CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LX, Issue 18374, 14 April 1923, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

ODDS AND ENDS. ..',— ♦-—— „'.■•-, Lady: "What, in your opinion, is your finest piece of fiction?" Author: "Mv i last income-tax return." ' Dick: "I certainly admire that pianist's finish, don't you?" Nick: "Oh, yes; but I always dread the beginning." Small Girl (as sister's fiancee slips on banana skin): "Look, mamma, he's worshipping the ground she treads on!" She: "He says ho loves me yet ho has only known me two days." Her Friend : "Well, perhaps that's the reason, dear." Customer: "I'd like to see something cheap in a straw hat." Shop Assistant: "Try this on. The mirror is on your left," Bill: "I certainly did wrong when ] told my girl that I admired her chin." Jim: "How's that?" "She started raising another one." Magistrate: " You can take your choice —five pounds or ten days." Prisoner (still in a foggy condition): "I'll take themoney, Y'r Worship!" Manager: "Thomson, you are discharged." Clerk: " But I've done nothing, sir; absolutely nothing." "Exactly. That's why you're "discharged." Father (visiting college) : "Son, those arc better cigars than I can afford."' Son: "That's all right, dad; Take all yo want; this is my treat."; • Jones: "You say she is proud Jenkins: "Proud? Why that woman wouldn't read a serial story because she would have to buy it on the instalment plan!" "Why," asked a Sunday-school teacher, "is a certain part of the church called the altar?" Tommy Jones: "Because it is where people change their names." '...' -~': Hostess " You can't imagine' how bad my husband's eyesight is getting. .Only to-day he mistook me for the nursemaid." Her friend: "And she's such a pretty I girl, too.'' , . ' \ .*«" The head of the firm had. caught the office boy telling lies. " Boy." ho said, " do you know what they do with boys Who tell lies?" "Yes, sir,"; was tho reply. " When they are old enough the firm sends them out as travellers." " What became of the Cromwell relics you had on exhibition here?" asked a visitor of the museum attendant. "Let I me see," replied the attendant, who was new to the job. " Oh, yes, they were returned to Mr. Cromwell last week."

A Scotsman said to his friend, after a merry evening: "Do ye ken . whaur Andy Graham lives the noo ?" " Whist!" said his friend, " yp'ro Andy Graham yersel'." "I'm j no' askin' ye if ye ken Andy Graham," was the reply; "I'm askin' if ye ken whaur he lives." ; He had reported the theft of f his motor-car to the police. The inspector put down his pen and frowned. -" The miscreant . must be caught,"- he said, " and punished." Don't worry about that," said the late owner. "If the car treats him like it has treated me, he's had . enough." \ •;;. A girl, asked to mount a donkev at Blackpool, said: "I'll have a ride if yon chap (pointing to a perfect stranger) will pay for it." "0 reet," said the stranger; " and-"': I'll tell thee what—l'll have, a ride mysen, and if thy donkey licks v mine I'll" wed thee." ■ The* girl's donkey won easily. - ; . Mother! " Come now, Tommy, you must forgive your brother before you go to bed. Suppose anything happened to either of you during the night!" Tommy " Well . .. I'll forgive him to-night". But if nothing happens to us to-night he'd better jolly well look out in the morning!", ' : ■ ■ ~-,-■■•; In a. certain school one of the boys, during a lesson, inclined his head to his neighbour and whispered. " Our master is an ass." The master noticed the boy talking, and, thinking ho was framing a reply to a question he had just put to the class, said, " Come, my boy, speak up; perhaps you're right." "_ «■ The very modern artist was explaining his theories. ■ " You see," he said, " what we aim at is the elimination of the egocentric vision, without destroying the essential unity of the subconscious reflex. Do you follow me?" "I'm wel? ahead of you," said his friend. " I came out of . the asylum yesterday." :: ,„

"Deduction is the thing." declared the amateur detective. "For instance, there is a pile of ashes in our yard. That is evidence that we have had fires this winter." "And, by. the .way, John," broke in his wife, " you 'might go out and sift that evidence." ::/'•; '."Excuse me, mum," said the new Irish cook, " but would ye mind if I have this, address printed 1 on me card?" "Why, no," replied -the mistress,, in some surprise, " it is rather unusual, perhaps, but I. see no objection." "Thank ye, mum, and, as I notice ye have yer cards printed ' At Homo on "Thursdays,' would it be proper fer me to have '■■moin, printed ' Thursdays off " The curate was a frequent visitor, and it was thought that Grace, the elder sister, was the cause of it. One day he was dining with the family, and the moment he sat down, Amy, the youngest, began to talk. " Hush, Amy," said the mother, as the curate started the blessing, " Mr. Pinkie is about to ask grace!" "Well," said Amy, " it's about time; we've been 'specting it for months, and so's she Both were wireless enthusiasts, and after the manner of those who fish, and those who grow vegetable marrows, they told each other that each possessed. the finest apparatus in the world. "Do you know," said the first, "I distinctly heard the scene-shifters talking the other night?" • His companion took a i deep breath, " Why, listening-in to the performance of..' The Merchant of Venice ' the other night, I not only heard the applause, but could distinctly hear the /.cries of 'Author!'" - - , :- •

SHORT STORIES. .'■■',:■.: '- ; ]♦ "[ —-',■'. ;.'..""■' ■ . .' NO DUMMY. A lady was recently engaging a cook, and had apparently settled all details satisfactorily, when the domestic inquired: V;; :. t ," How many. servants do you keep, ma'am?" > > ■" Two," was the reply. " Oh, then your place won't suit me, ma'am, as I always like a, game of whisfr of an evening, arid I don't like playing with a ' dummy.' " , CHOOSING THE MAYOR. Sir Ernest Shackleton, the Antarctic explorer, was a great success as a public lecturer. On one occasion he was explaining to a friend after the lecture how ho always picked out the man in the audience who looked the least intelligent, and if he saw he could rouse an interest there he felt he was, all right. • ' At this point in the explanation the local Mayor came up with the remark: " I liked your lecture — felt you were talking to me the whole time." WHAT A FALL. Of his experiences with models Mr. Marcus Stone, R.A., told many stories. One of the most amusing concerns an old model he met in the Zoological Gardens. "What are you doing now?" he asked the man. " Last time I saw you was when you were sitting for one of —'s religious pictures." "Yes, sir." said the model sadly, "An' now I'm cleaning out the elephants' stables.' Nice come-down for one of .the Twelve Apostles, ain't it, sir?" LONDON DOGS. ; * Two Scotsmen from the • far North were visiting , London for the first time, and in the course of their sight-seeing visited a public park. One of them, having noticed a placard on which was the legend. "no dogs admitted," ex.claimed, in great surprise, to his companion: "Man Sandy, did ye ever see the like o' that ? Surely the London folks maun bo daft to think that dogs can read?" ""Weest!" replied Sandy, gravely; "ye dinna ken what London dogs can dae." A BRIGHT YOUTH. The teacher had been explaining fractions to her class. When she had discussed tho subject at length, wishing to see how much light had been shed, she inquired: " Now, Bobby, which would you rather have, one apple or two halves?" The little chap promptly replied:—. " Two halves." • - " Oh, • Bobby," exclaimed the young woman,' a little disappointed, " why should you prefer two halves ? " Because . then I could see if it was bad inside*.'' ) : > '-,■■, ■':'■ ~-. ; r .<..-

JONES WAS WILLING. Jones was suffering terribly from toothache, and was on the point of distraction when Harry, his friend, met him on the street. ■ _ ' " I am a martyr to this cursed toothache, lad," said Joies, do you know of anything to cure it ?" "You need no physic," replied Harry, " I had toothache last week, and when I went home my wife kissed me. and, believe me, it cured me. Try it." Jones: Yes, I think I will.' Is your wife at home .now \V* ..; t c : •; ■,;■■ ■' '■ '■ ' • ■ >-' f ' ■ ■'- ' " r r BAH AND 800. Mr. Ronald Ross told some good anecdotes of humour in the Irish Law Courts some time' ago. "On one occasion," he says, "a counsel for the Treasury asked leave at the end of the, case to recapitulate his points, but was informed that the Court would no longer hear him. Notwithstanding, he coolly proceeded as follows:— "'My first point is 4 that Your Lordship has no jurisdiction to make any order. My second point is that any order you make will be in excess of jurisdiction, and my third point is that any such order will be against all the evidence in the case." :-' X -.' •, ■ :■;-' "Here the Recorder, in uncontrollable fury, broke out : 'My answer to your first point is Bah ! My answer to your second point is Bah! And my answer to youK third point is Bah!' ' ; "The Treasury counsel, undismayed, responded, 'My respectful reply to Your Lordship's answers is also monosyllabic; it is the word Boo!' "

WELL BORN.

Stories about lunatics are sometimes amusing. Here is one, told to the author of "Echoes of the Eighties," by Mr. Goschen. A friend of his, visiting Philadelphia, met in an asylum a patient who said: " Perhaps'you are not aware that I am Julius Caesar?" Some months afterwards the gentleman was again visiting that asylum, and the same man came up to him, and said„ "Perhaps you are not aware that I am Napoleon the Great?" '•■ '-. " Oh, but when I wai last here," said the visitor, "you told me that you were Julius Caesar." The lunatic seemed perplexed for a moment, and then his countenance brightened, and he said, "Ah, yes, but that was by a different mother." AT THE WEDDING. At a provincial wedding all went merrily until the bridegroom was called upon to produce the wedding ring. Invain he felt in his trousers pocket for the indispensable trifle. Nothing could be found except a hole through which the ring had evidently fallen.'- What was he to do? Suddenly a] happy thought struck the parson. ..,_ ■ "Take your shoe off."' he said. ,'yv The suspense and silence were painful.. The organist, at the clergyman's bidding, struck up a voluntary. The young man removed his shoe, the ring was found,, also a hole in his stocking, and the worthy parson remarked, evidently with more than the delay of the ceremony On his mind: — '„ " Young man,"it's high time you were married." ' ■ ...:--''" .