IN LONDON.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXI, Issue 18897, 20 December 1924, Page 21 (Supplement)

IN LONDON.

PAMPERED COLONIALS.

BY SQUARE TEG.

Jack and I are in London. For the first (and methinks the last) time in our lives we are important individuals. Never again shall we describe ourselves as colo nials; from henceforth we desire to bo known as "overseas visitors," for as such we are being thoroughly pampered. When we once more retirft, to the seclusion of "the most progressive town in the. Do minion," we shall no doubt be truly objectionable, but in the meantime we in tend to make the most of our transient grandeur.

We had always been given to understand by our simple pioneer parents thai it was quite impossible for colonial no bodies to get their noses over the doorsteps of the historic mansions in England. But nowadays " nous avons change cela." The present London sea son has been one long round of receptions to "overseas visitors," not ordinary colo nials, mark you!

Our humble dressing-table has been littered with invitations from rich and titled personages. The first time we encountered a "card" from a countess ''to have the honour of meeting a princess," Jack hurriedly remembered an important engagement at the other end of London, but politely opined that I should doubtless be a great success in regal circles. I started off bravely, expecting to he modestly lost in a crowd of fashionable people, but when, to my horror. I found myself "alone, all, all alone, in a wide- wide sea" of red carpet, and faced by an 'in passive and haughty footman, I turned tail and fled.

On the occasion of the next ducal entertainment Jack was eloquently - firm about the pressing necessity for seeing a man about a car or a horse, but, having invested in an "exclusive model'' on a silk foundation, I had to show what 1 was made of. I started as late as pos sible, and lost my way as often as I could, but still arrived before the party dis perserJ. Having achieved the meekest possible entrance into a palatial room, 1 crouched abjectly in a corner; but when an elegant being with "spats" of virgin white offered me tea and conversation, I struck out boldly and enjoyed myself hugely. Jack has now decided to accompany me in future; he disapproves of spats; they are not worn by the "pro gressive dairy farmer." I must sorrowfully admit that Jack and I are not intelligent sight-seers. We hav* no real system, such as the American tourists all have. We dash wildly from one entrancing spot to another; we staytoo long at every place wo visit, and finally tear ourselves away, making up our minds to "come another day." ' Which, of course, we never do. Moreover, every day increases our knowledge of our ignorance of London. Sight-seeing is unfortunately a most humiliating pastime. It exhausts one physically and depresses one mentally. As long as I stay in my our familiar bush I am not abnormally worried by my want of knowledge of the universe and all that therein is, but when I move abroad my appalling ignorance of the planet in which I momentarily sojourn damps my spirits considerably. Consequently, during our first week in London, I gazed with awe at the wonderful beings we passed every day, who must, I felt sure, be steeped in historical and geographical and every other kind of lore. But I am beginning to suspect that the average Londoner is not omniscient. Can it be that he knows no more than the normal inhabitant of any other town? Have we been to Wembley yet? Certainly, we have— times. Unfortunately, we do not "wemble" successfully. Jack professes himself unable to see the exhibits for the exhibition, and I don't notice the exhibition on account of the exhibits. Jack's impression is of acres of engines and linoleums, while mine is of square miles of apples and butter. . We have " done " a dozen or more theatres. We found each one superlatively good; but Jack complains that, ■ though he has seen half-adozen first-class actors, he has not come across one really "topping actress." He asks pathetically what is to be done about it. As a wife, who is "middlewho has passed her first youth," I recommend a go-slow policy in the matter.

Best of all our excursions, we have visited Hampton Court, the show palace of the colonial's dreams. Moreover, wo have spent several days on what is surely the "most beautiful river in the world," and as wo paddled lazily past the dreamlike homes and fairy lawns by the side of the "little old stream," Jack said: "They can 'ave Wembley," and once for all time I know where I want to end my days. But, of course. I don't encourage that spirit in myself or my spouse. Perish the thought! Are we not " overseas visitors," to see the "greatest exhibition the world has ever seen," etc., etc. ? So once more into the tube!