ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIX, Issue 18275, 16 December 1922, Page 5 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Alice: "George asked me to kiss, him." Dot : " Oli, what cheek!" Alice: "Well —er—citfier."

Willie : Pa, what »»• a matrimonial knot s" Father: "It is the most serious tanglo iu the world."

"Mother, on what day was I born?" "Thursday, darling." '"'How fortunate! Why, that's your 'at home ' day I"

"You look dejected." "Yes, married life gets on my nerves." "Been married long?"' " No, the marriage tikes place to-morrow."

Daughter: "Mr. Bankleigh is coming here tonight. If he asks mo to marry him, how shall I answer?" Mother: " Promptly."

Teacher (to small boy): " Who heat the Philistines?" Small Boy: "I don't know. I o»ily follow the. clubs iu the first and second divisions!"

Small Boy (to airman): "If you bo acoini: up, r.ur. would ye seo if yo can find. Billy's kite driftin' about, wot *e lorst larst Toosday?"

"What fool told you to place thoso papers on that tile?" "You did, sir:" - Wdi. 'cave them there—you're discharged for calling me a fool."

lie: "Do yon think your father would he willing to help me in the future." She: " Weil, 1 heard him say he felt like kicking you into the middle of next week."

Wife: "This pudding is a sample of the new cook's work. What do you think of it?" Husband: "I call it mediocre." Wife: "No, dear, it's tapicoa."

Small Boy: "Mother will you ask the hotel man if I can have some other bedroom?" Mother: " But isn't yours a nice room?" Small Boy: " Quite, but it's on fire."

"Man (indignantly^; " When I bought this you said it was fine for rats. Why, "he won't touch them." Dog Dealer: "Well, ain't that fine for the rats':"

Citizen: "That's my car. The thief is just fixing a blowouu" Policeman: "All right, I'll go |)ver and (arrest him," "Sh-h-h! Wait till he gets the tyre pumped up."

Hubby: " Did you get Norah to clean the spot out of my golf suit?" Wiley: " No, I did it myself. Poor girl, she can't bear the smell of gasoline since that chauffeur jilted her."

Wealthy TJncle: " You are extravagant sir. These cigars are & lot better than I smoked at your age," Collegiate Nephew (coollv) s " They xe a lot better than you smoke now." "

Senior Partner i " That new stenographer; spell* ricKcrdously." Junior Partner: " Doea she? Well, if she does, it's about the on'iy word she can spell, so far as my observation goes."

Lawyer: "A while ago you said your husband died a natural death, and now you say be was run over by a motorcar." Mrs. Grimshawi "Well, isn't that a natural death in these days?"

Lady (engaging a footman) i "Are you olever at table? James: "Tea, mum." Lady : "And you know your way to announce?" James: "Well, mum, I know my weight to a pound or so, but I should hardly like to say to an ounco."

A bey visited a druggist's shop on Deeside. and asked for two ounces of sulphur. On being told the price, he said, '"I can get it cheaper than that at Aboyne." Taking back the sulphur the druggist said, "You can go to the devil, and there you will get it for nothing."

' "What's the funniest thing you've ever seen?" asked a sporting man of a wellknown jockey. "WelL I guess it was a dead-heat in an event where there was only one entry." How in the world could that happen? Was it a horse race?" "No, it was a •Dromation. n

"What's the matter, ©Id bean?" said

Gerald to his pal, Percival, who was look- ' Ing bine." "Tv* been rudely treated by a girl," was Percival's lugubrious reply. "I met her last night, and asked if I might see her home." "And she said —?" "She aaid certainly—if I took the trouble to look at it."

Mr. Brovm arrived home lata the other evening after dining -well, but not ■wisely. He took up his hairbrush, on the back of which "was a mirror, in order to see if his face was very flushed". By mistake he held the bristly side toward himself. "Gracious!" he cried, "Xo -wonder everyone stared at me. Don't I -want a eWe!"

Customer: " What did yon mean by ssll tog me that stuff you called hair restorer *nd telling me it would restore my head to its original condition?" Chemist: "Didn't von like it:" Customer: "No, 1 didn't. If I had kept on much longer I should have been entirely bald. Original condition, indeed !" Chemist: '' Most people are born bald, sir. That is the original condition."

George Kobey is fond of telling a story ©f a K.C. with a mtjsical wife who played the piano while the guests were awaiting dinner. There was a burst of applause, and the: husband turned to the guest of honour with: "Would you like a sonata before dinner, Mr.— ?" "Well, I don't mind," replied the guest of honour. " I had two on my way here, but I think I can stand another." *•

They were talking of figures of speech. "Have you ever noticed," said one, •how fond people are of metaphors when thev are dealing with a woman ? Her eheek* are 'rose 3,' her lips are 'cherry, bar hands are always 'lily* hands, her month i» » *rosebud,' her complexion is *?Jko ft peach,' and her breath is 'fragrant as honeysuckle.' " "You've forgotten one," said the cynic. "What's that,? "Her tongue- It is a scarlet-runner.'

While the churchwardens were counting the offertory in the vestry after the harvest festival service, they were all smiles, for it was a record collection. As the visiting preacher was leaving, the senior warden thanked him, and added a word of • praise for the wonderful sermon he had just dehvfred. "Pooh!" said the divmo. " that was quite an ordinary sort of •ermon. Yon ought to hear by teu-guinea