THE HEALTH CRANK.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 19346, 5 June 1926, Page 6 (Supplement)

THE HEALTH CRANK.

BY OEIEL.

The health crank is one of tha most v,ooden-headed mortals, for, hammer i|- facts home as hard as you like, it is imjf, possible to convince him that his health || is a matter of small moment to the world ,'i at large. Just one little speck too much |f- meat will put him oil a whole meal; t something slightly underdone or ovcr- ■ (lone will turn him grey with wony; a | pudding that he can't digest, a cup of ft. tea too strong, will make him nearly s distracted. I once overheard the following f \ conversation : |: ' " I see they have put a plate of stawed f apples outside which is intended for my tea," said the health crank". " Very !;■ careless, very dangerous! Supposing that I:' -a fly were to come and settle on it, just think—" s " Yes, but there are no flies in tho ) shade," was the reply. |rf : " Well, but supposing there were ? f>— Just one ily would be sufficient to !. pollute the whole—to spoil my tea." " And, supposing it did' " sf: ! "Supposing? Why, you and I are poles } ! : popart in our opinion of Hies, poles apart. You have no idea what a quantity of l-l fur they have on their legs, and in that ;> fur, millions of microbes, millions, just 11 ■ one of which would be sufficient to spoil my tea." i;t ." I used to eat flies when a child, and I I am still alive," replied tho housewife ; complacently. -"Still alive, did you say? er—" |, I have often wondered since if that man ; ■ ever sees the stars, ever reads a book, s;*' ever realises in the slightest the • ! infinitesimal proportion which tho spoiling ! ; of his tea by one imaginary ily bears to the universe, to the whole scheme of tilings. How little does it matter that t$ such as lie were ever born, let alone that he die by the leg of a fly, wherefore , let him be silent, even ,as ho is perforce fej-i constrained to be when he sits for a t|- good ten minutes sucking a Micrometer to see if breakfast has played any shabby tricks with his temperature! jvif- It would indeed be unfair to write of ] the health crank as if lie belonged to the ! male species alone. The femalo health | crank generally gets the mania very J.,', badly. Wars and rumours of wars are bf to her as nothing; politics, literature, music—all nothing; health, the one abS sorbing topic. 1 have seen her torture j herself by swallowing eggs raw, not to Ii; mention the consumption of numerous tins ;?. of- prepared foods which rightly belong I'■ only to babies and invalids. For tho I•* health crank, maniac, or whatever, you U like to call her, is not an invalid. Far K' from it: she can do anything—when it fjj. pleases her. Absolutely nothing when it doesn't. Her energy is indefatigable over jj'| trifles connected with her • health-; ,lier 1 I. languor, when it suits her, savours of !*& the languor of the east, only it is less I graceful. She is always "so tired," except it ho a matter of fussing over her diet—she is then tireless. Truly an astonishing woman! ■The question remains—what: are we gtiing to do with these cranks, these ■manias for 'whom. the mental hospital ft hfts' no room? Byway of suggestion, how • about a voyage round the world on a .cargo boat with ship biscuits, margarine * and tea the sole articles of diet? Probably oil would return safe and Found ready to demolish anything. One would only ljavejtq charter a steamer and insert an advertisement in' the newspapers — ** Wanted, Health Sufferers of means, to •take al long sea.?voyage for- the benefit of their constitutions. Diet 1 strictly attended to. Cures guaranteed." And within a ■week one would see a full boat bound to prove a paying concern. Tea, biscuits, margarine—instead of health cranks our passengers would step on to the home 'i- quay sensible men and women. Why doesn't some philanthropist charter such a vessel? If there, was any grumbling ,or mutiny aboard the captain couid be permitted to fling them all into the sea and return for another shipment. !' ; But the world awaits that, most excellent ■ I philanthropist and his jollv sea captain, i; r-who will. not . scruple,.;,.to drown his ■passengers in case, pf trouble'!' j