ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXII, Issue 18949, 21 February 1925, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Rodney: "What kind of cake do you prefer?" Edna: "Wedding." Joe: "Does he drink to excess?" Jan: "No; he isn't popular enough." He: "I have an idea." She: ".Loci: after it. It's in a strange place." He: "Do you like Kipling?" She: "I don't know." How do you kipplc'!" Teacher: "What is an oyster?" Johnnie: "An oyster is a fish built like a nut, miss." Fred : "But you told me last week you loved me!" Mabel: "Oh, was it you I told that to?" Green: "How can one tell if a girl is intelligent?" Brown: "If she likes you, she's intelligent." Madge: "Did you get any duplicate Christmas" presents ?" Marjorie: "Only under the mistletoe." "Most people are not what they used to lie." "How's that ? What used they to be?" "Children." Photographer: "I Mill make a speaking likeness of your wife." Mr. Henpcck; "Just a likeness, please." He: "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing." She (caustically) : "Well, at least you know that much." He: "But you must know me—Montmorency of the Guards." She: "I think not—l seldom use the railway!" He: "Money doesn't insure happiness." She: "Very tru?. But the lack of it insures a great deal of discomfort." Thompson: "Suppose a man should call you a fool, what would you do ?" Jones "(hesitatingly): "What sized man?" Employment Agent: "What can I do for you. madam?" Mistress: "I d like a small, plain cook, kitchenette size." He: "I met her and she made a fool out of me." She: "Impossible! You cant complete something already finished." Mrs. X.: "Don't you wish we could be neighbours to each ether?" Mrs. Y.; "Oh, it's so much nicer to be frieuds." "Miss Helen has lovely hair!" "She gets it from her father!" "But he is bald!" "Yes. But he's a hairdresser!" Telephone Subscriber: "I say! You gave me the right number! And the first time I asked for it!" Operator (from force of habit) : "Sorry." Thynne: "Jack's standard for measuring people is like his cigars." Flynne: "How's that?" "One kind for himself and another for his friends." The Lady: "I'm very sorry to hear your wife is so'ill. Tom. It's too bad. Not dangerous, I hope." Old Tom: "Thankee, miss. But she be too weak now to b» dangerous." "Before giving you a final answer," she said with a becoming blush, "I shail refer you to papa." "But I am perfectly willing to take you without any reference," he said. Friend: "You barely missed running over that man. If be liadn t jumped ' Fair Motorist: "Oh, right. It was my husband, and the doctor said he needed exercise." "This "ere cigarette card collectin' may be a nuisance. Mrs. Brown," said Mrs, Smith, "but I must say it's cured our Tommy of "is nervousness. Why 'c'll speak to anybody now!" "So the magistrate proposed to her last night?" "Yes, and made a mess of it, too." "What do you mean?" "Why, when she asked for time to consider his proposal he gave her fourteen days!". Proud 0 d Lady (whose daughter has just sung a song) : "You know, Mr. Smith, my daughter has had her voice trained. ' Miv Smith (somewhat deaf) : "Yes, badly strained, I should imagine." "My dear, the doctor says a brisk walk before! going to bed will cure my insomnia." "Well," returned his wife, ''"I'll clear the room so that you can walk, and you may as v. r ell fake the baby with you." Two charwomen were discussing the distressing baldness of the sou of the house. "They say 'is farther went borld. too, just about 'is age," remarked one. "Yes," said the other; "it's wot they call airvdittv." Guard: "Better keep your head inside the window." Passenger: "l ean lookout of the window it I want to. ' "1 know you can. But, if you damage any of the ironwork of the bridges you'll have to pay for it." Tailor: "Married or single?" Customer: "Married." Tailor (to cutter): "One pocket concealed in lining or vest. Customer: "Eh? What's that?" <<r lo hide your change, you know, at night. I'm married myself." "So you lent Harbinger the money, did you ?" * "Yes."' "What did he say ?" "He promised to pay with alacrity." "He did, eh ? Well, let' me tell you this: It there's one thing that's scarcer with him -than money, it's alacrity." Suitor: "I hope my proposal for the hand of your daughter Lasn't taken you liy ,surprise, sir?" Her Father: "Well, to tell you the truth, it has. You've been so jolly slow in getting round to_ it I thought it wasn't coming off at all." "How provoking that the baby should fall asleep just when we want to take his picture. What shall we do?" Husband: "Put him in the dark-room a few minutes. He'll think it's bed-time and there's no danger of his sleeping then." "The last speaker," said the chairman of the Heaith Congress, "is a striking example of the efficacy of the doctrines he so eloquently advocates. Hale and hearty at 80 years of age, he could tire cut many a man younger than himself." A voice from the audience: "He did." i The wife (waking her husband up m the middle of the night to tell him that she had heard burglars moving about) : I "You'd better go down, William!" Wilj liam: "Good gracious! What a low opinion you must have of me! I'm not in the habit oi associating with ourglars. A young man, anxious to have a day's hunting, asked a friend to provide him with a mount. "You know," he said. "I've never hunted. In fact, I've never ridden a horse." "Then I've got just the animal you want," said his friend. "He's never been ridden before, so you can make a start together." "I enjoyed myself at your house last night!" "I'm glad to hear that." "What a fine, handsome woman your wife is!" "Yes, she is." "I wonder you're not jealous of her." "Well, to tell you the truth, I am jealous, but I never invite to my house any man a sensible woman could' take a fancy to." A new gallows and drop pit had been constructed at a country prison, but it. was some time before tho busy Governor could get away to inspect it. When he did so. he asked the head gaoler if there had been any difficulty in expeditiously carrying out the death sentences. Tho gaoler replied that ho thought not. "We have aerer had *py complaints, sir," he