozen " in his pyjamas. Ad mitt edly the trouble had been accentuated on that occasion. The night had been .so stifling that 1 had emulated the feat ol a famous English statesman by yawning in the middle of my address, while one of my soporific listeners snored so loudly that I had to cease lire until a kindly ally in the audience developed a flank attack and nudged the offender into wakefulness. All the same," said the young Londoner on the way home, " I would jolly well inject- a little humour into that awful mess—l mean mass-of facts and figures which you turn out like a gramophone. Nothing like an occasional laugh to keep 'em awake looking for more, old man. They all like it, whether they are Pirongia dairymen or Piccadilly dudes." At the time I resented his candour, but subsequent experience taught me that his advice was sound. A HERCULEAN TASK. One night at Ramarama the hall was comfortably filled with about eighty settlers. Prices had been good that season, and it was easy going for us. A director of the company was'with me, and he had the faculty of teiling a good Scots story which he invariably made apropos by the simple expedient of telling it at my expense. He was in fine form that evening, and the audience thoroughly enjoyed his opening remarks —with the exception of one man whoso lack of appreciation was noticeable, because he was the sole occupant of the front seat. Not a muscle of his face relaxed, and I made up my mind lor trouble at question time. " Do you see that man in the front seat?" whispered tho director as he sat down. " I can't take my eyes off him," I replied apprehensively. " I bet you a new hat," said the director, " that you cannot make him laugh." In a foolish moment I accepted the challenge. Never did I exert myself mora to put an audience in a pleasant mood, but so far as the gentleman in the front seat was concerned, I met with no more success than the disgruntled director. Until that moment, I had not believed it possibel that any man could sit so impassively for forty-five minutes. It would have been a relief if he had only yawned. " Mine's a Stetson," said the director with tho sangfroid with which he occasionally ordered another commodity. To hide my chagrin, I turned to the chairman and asked: " Who is the man in the front seat?" "A strange case that," was tho reply. "He attends every meeting held in this hall, but for the last twenty years he has been stone deaf! " ANOTHER BET LOST. The farmer likes his information plain and unvarnished, without camouflage or tricks of oratory. He is too busy to be bothered with technicalities, and the jargon of ihe counting-house does not interest him over-much, except in relation to the amount of " bonus " or final payment due to him on the season's operations. At that stage of the address he becomes a financial wizard, and no matter what sum per pound buttter-fat is mentioned, he can tell immediately the amount of his bonus cheque for tho season. At a meeting at Waiau Pa I explained as simply as I could the various channels through which dairy produce was marketed, but I made the mistake of using indiscriminately the expressions " f.0.b." and " c.i.f." without explain-. . ing how these differed. At question time a farmer asked for enlightenment, and, upon receiveing it, he replied in a crestfallen voice: "That explanation cost me ten shillings. I made a bet with my neighbour only this morning that ' c.i.L' mount ' cash in a fortnight.' " THE SPIRIT OF REASON. When the question of the control of dairy produce first came before farmers, I had a wordy battle with a man at Ararimu whose rich brogue identified him as a son of Erin. He had decided views on the subjects of absolute control and the inalienable rights of private property, and these were expressed with considerable eloquence. No answers of mine could satisfy him, but he spoiled a very fine oration with the following " Irishism " I'm a raisonable man, gents; I'm open fo be convinced, but I would like to see the man that could convince me." After tho meeting the Irishman told me he had enjoyed himself immensely. "Me boy," ho said, shaking my hand enthusiastically, " to hear you and me aebatin' was just like lookin' at a field full of thistles and shamrocks! " "WHERE THERE'S A WILL." Trouble was brewing at Buckland where there was a small creamery and casein factory. The manager who had held the position for some years owned his own house, and on leaving he placed a price on it which was considered somewhat high, so that it was decided to build a fourroomed house for the newcomer. An unexpected difficulty cropped up. The successful applicant had a numerous family; ho was an excellent man, and willy-nilly the suppliers insisted that he should have a residence of more elaborate dimensions We endeavoured to placate tho andionce by pointing out tho obvious difficulties, but matters wore brought to a head by one supplier who demanded in stenorian tones: " Will you, or will you not, erect a six-roomed house?" "We will not," I replied with all the firmness I could muster. The supplier lost, his temper, and this proved his undoing. " Understand this,' he shouted excitedly, thumping tho seat in front of him; 11 if you put up a fourroomed house, wo will pull it down before you put it up! " A PROBLEM IN DEPRECIATION. In the courso of the " slump " period four years ago a Hairini farmer took the somewhat unusual course of advertising in the local paper a meeting of suppliers to the local cheese factory, and announced his intention of the management of tho company. I received an S.O.S. message to attend. This farmer, if he was not skilled in accountancy, had certainly gifts of speech and imagination when ho was wound up. He resented my attendance at the meeting, and, although some of his expressions were quite unparliamentary, he was able to apply fourteen different epithets to me in the course of ten minutes. I was relieved when the farmer left personalities' and got down to business. His main point of attack centred round a subject which lie called bv the mysterious name Deepreeation.' Waving a sheaf of papers before his audience, who were obviously out for a night's fun, he said: "We got £>s6B deepreeation taken from us this year; last year it was £389, and (lie vear before that £4lo—all for deepreeation. The question I want answered is: Where has that money gone ? It's Tammany, that's what it is. One of the directors has been to America, and has fetched it across and planted it at the head office." . . I think I was successful iu convincing the rest of the audience that depreciation was quite a normal charge against the season's operations, but I still have my doubts whether 1 convinced the man who -called that meeting.

SANDY AND " LIQUID RESERVES." On the other hand, I•have been put through searching cross-examinations by dairv-tarmers whose knowledge of figures wouid have done credit to a professional accountant. One night at Orini a farmer questioned me on the working costs of the local cheese factory. In tho dim light he looked the most unkempt man in tile hall, but he had not spoken two minutes before I discovered that a balance sheet or a profit and loss account possessed few mysteries which he was unable to fathom.' When the meeting had dispersed ho apologised for his appearance by stating that his separator had broken down that, evening, and he had perforce to com 6 straight to the hall from the milking-shed. When a neighbour introduced him by name 1 at once recognised him as a well-known commercial man who carries on u largo and successful business in Auckland. In connection with the financial side of dairying, I recollect one night in the school at I'okeno Valley getting a severe gruelling from a supplier who proved to be well conversant with figures, and who at the present time holds a prominent position on one of our local bodies. For an hour and a-half he put in a carefullyprepared series of questions with the object of raking the balance sheet fore and aft, to the immense delight of tho audience. " Just one more question," ho said, and it is imposible to reproduce in cold type the sarcasm which he injected into it. "Toll us something about this reserve fund you have in the balance sheet." "First," I commenced, " we have liquid reserves—" " Ha'e ye got ony in that wee bag ? " camo an eager voice from a compatriot of mine in the back seat. I never got finishing that reply. A COINCIDENCE. Meeting hundreds of dairy-farmers, I found it difficult at times to remember names, but there are three which stand out prominently. I had spent the night at Otahuhn after an exceedingly lively meeting at East Tamaki which, I am told, is still talked about in the district. At tho breakfast table I met a man named Ell. That .afternoon I held a meeting at Maramarua, and a" supplier who took a prominent part at question time was named Heaven. In tho evening we ploughed through the mud and returned half-way to hold a meeting at Maungatawhiri. The gentleman elected to the position of chairman was a highly-esteemed settler named Pope. At the outset of the meeting I mentioned the solemn coincidence, and piously expressed tho hope that it augured Favourably to find a man named Pope presiding half-way between Heaven and Ell! It was risky but no one threw anything. A CONTRAST. These meetings werti the clearinghouse for local troubles, and frequently a farmer would attend with the object of ventilating one particular grievance. Ho could usually be identified in the earlier part of the meeting by his bored expression which changed at question time into a lqok of eagerness, reminding one jof a hound straining at the leash. Too often, however, he found the tables turned, on him by his own carelessness. The subject on which ho desired information had probably been dealt with fully in the address, so that the only effect of his question was to produce a'broad grin on the faces of tho audience. At Hikutaia one night there was an excellent example of the man who had one question which he wished to get answered. I had dealt fully with the new proposals for marketing New Zealand's dairy produce. A glowing picture of the dairy farmer's millennium had been painted (may it come true!), and, after inviting questions, I down. Immediately a supplier was on his feet " I have one question to ask," he said, " and I want a straight answer." " You will get it, sir," I replied, conning over in my mind all the important points connected with the great problem of marketing £20,000,000 worth of dairy produce, in case I had forgotten one. The question came: " Who was responsible for putting down that slab of concrete at our factory that cracked a fortnight afterward ? " "BY SPECIAL APPOINTMENT." Who originated the myth that the farmer is a chronic growler? Frequently .1 was astonished at his cheerfulness under the most adverse conditions. At meetings he was always ready with a little bandinage or friendly criticism, knowing that if he could score a win against the " management," it would be talked about for many days. On one occasion word had been received that the brand of butter in which we were interested had found its way to Buckingham Palaco. At a meeting in Hauraki Plains the audience, for some unexplainable reason, were highly amused by this item, which formed the basis for a series of humorous questions. One man inquired with mock anxiety whether the cablegram conveying this important message indicated if the butter was used in the upper or lower regions of tho Palace. Another man made the hit of the evening by walking up to the table with great solemnity and handing in a written question—an unusual procedure. There was a hush, which changed into unrestrained laughter as the chairman read it out: " Will the management inform us whether the fact that our butter is now used in Buckingham Palace confers upon the company's suppliers tho right to use the royal coat-of-arms on their notepaper 7 " AN ANXIOUS MOMENT. Probably the most anxious moment I had was at the meeting in East Tamaki already referred to. Word had gone round that the fun would be fast and furious, and about 150 local residents turned up. One man at least appeared to enjoy the entertainment, for I heard him comment to his neighbour: "Why go to the pictures when you can get all this for nothing?" The opposition was conducted by one or two able men who gave no quarter whatever. Tho chairman's task was on unenviablo one, and on several occasions the meeting got out of hand. In the course of the meeting I was reminded that certain information had been promised. Picking up my papers with confidence, I was dismayed to find that the particulars were missing. The opposition seized the advantage and maintained that the information was being purposely withheld. I felt almost certain that the paper had been mislaid at one of my meetings, but I made a wild plunge and stated that it must be in my suitcase at Otahuhu. This was received with ironical laughter, and the offer of a supplier to drive me to the hotel in his car was the signal for an outburst of delighted applause. I had no option but to go. At the hotel I had thoughts of surreptitiously examining tfie suitcase, and, if the paper was missing, of sliding down the fireescape to circumvent mv watchful custodian, and make for Auckland and safety. I could not get rid of him, however, and, determining to face it out. I threw my suitcase unexamined into the car. When we returned to the hall my temporary taxi-driver graciously ~ offered to carry the luggage, and walked up to the front of the hall with tho suitcase on his shoulder amid a storm of laughter. This developed into a paroxysm when I openea the suitcase in the front of the audience and extracted—a suit of pyjamas! Underneath, however, was the missing document, and Pecksniff never assumed an air of more virtuous, indignation than j did—but, I trust, with more reason Tn my case—as I waved the paper in front of them. But it was a narrow shave: