CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXI, Issue 18771, 26 July 1924, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

■ > ' ...■-..■■. - . . SHOIRT STOMES. THE WELL KEAID MAN. A man who pretended to be"-.wonder-. folly well read was put to the test by ■smie irieiiids. •'/ '~0.:■.".- . .„,..: " Have , you, read Thackeray a Penden'nisfv ■'.' ".Sure.".' ' ' "Have von .read Dickens' Pickwick ?" . ."Sure.-"'- ■ "Have von read Scott's Emulsion.?" " Sure." _ ASKED TO CALL AGAIN. Snobb: "I called on the Munmswells | to-day. Stylish people; house splendidly ] furnished; received me very graciously, and asked me to call again." Gnnn: ; "Always heard they were very exclusive. How did they entertain you?" Snob- "Oh, I didn't stay. Only called with a bill for groceries. But I thought it was very kind of Mrs. Muriniswell to ask rue to call again." '•■ - A SIMPLE QUESTION. Yoting Alexander, looking up from a — newspaper: what does 'conmean?" Alexander's Mamma: "i am surprised at you; yon ought to know better than to ask such a simple question. It means to burn." Alexander: "Well, this paper says hero that the people in London taurned nearly five million pounds of ice last summer. What did they want to do that for, mamma?" TRAMP'S,AETPUL WAY. Haymow Harry (the tramp): "Madam, do you keep a French cook?" Housewife (sharply): "No; why do you ask?" "I meant no offence, ma'am; but the odour of the food that comes from the kitchen is so appetising that I felt you must have a superior cook on your premises." ." . Housewife: "ISo, sir. Ido all my own cooking. If you %vill step in you can sample some of it. .-,,... OLD LADY ON A LINEE. A dear old lady was spending a holiday at' Southampton, and,- with some friends, was being shown over one of the big transatlantic liners just before its departure. . "Who aro all those people down there ?".''" she inquired of the captain. "That's the steerage, madam,;;' he replied. "Dear me," she exclaimed in astonishment, "and does it really .take all those people to make the boat go ■ straight?" \ - ■ ' BAIT FOR DOG THIEV2S. •'.' Mr. Brown came home the other evening with a neat brown-paper parcel. 'Its a new collar for that dog of Dick's, he explained. Mrs. Brown unwrapped it ..arid — gavea; little cry of astonishment. - Its too good for that dog," she told him. " Yes£ he said. "I gave half a guinea " Half a guinea ? What on earth for ? You've always said that you loathe that dog, and that "you wished someone would steal it." "Yes. that's hist- it," Mr. Brown agreed. ■•■ With that collar on someone is sure to think the brute;:, is -worth stealing." DEAD-HEAD GETS A PASS. The dead-head is not extinct; at least, he is not extinct; at Grumpville, where a fit-up'company was giving " She Stoops to Conquer." A resourceful many ;wishing to see the show, approached the boxoffice keeper. '■'" Pass me in, pleasißj" ho , said. —"■•■» The man in the box office gave a loud, harsh laugh. " Pass you in—what for V he'asked. The applicant drew himself up, and answered, haughtily: . " Wat for ? Because I am Oliver Goldsmith, the author of the play." "Oh, I beg yomvpardon, sir," replied the other, and hurriedly wrote out an order for a box. • - ; PLENTY OP OTHEE WAYS. ' ' Algy Montmorency' deciderd to thave some boxing lessons. Haying found an instructor, he began his lessons in thejaoble; art He had ai wohderfril belief 'in'his own pothers of learing, and after the third lesson began to .think ;that boxing was a very much over-rated accomplishment. It was too easy. He therefore began to hit out, but soon found .himself on his back on the floor. - "I say,'t; say!'- he said;" it's riot necessary to knock me down like that, , is it?" "Bless you,l; no, gnv'nbr" answered the bull-headed professor. [ "Up thajuinps, and I'll show tha thirteen other ways." .; : > '> KES. JONES GETS A BAEGAIN. Nothing; gave; Mrs. Jones greater pleasnre than to think «he had secured a barpain. She came home from a sale one dav and displayed her purchases, one beimr a brass plate with: the name " Smith "on it. ■• What on earth did vob buy that for ?" said her husband j when "~* he saw it. ' ; - - • - ' "Well, it was so chea«" said Mrs. Jones. " I only gave a shillinjr for itj and ; I'm sure it must have cost two or ■ three guineas." "But why, waste a shilling?" - "Oh," she said, airily, "you never know how things will come-in. For instance, you might die and I might marry a man named Smith." SOMETHING ABOUT EAPFLES* i The landlord of the village inn had a weakness for running raffles.; Bill, the local shoemaker,, had participated in all 6i> : them,' but always discovered that tha prize had been won by some member oi the landlord's family. .. ; "' One morning * Bill walked in;ah<i-tbe landlord produced another 'bunch : oi tickets. "Hero you .are, Bill 1"' he exclaimed; "Only a shilling a ticket, and the prize is a handsome violin.!,'' " That's funny," > commented Bill. " What s funny ?" inquired' the' landlord, suspiciously. "Why," said Bill.; "I didn't know that anyone in your (family could play one. What will you do with it ?"\ THE WAYS OP SOCIETY* Mrs^ : Suburb lost no chance of showing her neighbours that she was "a real lady." Recently some new people bad moved 'mtc the neighbourhood', and Mrs, Suburb wa_ discussing them with her daughter.' "Well, Mary," she said,' "I suppose we shall have to call on those people. Just take your scissors and cut some sort of a thry hole in oho .of ': our: visiting cards, wil : you?" .■."■•■■■' ■-. " " Whatever for, mother ?" : asked Mary. " What will that mean ?" "It doesh'. mean anything that I know of," repJied mother, "but they'll think it does anc feel rather small to ii nd out that they don't know as-much; about society ways as-wed 0.".-' ; A' r .;.V '>■■■[ SHE. DIDN'T CALL AGAIN. Mrs. Bronson had suddenly tremely friendly: with all'her neighbours. There were two reasons for this state oi things; She found going; out to nieah savOT washing-up, and this was : a coii sideration when she- had just lost hei maid. She also thought; she might poa sibly come across another girl during hei visits! ' "' ' ' "I do wish I could get- a good maid, she said,while she was having t«a wit! ah; acquaintance who lived naxtl door bul one. Why," replied the hostess; y'-'per- "•■. haps Mary would da" ...". '": : -.. *'\ '■ -'■■ VMary?" asked the other, irii delight " Is. she jgoing to leave you ?*" -Si Yes,'; '■■■ -said,;the liostesfs,..with, a smile;, 11 ; ? " Shi says she wants, to go somewhere wher« there is riot so riioch silver oieaQ." ;y :

••---. \ . ;-.J ODDS 'Am ENDS. '..■;.' ; ' • ,''.' ;.—>''—~——•;.- .■';.■'-: 4; Magistrate: " Ten days or forty shiil- ' l ' ings. Chooso quickly. *•"* .Prisoner: " I'll take my time.''"' Forrester: " Yon live in a quiet part 0$ - the town, do you not?" Lancaster: "Not now." "Moved?" "No. Got twins'" " Of course, I know marrisge is a grave step." " Step? My dear lad, it's more '', !iko a flight of steps, and every one of *em greased! ' Doctor: "I've come to tell you, sir. that you are the father of twins." Father: "WcU, doctor, I make it a rule to believe only half of what I hear." ■ When a little Swedish girl saw the stars shining tor the first timo she exclaimed:: "If Ibe wrong side oi heaven is so beautiful, ; what must the right side be like-" , Mrs. Eve: "Does your husband remember the anniversary "oi your marriage?" Mrs. Wye: "Never; so I remind him of it in January and June a;ad get two presents." - The Conversationalist, (to well-kaown author): "I'm so delighted to meet you. It was - only. ~ the* other day I »w something of yours, about something or othsrj. in some magazine. "'V ".So you lei' your husband carry ! ■■.»' latch-key ?** "Oh,' just 'to humour 'him. He likes io show it to his friends to let them see how independent ho is—but it doesn't fit the door!" "Two Northerners, man and wife, had visited a West End theatre. "Why give the cloak-room attendant balf-a-crowri tip,, John? Are you mad?" "No, dear. , Look at the fine coat he's given me." Wife: "I really must have some new clothes. I'm sure the entire neighbourhood knows my wardrobe''.by heart." 1 Husband: "But -it wonld be cheaper to move to a new neighbourhood, wouldn't' it?'.' r -.' " • . : : v "Birds nesting Btrictly prohibited," read the notice which caught little Emily's eye. "What a shame!" she exclaimed in-" . dignantly. "Fancy not letting the poor Httle birds build their nests. ; where thev v j like!" "■ :;.v"-':;■;.'. '■;,././ ; . ; * ' "And how. my dear Sherlock, did you discovor that the culprit resided in an apartment?" "Easily," responded the.'■ ' great 'man, yawning. /'Upon examining :' . the footprints, I saw that ho was flatI footed."- .■■- O". :'.'■>•..■ \ -' : .\ '-■■."■,,:.!:. Tom Noddyt/'That Wottle girl's looking as old as her mother," Mrs. Wottle: "Did I hear -my name mentioned." - "" Tom Noddy: "Yes, I was just sayirtg that you looked as. young, as your ■- daughter.":':. . ':< '.''■-. »■ "You may refuse roe now," said the, 1 oersistent suitor, i: ''but I ;*an wait. All ",%■ > things come "to binir who : -waits!" "Yes," r 'l • replied the dear girl; "and : I think the <p. * first thing will be father. I hear him on .; ',' ; :.;, ■ the stairs." -H'"'' 1 j Wheh children quarrelled in the 'old . • days it used te be "Ydu shan't'play iin ~ • my yard"---witness the comic song of "the '■?' 1 period. The modern version (authentic) i is—"All right,' then. You shail't amie ;K and listen-in." ' Mr. Hardfax:, "It yon don*f. think two can live - as 'cheaply as onef let's try ifc" : ,.-. Miss Xvfanchaser :"0&r : this /> ' Mr. Hsrdfax: "You name -one iwoman apd e: j I'll :t\vo men -and lay you two-to' bne'.piS''fche ;s^eh,'^ r! - r,^* 1 " ; ■^'v^~v.*" : -,:■■*' _~- ■■. I'. A preaching on Sunday morning, " ?aid:" If I had anything to do with any intoxicating drinks; I should have them all : »; thrown into thei-'nyi&n"'.: yAt'"the end of the ; Sermon he gave out tho hymn; shall w0,,; \ gather at the river ?" '■■> r ':■ "'George put'/;■& three whole months- '..;/■'■' '„ worrying over which of two girls he wonldy choose for: his wifa" " Well what /was : the result ?">•" was ready. to , ',:•;:"■',, propose he discovered that - neither of them' would have him." - , ' 3 The grammar lesson proceeded smoothly ".': enough: until the teacher asked % a'■•.smalt'' > 5 boy what kind of a noun "troupjrs" was. - j "Tt's &n uncommon übiin," Was the reply, '■■•■ ':■''■ , "because' it's ysirigulaf* at:vthe top, and , plural at tha bottom.'' -~' _ ■"Darlingjjdo. that it is^A V hours .since »we became /engaged ?" v "Twenty-fdur; hours}: i,St> it.is, Bweety heart." '•;vyYesy;^'- : .^TraV'a'iß9.\y<i | o asked ' ■• me to be your own little wife.* ? ; "Dar- '.'.-''.. , » ling,; and It seems Only yesterday!" : -; : ., * "Tta .hoping for somethiing tb /turn up;" 1 he!said, v , - '■' :■ ■.•■• '■'■'■ : As he entered her. house.to propose; ;. : : , And sifcarca had he her; at?;.'.offer to. ■ .'-. : ; wfjd :■■''■ ' . "...y , * .::/' '■ :.yy Than she spitefully turned -np her nose. '- \.;Th« Bch-solmaster : was: .exceedingly. * angry. "So you confess that this fortunate boy was carried to the pond 5 arid drenched. .Now, what parti did vou : / ° take in this disgraceful; "The _ leg, sir," answered the, delinquent, .' meekly.:'' ■'.-'.^ ; ' : -'. ■/■:■'.■ ■ A Scots boy in an English; school, when , '» his class .was "asked where Shakespeare f r ; r was yborn, replied, "In Scotland, sir." *': '-What makes yojii say Shakespeare: was ;" y 1 born in Scotland ?y* said the schoolmaster. • "Because of his abcelityy sir," was the " : answer. ~', ' '', - ( t : '"I don't like my-ijew gown-very well,'*!,!, said a young ladv in; Regent Street. "The? "'■- material is awfully .j&retty, and the style y a is all right, but it] heeds- something to '% e improve tho shape of it" "Why," sug- .'■;'■■. 1 gested her dearest friend, "don't you let : ', some other girl wear-it?" - U > A young woman went to the ,bank andasked for a new cheque "b->ofc. "'l've' lost' : ■'.'■■ » the one ybu gave m'e yesterday," she > J- said. ':';.:■ *'Bnt it. doesn't "matter,: I took j the precaution of signing all the cheques as soon as I gofvit—- of courseyit won't.; • 8 be 'of-use to anyone .else.? '• ~ "' - l + " t^th^an injuredj *■. lair): '*Ybu told me before we were mar-'- ; * ried that-you were',tke highest salaried clerk in the factory." ;Mr. tCountershop {equally injured): "So I am. I'm t\i|b ; inches, ■ and a half taller ''■- than any other salaried clerk in the; establishment." : ' n "Talking of, .remarked tlife-,; 0 man in, the corner seat of the' third- <■■■■'§, . class smoker, "I know 'a" teller as 'asn't 1 -spent a 'a'p'ny in five years." . "Non- ? , ■j I sense!" commented tk'":Kßiiyin ;"the','."-.-:, ;: ~. opposite corner. "What're yer gettin' at?": "It's a fact,"; said the first man;; V "but he'll be out next weak." -';•--. The cyclist's hat b!e\y off.;and a pass-. ','. ing countryman restored it to him, thus ! saving him the trouble of getting off his ? p .-,] j machine. "I ■'-weajly ;must. .get some jf ■ stwing to keep this unruly hat on," mut- ?. tered the cvdistj as he wheeled off withs out a word of thanks. The countryman • had a better suggestion, . "Get a, nail, .> guv'nor!" he shouted. ' A certain cotmtry te\vnV-,nas a league yy : r for ,tl>ey elimination of the; middleman.;- -a i ~: '•: Recentlj} a (member fell: .ill and ;senfc: for ! : :j . if the undertaker. That, craftsman came at ;s; once, but, on entering the sickroom arid i- obserying' the 'patientv he said, | f Whyj\ . t many yourdon't want me. y.Ybu need a j- doctor."- ;"No, I don'fc," said the. sijjk it man faintly. "No middleman." ".-' ..^ : :.3tfr..-,;ji!t<#ste:" : ! /^i'ajf--."*' '...ij.;.: h enough supper for all .these people, : .1 on earth':are we to do?"; Mrs. ; ;, :- -:"I'll'-'get : '<xiA.ioi- soirieT^''<»f ; y'themi---dj»arv'^'.-^V'y' ; : ,Mr. -Hostei (ten minutes later) :■ "You're : w a trump, Marie! How did you manage , " to get so many to go?" Mrs,, Hoste: .e "I lust whispeired to them that ybu had y e consented to give one of your long recita- y . tions." -' i. '. \X ' : '- -''-,;:'-: J <'M ..■:.. .'. ".' ■ : ■■•. Mitm. ;■