SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXII, Issue 18996, 18 April 1925, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

STANDING UP AND DOWN. J\ bumptious follow was giving evidence in a Police Court. "Vou say you stood up?" asked the magistrate. "I said," retorted the conceited one, "that I stood. If one. one stands one must stand up. There is no other v.ay of standing." "Oh, isn't there?" replied the magistrate. "Pay two pounds for contempt of Court, and—stand down . SAVED IN VAIN. "Woman," said the dejected young man, "is a disappointment and a fraud." "Indeed ?" said his friend. "Yes. I saved up all my tobacco money and lived on porridge for two weeks to take Miss Truelove to the opera and supper. Then I asked her to marry me and she said she was afraid 1 was too extravagant to make,a good husband!" OPTIMISM NECESSARY. The .sewing circle was in full sr.'ing, both vocally and with the needle. The popular .subject ol "husband-* ' ii:id boen quickly reached in the general round of conversation. "I could never live with a pessimist, declared Mrs. (Jadnng, who was noted for her supremacy in her home. "Yes, ho would have to be an optimist," replied meek little Miss Brown. HOW HE WAS SAVED. The captain was relating his adventures. "Just imagine," ho said, "the cannibals had dragged me to the fire and were tying me to n stake, when the chief's wife whispered a few words in his ear and 1 was released." "Ah," breathed a lady of uncertain ago. "She had fallen in love with you." "No. she had mislaid her cook book. Long before it was found I had fled." A DOUBLE OFFENCE. Two Seots were discussing the merits of their now M.P. " Man," said one ol" them, " he's no' a bad chap, the colonel. He sent me an' ma wife a fine turkey." " Dear, dear! " said the other man, who had not voted for the colonel, " that was bribery." " But," went on the recipient, " the bird was a wee bit high, and, as we couldna eat it, we had to throw it awa'." j " Worse and worse," said his friend; " bribery and corruption*." " YOU MUST KNOW ME." •A well-known goalkeeper was surprised one day when a stranger rushed up to him and insisted upon shaking hands. He said there must be a rhistake. "You're Brown, aren't you ?" asked the stranger. "Yes," replied the goalkeeper. "And in the last match, when Jones shot, you tipped the ball over the bar into the crowd?" "Yes." "Then you .must remember me," said the stranger, triumphantly. "I'm the chap that threw the ball back!" SOMEWHAT MIXED. Of two friends staying at a small hotel where most keys fit most doors, one went off to bed, undressed, and turned in, mistaking his friend's room for his own. Half an hour later the friend followed, saw his bed occupied, and returned to the coffee room. "Did vou see me go to my room just now?" he said to the night porter. "Yes. sir," was the reply. "Well, then, why didn't you tell me I'd gone to bed already?" he grunted. THOUGHT HE'D WIN. Two workmen were boasting o/ the steadiness with which they could carry a hod up a ladder. The discussion ended in a wager being made bv one that the other could not carry him in his hod up a ladder to the top of the building on which they were employed. The disbeliever placed himself in the hod, iind his comrade, after a great deal of exertion, succeeded in talcing him up and bringing him down safely. Without any realisation of the danger he had escaped, the man who had been carried paid the money, adding: "Well, I have certainly lost, hut about the third storey you made a slip—then I was in hopes!" THE FARMER'S TASK. A farmer, standing beside an obstinate mule, stopped a passing doctor and asked him whether ho could do anything to make the animal go. The doctor thought for a moment. Then, reaching into his bag, he produced n powder, and, with the farmer's assistance, gave it to the mule. No sooner had this been accomplished than the , mule bolted off up the road at a mad gallop. " Heavens," exclaimed the farmer, " that's the stuff, doctor. How much docs it cost?" "That dose is worth sixpence." " Then you'd better give me a bob's worth," said the farmer. " I've" got to catch that mule." ON THE BOTTOM RUNG. The young man arrived home from the office earlier than usual. He sat down in his customary languid manner, and pulled up his trousers in order to display his fancy socks to full advantage. Ho extracted the edge, of each cuff from his coat, and adjusted the strap of his wristwatch. " Young man," said his father, "you take life too easily. You seem to be relying on some stroke of good fortune ? " " I am," replied the young man. glo.omily. " But you must fight for it," went on his father. " Why did all the famous men of the day succeed ? It was push, just push." " Then," sighed the other, " perhaps I'm on the right track at last, I got it this morning! " A SIOK FRIEND. Dobson stayed out much later at night than his wife liked, and as he would never tell her where he had been, she got their little boy to ask him. One morning at breakfast the youngster said: " Dad, where were you lost night ?" " Never yon mind where I was," answered the father. "But," insisted the. boy, "where were you?" " Well, if you must know. 1 was sitting up with a sick friend." "Did your sick friend die?" "What an absurd question! Of course lie didn't die." "Oh. but did you hold your sick friend's hand " So," answered tin; father. "Of course, 1 didn't." And then ho added, with a far-away look in his eyes. " I wish to goodness I had. Ho held four aces." IT WASN'T EFFECTIVE. Hie t:.linear conductor had had a good deal of trouble getting the old lady into the car. But at last his struggles were successful. "Oh, dear," she wbeezed, as she settled herself in her seat. "It's all this dreadful rheumatism. As I used to say to my dear husband, I'm a perfect martyr to it." Instantly a benevolent-looking old gentleman in a corner was all sympathy. "Did you ever try electricity, madam ? he said, kindly. "I used to be a great sufferer from rheumatism, but in the course, of a short time it completely cured me." "Electricity, indeed!" snorted the old lady. "A lo't of good that is. I should think I have tried it. Why, I was struck by lightning only a year ago, and it didn't do me a bit of good!"