LOCAL GOSSIP.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXI, Issue 18861, 8 November 1924, Page 1 (Supplement)

LOCAL GOSSIP.

BY MEECtmo.

Lord Jellicoe's farewell visit to Auckland has once again demonstrated the 6trange disability under which Aucklanders, and in fact New Zealanders, suffer. They cannot cheer. It is not that they do not know how to, but something seems to hold them back. It was the same with the New Zealand Division in France. The soldiers were not good at cheering, they seldom sung on the march, and became known as the "silent division." When tho Hood visited Wellington and Auckland the same strangulation of the throat muscles was noted. It may bo that we ars influenced by the dearth of native song-birds in New Zealand. But with sunny skies and a beautiful countryside surely New Zealand birds and men

should be bursting with song. Our taci-

turnity may be explained by the fact that we aro more self-conscious than our cousins in Britain, who are themselves more self-conscious and less demonstrative than most Continental peoples. We are afraid to let ourselves go lest we make fools of ourselves. We are uncomfortably full of excitement and emotion on many public occasions, but do not allow ourselves the vocal outlet that would do us and make us feel good. The fact is probably that the country is still in the gawky,*self-conscious " teens " and when it grows up New Zealanders will grow out of "their shyness.

"When he goes off on a holiday, a clergyman should not bo encouraged to leave home without his wife and children." So declared a clerical member of the Diocesan Synod, and the Synod roared with laughter. Well, who encourages him ? Sis wife, his children ? If thej do not want his company, he certainly should not be obliged to have theirs. Per haps syriodsmen knew something about somebody, but tho joke, whatever it was. was not on the speaker, unless he could be accused of encouraging himself.

-' Mr. Massey seems determined to remain a popular hero. A young man who had got a button into his lung was sent b> the Government to Philadelphia, and there underwent a successful operation foi its removal—the button's, not the lung's Now Mr. Massey says that he will faci litate arrangements for the performance of this operation in New Zealand. Hurrah for Mr. Massey! Wo may swallow buttons with impunity. If we do it before Mr. Massey's Dominion scheme for our relief is complete, we shall sing cheerfully, with a vigour dependent on the location and size of the swallowed button, "I'm Off to Philadelphia in the Morning." If afterwards, we shall have still less to worry about, .Thousands of anxious parents, knowing childhood's _ ineradicable liking for buttons, will be grateful for the lifting of a heavy load. Sir. Massey's maintenance of office is „ assured, and the result of the next election is quite certain.

Our new Governor, like Lord Jellicoe, has the saving grace of humour. Sir James O'Grady, bound for Tasmania, is evidently jocularly inclined, too, on occasion, as becomes an Irishman. This gift will make them both very welcome "down under." We have enough to make us serious, but a laugh between whiles is worth much. "A merry heart goes all the. way." It will go a long way to make this Dominion take to Sir Charles Fergusson. Through our tears at Lord Jellicoe's departure it is good to get a glimpse of his successor's smile.

_ Mr. Harris seems to have carried consistency too far. As the defender of North Shore residents, ho has opposed the Quay Street railway upon over.y occa- _ .i)on, and_ only when confronted bv the fact that"it would be built in spite of him did lie make a virtue of necessity by dictating safeguards of the pedestrian public. Unfortunately, the plan accepted after a wrangling debate in the House was a clumsy thing, and on the following day a conference of all tho local authorities concerned adopted an effective and comprehensive scheme. Their proposals were communicated to the Government for endorsement by legislation, but Mr. Harris strenuously protested. He professed to be ignorant of the agreement: evidently ha had not read the newspaper reports, which was a pity, for there was a pretty compliment to the honourable member in the conference's closing resolution. In the event, the clause was dropped, and so far as Parliament is concerned the railway is to be constructed without any right by other people to impose restrictions on its use. What will Mr. Harris say to tho North Shore pconie when they demand an explanation of his petulance ?

Five calves, tho pick of the season, licked up some paint scrapings in a paddock at Tauranga and died. It is strange how it is always the very best animals that do these foolish things. Tho same fate befel a valuable cow, not a mere cow, but a valuable one. It is but another illustration of the old Latin tag: "De mortuis nihil nisi bonum." The saying has -even greater force when applied by the owner to the dog killed by a motor-car. He was a useless brute prior to his death, a poor thing scarcely worth his keep, but the magic touch of a motor has mado of his lifeless carcase a thing of great price. It used to be said that the woman always pays, but now it is the motorist.

Of course there are pedestrians who will not agree that the motorist always pays. They are inclined to think of him ns the giant nine-pin player with confused bipeds to bowl at. These people will bo pleased to hear that an irate pedestrian, albeit a quadruped, "put the wind up" a couple of lordly motorists the other day. A bull was the hero, aqpt gave the first motorist a bad fright. The of a heavy motor-lorry, which followed, was prepared to back his weight against that of tho bull. He also came off second best. The example is not one "to be followed by mere men, but some of us often wish we were a bull or a tani; or something solid just to put up some sort of claim to tho right to cross a road without having to take to our heels.

That paragraph about the good fishing to be enjoyed at Taupo contained a remarkable statement as it got past the printer.' The enthusiastic angler is made to say that he "landed a wtlvepounded, and got several ten-pounders and nine-pounders." It is left somewhat to the imagination to decide what that best fish weighed. The disciples of Izaak Walton are notable for an impediment in their speech; they have difficulty in pronouncing tho names of numbers from eight down. But this particular stutter 'what does it betoken ? A sudden hitch in the mind as to what figure to give ? A teeth-rattling fear that the narrator would not be believed ? A sharp twingo of conscience as the weight of the fish was on the tip of the tongue ? Oh, but he "sent word," and that probably means that he did not trust anybody to repeat his oral statement, but wrote his fish story. That does not help matters in the least. Either ho wrote that as it stands, or the printer was so sceptical and conscientious that he blurred the statement. Now, what did that fish weigh ? Guesses will be received, but no fisherman will bo eligible to compete.

A young man, matrimonially inolinei', advertises his desire to correspond with a "young lady" aged 31 to 32 It is respectfully submitted to tho yonng man that he really should know moro of tho fair sex before he launches out with one in the frail bark of matrimony. To hecni with, he will never find a young lady oi the required age. It is a well-known lnH that there are none. No woman has ve* been discovered between the ages 24 and CO. If the young man is really in earnest, best tip is to advertiso for his heart's desire, aged about 24 years. Hp »ul find that their number ia legion.