CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LX, Issue 18297, 13 January 1923, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

ODDS AND ENDS, ?"»r— ' I'll ■■». i ' '•.,'"-■: ■.■'.■ '■■.'■•' Try one of these cigars, old man, they're the best things out! " How are they when they're lighted?" : Chatty Barber {about to lather): Will you kindly keep your mouth shut, sir? Bored Customer: *Yes—will*you? "Why don't you cat your apple, Johnny?" " I'm waitin' for Peter. It tastes much better when another feller is lookiu' on." " Mamma, Tige's begging. Mnst ( I give him a piece of my cookie?" "Of course you must " Well, I haven t any cookie 1 " " Here, waitress. Ibis doughnut has a tack in it." "Well, I declare: I'll bet the ambitious little tiling thinks it is a fiiwor tyre." Street Urchin: "Have you got a match, please?" Gentleman: No, I haven't!" Urchin: " Well, here you are, sir. Penny a box!" " How many times do I have to tell you, Bobbv, that one must keep his eyes closed during prayer!" "Yes, -mamma, how do you know I don't?" Boy: "Father, do you know that every winter an animal puts on a new • fur coat?" Father: "Hush! Not so loud! Your mother's in the next room!" "James, havie you whispered to-day without permission?" "Only "Lerov, should James have said wunst? " No'm, he should have said twict." Sambo: " Doe 3 yo' still refuse, sah, to pay me dem' two dollars I done loaned yo' de Lawd on'y knows when? " Bastus: "Nussah!" I doesn't refuse. I jess refrains." He: " That young brother of yours saw me kiss you just now. What ought I to give him to shut him up? " She (absently): "Ho usually gets half-a-crown." Lawyer: "When I was a boy my highest, ambition was to be a pirate. ' Client: "You're in luck. It isn't every roan who can realise the dreams, of his youth." Mrs. Bugsbv: " You can't deceive m«, John! I'm sharp, you know, sharp as a knife!" Mr. Bugsbv: "Yes, Maria, you resemble a knife table-knifeyou never shut up." " What is it, do yon suppose, that keeps the moon in place find prevents it from falling? " asked Araminta. "I think it must be the beams," replied Charlie, and then ha fled. ' T' " You wish to marry my daughter?" she asked. He was a diplomat. " Not so much that, madam. The keystone of my ambition is to be able to point to you one day as my mother-in-law." " Sir, your daughter has promised to become my wife,'* " Well, don't come to me for sympathy; you might know something would happen to you, hanging around here five nights a week." Employer: "Why did you take down that ' do it now' sign hanging over your desk?" Clerk: "I couldn't stand the way the bill collectors looked at it when I told them to call again to-morrow." - Dannie: " Mamma, are yon going to get that fur coat from papa for your birth'd&y ?" Mamma : " No, darling." Have you tried throwing yourself on the floor and*" Sacking with your feet like I do?" "Lie back a little farther in the chair," coaxed the barber. "If von don't mind I'll stay as I am. The last time I . lay back I fell, alseep, and when I woks up I owed the barber my next week's wages." Mrs. Thinker: "The bride nearly fainted during the ceremony, and had to be supported by her father until it was over." Mrs. Gossip: "Yes; and now I hear that her father is supporting both of them." ;

Hateful Husband: " Your extravagance is simply appalling! When I die you'll probably have to peg." Wonderful Wife: . " Well, I shall be better off than the poor women "who never had any practice, at any rate." "What are you doing -with your hand in my poeket?" exclaimed a man who clutched at a pickpocket. The man retorted: " Sir, I was just about to demand what business you had with my hand in your pocket." "Now what shall wo name the baby asked the professor's wife. _ Why," ejaculated the learned man in astonishment " this species has been named for centuries. This is a primate mammal— 'homo sapiens.' " Hostess: " Dear me, the conversation is flagging dreadfully. What can we do to amuse these people '(" Host: "I don't know, I'm sure; unless we go into the other room for a bit and give them , a chance to talk about us." Hawker: "Buy a flower, sir?" Brown: "No, thanks." Hawker: "Buy one for your wife." Brown: "Haven't -to got one. '* Hawker: "For your sweetMi: heart, then." Brown: "Haven't one Spj either." Hawker: Well, buy one to celebrate your luck." Art M.?. who was to have addressed a "deling was unable to reach his destina- ';•'. tion. as a portion of the railway had been destroyed bv heavy rains. He sent this pessage: "Cannot come; wash out on ™}-.:',-:. ; Back came tho -answer:: "Never -:W,:-y-:. : ™S?» Come aoj; way, Barrow » shiifc."

SHORT STORIES, •.. „ i Hm* ' — ' ONE OF TEE FAMILY. The maid-of-all-work in the service of a provincial family, the members whoreoi are not on the most amicable terms, recently tendered her resignation, much to th* distress of the lady of the house. . ■ . "So you are going to leave us?, asked the mistress, sadly. "What's the matter, Mary? Haven't we always treated you like one of the family V ■ , , "Yes, mum," said Mary; ;an Ive stood it as long. as I'm goin to. PUZZLING ME. SCARR. The late Mr. Scarr, of Leeds, speaking at a temperance meeting, said:— . " If the Lord had intended you men to smoke, He would ha' put chimneys on t top of your heads." . , "Nay, Mr. Scarr,.:but I'd hke tax you a question." :,,„■, " Well, what is it, my lad? "If the Lord had wanted us to eat boiled v-aties, don't you thmk he would ha' sent 'em down ready boiled? The reply of Mr. Scarr is not recorded. TOO MUCH FOE THE DUKE. Samuel Warren, the novelist, was once adSSng the.Duke orWeHmgton m terms so flattering that the Duke was moved to protest. ~ "I am very glad we ato alone, Mr. Warren," he observed. MTl i:^ "May I ask why, my lord! * replied Warren, his vanity tickled by the seem* m Because,"* was the Duke's crushing reply, " anyone else might thmk I was fool enough to believe what you are telling me." THE GALLANT SHOPMAN. The wife of Alderman had gone out for a walk, and was overtaken ia a shower of rain. She took refuge in a shop where she frequently dealt, and made a few purchases. , " You seem very quiet to-day, she said to the newly engaged shopman, who was very attentive and obliging; "you are generally quite busy." " Oh, yes, madam," was the reply, " but. look at the weather! What respectable lady would venture out of doors a day like this? PREPAREDNESS. A tall, nervous-looking man rushed into the grocer's shop in a New York State village. "Sell me all the stale eggs you have," he demanded. "Well, \ don't usually sell stale eggs," said the grocer, "but I could let you have some if you—" "I must have all you've got." "I suppose you're going to see 'Hamlet' at thiß village hall to-night," said the grocer knowingly. "Hush!" said the stranger, glancing around nervously. "I am Hamlet." Teacher: " Name the seasons." Pupil i Pepper, salt, vinegar, and mustard." THE SPECIALIST. Long and searchingly he gazed deep into her eyes, those so-called windows of the soul which held for him nothing but mystery. Would he never know the truth—ho must, that's all. His honour depended upon it; it was now or never. If he left her go now she would never come back. Seizing her face firmly between his long slender hands he > commanded lie? to look at him in a voice more stern than he had ever believed himself capable. She whimpered. Instantly repenting, he asked her pardon. "You should not fear me," he whispered. For some minutes he held her thus, then relaxing ho shook bis head as he walked slowly away. At the other side of the | room he turned, and on his face a smile . and a note of triumph in his voice. "Madam, it is just as I thought, you have astigmatism," he said.

Because they make so many and then have a way of conveniently forgetting them all!—(By W. K. Haselden.) —Daily Mirror.

THE BOY SCORED. '.'Which is' the way to Ottawa, my lad?" "II don't know." '~ .1, "Which is the way to Topeka, then?" "I—l don't know." "Well, can you tell me how to get back to Wichita, then ?" "I — don't know." ' By this time tho drummer was quite impatient and said to the boy: "Say, you don't know very much, do you ?" to which the lad retorted: r . "No! But— ain't lost!" KNEW HIS FLOOK. , . It was : the Scottish minister's second Sunday in his new parish, and he had reason to complain of the meagre collection. " Mon," replied one of the elders, "they are stingy, vera stingy. But—" and ho came closer and became more confidential—" tho auld meenister, he put three or four saxpences into the plate hisself, just to gie them a start. Of course, he took the saxpences awa' with him afterwards." The now minister tried the same plan, but the following Sunday was a repetition of the others —a dismal failure. The entire collection was not only small, but to his great consternation his own coins were missing. "Ye may be a better preacher than the auld meenister." exclaimed the elde • "but if ye had half the knowledge <• the world an' 6' yer ain flock in pp.:- ; ticular, ye'd ha' done what he did an' glued the DarneHceft to the plate,/-?- :