SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXI, Issue 18705, 10 May 1924, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

THE POOR RICH MAN. Profiteer: " Ah, my boy, a rich man's position is a hard one." Sceptical Friend: "In what way ?" Profiteer: "If I hoard my wealth they say I'm a skinflint, and if I give my money away they say I am trying to ease my guilty conscience." ON THE SAFE SIDE. " Then I'm to tell the firm," the bill collector said, making a memorandum in his book, " that you'll probably settle the account next week ?" " Well, I'd hardly put it like that," answered the other hesitatingly. " ' Probably ' is a pretty strong word. Better make it 'possibly.'" NOT BEFORE TIME. " Father," said the dutiful and blushing daughter, " what shall I say to Captain Robinson if he insists on pressing his suit ?" " Say?" said the Colonel. "Why, tell him, with my compliments, that I think it's about time he did. I never saw a soldier with such baggy trousers in my life!" ■THE WRONG NAME. Husband (whose wife has sent him to buy a plump cock pheasant) : " And one .not too large, yet with plenty of meat (on it, the flesh firm without being stringy, andand it must have good plumage, as •'my wife wants to use the feathers!" Poulterer: " That ain't a pheasant ye're talkin' about, mister. What you really want is a bird of paradise!" SOME OF HER BEST FRIENDS. Marjorie, aged six, shocked heir mother ; by picking up the saucer , in which she had had her strawberries and cream and licking it vigorously with her little pink tongue. -v "Why, Marjorie!" reproved her mother. ; " What disgraceful manners! Whom have you ever seen doing that ?" " Dogs," said Marjorie curtly. : ."SHAKE THE BOTTLE." A man had engaged a new Irish butler, and at the end of dinner he was amazed to see the man shaking the port decanter vigorously. ;. , "Good heavfens!" he shouted irately, " don't shake the wine like that." "I'm sorry, sor," apologised the but-, ler, " but I heard ye say to 'er ladyship that ye only took the ould port as a medicine." WHERE IS FLORENCE? An old coloured woman came up to the ticket window at a big railway station and addressed the agent, "I wants a ticket fo.' Florence," she said. The ticket agent spent some minutes turning over railway guides, apparently with no success, and then asked :— ." Where is Florence?" ." Settin' over dar on de bench," replied the coloured woman. , ■ , WHY HE CHANGED. American Soldier: "So you are in the aviation corps. -I thought you enlisted in the cavalry?" Gentleman of Colour: "Ah 'ave changed." . ' American Soldier: " What was the reason ?" ... • Gentleman of Colour: " Wal, suh, foh one thing an airplane, after it throws yo' - out, very seldom walks over ah' bites yo'." Y ; PASS ON, PLEASE. A lady stood , patiently > before the re-ceiving-teller's window in a bank, the other day, but no one took any notice of her, till she attracted the attention of the money-taker by tapping with her parasol on the glass. . • -r ' " Why don't you pay attention to me?" .. she asked petulantly. -■ , :; , • , . " I'm sorry, ma'am but we don't pay anything here. Next window, ■please/' was the polite response. A CANNY STORY. ' Can 1 I see the lady of ■ the house?" asked the canvasser. .. • " Yes, you can." ■ ',- . " Well, . madamj I am selling .a can opener which cannot be beaten. It opens any can . that : can. be opened by a can opener, and any can can be opened by this can opener; that can ,be opened by any can opener. If you can show me a can . I can—" * ,* But the door had shut/ and' he 1 could not. - .;. ' : - >> " _ FROM MOUSE TO " MOOSE." A Scotsman who had been in America about two months went to a movie show with a friend. In the news reel were views from the wilds of Maine, one of which was a close-up of a moose. ' Turning to his friend, the Q Scotsman skid: " I dinna, ken » ! wha yon beastie is." His ' friend ; explained that it was an American moose. : J " , ■;; " A moose ?" • queried •> the f Scotsman, surprisedly. " Aweel, I dinna want to meet an American rat, then - * : \: " v ' THE PROFESSOR'S HAT.' At a dinner,, in the States a; professor thought he would ask, a black cloak-room attendant a few questions about his ■; memory.. ■ ''.]■< ; v - • •As the , attendant handed ; him his hat he said: ''.How do you know this one is mine?" .• V " I don't' know that,, suh," was the ; answer. - : ; ' ' The professor gasped. ;. ' ; " Then why do you give it to, me he demanded.* ' ■ " 'Cause yo' gave it to me, suh," the attendant replied. : novels IN A NUTSHELL. Much; has been; written in criticism of English, French, v alid J Russian novels, but never have their essential natures been so crisply described as ill these paragraphs of anonymous, origin. V, An English novel is a book in which ; two people want each other in the first chapter, but do not. get each other until the last chapter. .- ■ •A French novel is a hook in which two people get; each other right- in 'the first chapter, and from then on to the last chapter don't want each other any more. .. A; Russian novel is one..in which -two people: neither want each 'other nor get each other, . .and round that fact four hundred and fifty profoundly melancholy, pages - are ■ written. , ; ' V ,< ■ . > following INSTRUCTIONS. ; - An inspector one day visited a'"country school, •>taught by .a young lady, ' and, in the course of the lesson, said:— ; : : " Now, ■ children, I wish you to .take notice of what. I do, and* then < write an account of it."' -' " : Then he stepped to the blackboard, and wrote a sentence upon - it. All the children except one i wrote .; in;, effect that the : " master " came into j school, ' and- wrote >on the blackboard-—, j "T love a good school." ■■;.'• One little girl,; however, followed j instructions " more literally, and completed i . the story by adding:—- ' " " j . " And then he went to the platform, sat down, played with j his watch 'chain,; twirled. Jhis . moustache, and- winked at. i.the teacher." 7 \ ' " ' '' '- • ■. s ' ' • •v!:' .