CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIX, Issue 18089, 13 May 1922, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

ODDS AND ENDS.

" Maud's latest photograph is just lovely." "Is it J" "Yes. I had to ask who it was."

"* Charley Litowate: "Would you take me for a fool?" Mis* Passay :"* O Charley, this is so Budden !"

Smytho : "Johnson says his wife never disobeys him." Brown : " No. Ho daren't give hex any orders." 1

Small boy (to sister) : " Mother has come home aril forgotten "lie, sweets : so ■no have simply been good for no purpose. ! "

Wills: "Did your daughter rnarry a • has-been' ?" Hill: "Worse than that. Tic's an honcst-to-goodness-doesn't-waut-to be!"

" My doll can shut her eyes and go to flcep just lovely." "Hush. My doll never poos to sleep ai, all; she's got inBomnia."

l«nndon Policeman (piOjposine) : "I want you to marry mo. 'Etty and—er— anything you say may bo used in hcvidence against you."

"Six feet in his boots!" exclaimed old Mrs. Flatiron; "nonsense! Why, they might as well tell mo that the man has six heads in his hat!"

Dressmaker's assistant: " The proprietress asked mo to tell you, madame, that, sho will give you length and stylebut cannot give you credit."

Guile: "Taylor bet all the monev ho had in tho bank that ho would walk a slack wire for 20ft." Quay: " Did ho win or lose?" Guile: "Ho lost his balance."

Madge Trill :. " Tho manager seems to think thai some day niv voice will break the record." Jealous "Rival : "Perhaps —if you sing into a. phonogr&ph recorder.''

Has tho baby had tho measles vet, Mr. Popps?;' '"Sh-sh! Don't speak ro loud. "Whenever he hears anvthing mentioned he hasn't got, ho cries for it."

.Tones : " Time improves everything but women." Brown ::- Why put it that way'.'" Jones: "Because my wife savs they have been perfect from* the beginning i"

Jackie: "Mother, how old'are von?" Mother: *' I don't wish to state' but should any of the neighbours ask. ycu may toll them that I was married when I was only 18."- *

"Why do they call this a free country?" asked the foreign communist. " Because," answered the respectable citizen, " you are at liberty to leave it. if you don't like it."

" So you were at Miss Marrable's dinner yesterday. Flossie? "What was the menu like?" " I really can't i:ell you. for I didn't take any. It's a thing I verv seldom touch."

"Isn't it hard to lose your daughter?" "No, not this one; I could have married her off a year .ago. It is her older sister rf that's hard to lose."

" What! You marry my daughter! Why, you're too young. Wait until you are -a little older." "Very well, Mr. Cash, I'll como again next week."

Fledgeley. " Miss Hax:teur. will you marry me?" Miss Hauteur :"Tf I were a clergyman I should be pleased to, Mr. Fiedgeley. Who is the ha.ppy girl J"

Wifie (enthusiastically}: " I saw the most gorgeous chiffonier to-day, dear. But, of course, I know we cannot afford—" Hubby (resignedly): " WTaen have they promised to deliver it/*

'" Come along, now," ordered the policeman, handcuffing the prisoner's wrist to his own. "Of course I trill, old dear," said the culprit, jovially, " I'm very much attached to you."

Husband (angrily) : " I was a fool when. I married you." Wife : " Aren't you a. fool still? " Husband. " 2fo; I am not." Wife: "Then you should congratulate) me upon my success as a reformer."

"I doift Tinderst-and why mothers Can't see 'the faults in their own children," said! Mrs. Grey to Mrs. Green. "Do you, think you could?" asked Mrs. Green, '" Certainly I could, if my children had any."

''Halloa, William!" imid Hcndv : "Whaur's thoo petten that black eye/ "Wev," replied William, dolefully, "thoo .'?«6, 'oor Jack's just gettin' hack fro' his honeymoon, an' it wor me as persuaded him to get marrit."

The Soulful One : " Jnst listen to what Bobby says : 'If thou wouMst know why nirn go mad, go gaze into thy minor.'' Isn't that sweet?" The Worldly One: "Sweet! Why, it's an insult. After all. you're not as bad as all that!

The new play was not a success, and the author, speaking to a newspaper critic, said " he found consolation in the lac!, that it was not hissed." "Well, I dely anyone to yawn and hiss at the same time.," was the disconcerting reply.

Landlady: "Just, when are yon goitig + ,o pay your arrears of rent?" Hard-up Author:'" As soon as I rece.ivo the cheque which the publisher will send mo if ho accepts the novel I am about, to commence when I have found a suitable subject and the necessary inspiration."

Hubby (shaving) : " Confound the n-zor!" Wife: "What the matter? You're dreadfully cross-tempered ! " Hubbv : "The riuor is so abominably dull!" Wife: "Dull! Why, I opened .-. sardine tin with it. yesterday, and it cut beautifully! "

Hamilton: " He'll never get on in life— never mako a living, in fact." Simpson: " Why do you think that'.' " JTamUton : '' Oh/©very time he ojxnis his mor.ili be puts hia foot in it." Simpson: "Well, theft's ono way of making buth ends meet.?

SHORT STORIES.

AN OLD MAKER. The dealer in antiques was showing an old violin to a probable buyer. " Yea," bo said, " that is of historical interest; that is the identical iiddle Nero played while Rome was burning 1 " " Oh, that is a myth." The dealer agreed, saying :" Yes, it is; and Myth's name was on it, but it has got Morn off. - '

THE NEW GEOGRAPHY. The school inspector was putting the children through their paces. ills immediate subject was geography. Standing in the middle of the room, he said : " \Ve will supposo this room is composed of water and 1 am an island. Now. what island would I represent?" "Tho Isle of Man," came a quick reply. Then calling the teacher to him, he asked again. " Now, suppose we both stood together like this, what island would wo represent?" " The Scilly Islands, Kir," came the answer in a loud voice.

A NEW HAND. Sir W. Robertson Nicoll relates in the British Weekly that a lady making an afternoon call in tho West End of London forgot tho number of a friend's house in a certain terrace. Trusting to her memory of the house, sho pulled a bell-handlo and when a casual pert parlourmaid appeared, said : " I'm so sorry to trouble you, but I'm not quite sure of tho number. Is this Mrs. Ronald Temple's? " Tho reply was : " I don't think thot'ji tho nyme. I'll just go and H rsk. I only cyme yesterday."

NO CAUSE FOR WORRY. A woman sent word to a clergyman, just before tho sermon, that she wished to see him. When ho joined her after tho service, sho confessed that sho was worried over a matter of conscience.

'' Vanity, I'm afraid, vicar," she told him, " is my besetting sin." ,; Tell me more," ho entreated. " Every morning, vicar." sho continued, "I yield" to the -emptation of gazing at my reflection in lite mirror, and thinking how pretty I am." The clergyman gazed at her for more than a minute, and then replied : — "If that is all, go in peace, for to make a mistake is no sin."

WORDS OUT OP SEASON. There was a time when that, woman of Uxbridgo who is reported to have sworn continuously for 65 minutes would have attained great honour in her own country. For to swear in noble fashion was once the thing. There was Lord Melbourne, whom the Archbishop of Canterbury once called upon to discuss business. " Now my Lord," he said, "it will save time if before we begin wo assume that everybody and everything is damned ! " .And there is the story of the young nobleman who was seriously taken to task by his sister : —" Now that you have come into the titlo yon« must learn to swear. Your father always did, and gained great respect by it in his county." PASSING THE JOKE ON. A Paris newspaper has a story about Massenet and Saint-Saens whicli I have not seen before. A certain nouveau riche called on Massenet, saying that he had seen his picture in a newspaper and had heard that he was a clever pianist. Would M. Massenet play a few pieces at a little party? He would be well paid, of course. Massenet was much amused. " I suppose there'll be some dancing?" ho hazarded. Well, yes. Perhaps M. Massenet would not mind playing for the young people to skip about a bit as well? " Not at all;" said Massenet. " What night?" "Thursday." "Thursday? What a pity. I am engaged elsewhere*. But I can give you the address of a friend, if you like- He is a very good pianist, and he can play all the modern dances beautifully."

So saying, Massenet gave the unfortunate vulgarian Saint-Saens' address, and he called on iSaint-Saens and was promptly kicked out. Saint-Saens brooded over the, insult a Jong time before he savr the joke.

• THE INTERPRETER. A Scotsman and his daughter Janet visited some relatives in London, and everywhere that the father went Janet was sure to go. Janet's aunt at last suggested to her niece that she might sometimes let her father go alone. Tin's was Janet's reply: " Ah, ahnt.y. but he wahnts me," explained -Janet. "He canna thole to stir out o' the hooso his lane. Ye wadna beleove ho fasht he is onywhere wi-oot me. Yo see. father taa'ks sic braid Scoatch that stranger folk dinna what it's a' aboot, an' I hao tae gang wi' him tae dao the converrsin."

RAN NO RISKS. In the- Last End of London a little fcl- j low began to bawl and scream. " Oh, my farden ! I've lost my brite ! farden !" A group of men were standing by, and one of thorn said: " 'Ere, mates, let's 'elp this kid find 'is farthing." » So, in the goodness of their hearts, i they all Ticgan to search laboriously, while the urchin continued to bawl : " Oh, my farden ! t\ly brite farden '." In a minute or two one of the men found the lost coin. " 'Erc's your farthing, kid," he said, and then a ray from a street lamp fell upon it and he yelled : "Why, ib isn't a farthing at all. H's 'arf a quid!" "Gam!" said the boy, as he snatched his nioncy. " Think 1 was goin' to let you chaps know it, was a ten-Shilling piece? Why, one o' ye would 'a 'ad 'is foot on it afore I'd time to turn round."