CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIX, Issue 18025, 25 February 1922, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

ODDS AND ENDS.

l": Mason: "Mr. Blair speaks twenty different languages." Fuller: "Including Jhe one ho uses at golf?"

Miss Cleary: " Did you hatch all those Chickens yourself?" Poultry-farmer: "No, )Miss; I used an incubator.

Drowning Man: "Quick, throw me a lifebelt!" Rescuer (a tailor): "Yes, sir. What size round the waist?"

Tyler: "I believe in signs." Naylor: V Are you superstitious?" Tyler: "No; J'm in the advertising business."

Deadhead (at the box-office): "Look fcere, I can't stand this show of yours, so I've come to ask for my visiting card back."

Gladys: " Minnie is not very attractive, k she?" Winnie: "No. Whv would you believe it. that girl has never had a mosquito bite!" The Husband: "Nearly all great men fire married." The Bachelor: "It is struggle and opposition that develop iatent genius." Sage: "Yo'i can't take something from nothing." Simon: " You can come jpretty close 10 it by taking the conceit out of some people." "Willie (reading racing news): "Father, what is meant by the 'home stretch'?" Father (looking at his. large family): * Trying to net a ten-roomed family into p, five-roomed house." The Wife (to sleeping husband): " Shut jrp. you brute, and let me go to sleep, Pr else talk distinctly, so that I can hear [ifhat you are saying.'' " They say the cause of the quarrel was n letter which his wife found in his pocket." " One he had forgotten to post, ph "No; one he'd forgotten to burn." Fishmonger: " Fresh! Why, ma'am, that fish breathed its last When it saw yer coming !" Customer (sniffing): " And •jfot a breath it had!"

The Customer: "1 cant find my wife hnywhere. What shall I do?"' The Shopwalker: " Just start talking to our nretty assistant over there." Counsel: "What is your age, madam?" (Witness (hesitatingly): "I have seen iwenty-three summers." Counsel: "How Biany years wore you blind?" '•" There goes Mrs. Speedy. They say hterv pennv her husband makes she puts 'her back." "H'm! Poor beegar! (Must have been out of work lately.' Father: " Buy you a trumpet? So that Vou will give me a splitting headache all day!" Son: "Oh! no; papa; I promise to play it only when you're fleers" {First Stenographer: "Do you know, fJGHra.'.' actually asked me for a kiss." Second Stenographer: "What cheek!" Wirst Stenographer: "Oh, I gave him Both." V Gay Grandmother': " Come along, young Man, let's do a fox-trot." Intended victim: " No thanks, madame, I've never Hanced in my life—and I don't begin at glour age." . 'Johnnie: "Father, what's the meaning tt' the word 'groom?'" Father: "To. groom: Verb, meaning to feed, to brush, aid vait upon. Noun. One who assumes feass duties "for a bride." ~ ~, ►# :"' $ —r~ --Humorous Marj,'(in tramcar): "Has anytone dropped a wad of notes with an elestic band round them?" Chorus of Voices: f Yes, I ha'je!" H.M.: " Well, I've just picked up the elastic band."

.' A young man took his aunt to the races. Jit the end of a race lie said: "I think I'll Jut a fiver on Glanmerin at ten to one." f Oh, but you're too late," said his aunt, jglancing afc her -watch, "it's ten to two JjOW." , , • ' r. 'Mother: " No, Bofcbie. I can't allow ■votl to play with Tommy He might Uvea bad influence over you." Bobbie: mother, can I play with him for |Kb good influence I might have, over iron? 7.

•The small son of .a shrewd financier was ftitertaining his uncle, who presently gave him a shilling. " Suppose," said his uncle, " I gave you a thousand pounds— .••tat would be the tirst thing you would Aj!" "Count it," faid the son .of his father.

Jimmv: " My medicine isn't so nasty as St used"to be, mother. I think it must 'he that I'm getting used to it." Mother: fDo you take a whole dessertspoonful ftftcr each meal ?" Jimmy: " No, mother. I' couldn't find a spoon, so I've been tijing a fork." A Hebrew entered a crowded railway Carriage and placed a heavy box on, the rack. A nervous passenger eyed the pre-cariously-balanced package for a moment, Mid then ventured: " I say, do you think that's zafe:" " Oh, yeth, said the Jew, pheerfully. -" It'th locked." The lover looked into the window of the Jeweller's shop, and presently spotted a ring which he thought might do for his betrothed. But it was marked £10—a terrible sum. M Aweel." said the lover, fit's marked tenj he means eight; he'll Uk' six; it's worth four—an' I'll offer turn twa!" 'A little girl was spending a night away from home. When it was time to go to bed 6he knelt at the knee of her hostess to say her prayers, expecting the usual prompting. This not coming, she was beard to remark: "Please 'scuse me. I can't remember my prayer, and.: I'm staying with a lady that don't know any." A nervous girl was chatting to her ticar about fishing, on which she was een. " Did you manage to get any fishing while you were away?" inquired the Hear. " Oh, yes," replied the girl, f* quite a lot—mostly perch and chub, , though they're not "particularly nice to fat. Which do you prefer, vicar," she llded, il cherch. or pub j," " - t

SHORT STORIES,

QUITE VALUABLE. "Beachcomber," in the Daily Express, presents are following story o\ mistaken identity :— A short-sighted.old lady went into a large curio shop. After pottering about for some time she asked the assistant: " How much is that Japanese idol worth —the one near the door?" '

" It is worth a great deal," replied the assistant. " It's the proprietor.

CUTTING NON-ESSENTIALS, " I want a shave," said the determined looking man, as he climbed into the barber's chair.' " I don't want a hair-cut nor a shampoo. Neither do I want any bay rum, witch hazel, hair tonic, hot towels or face massage. I don't want the manicure lady to hold my hand. Ijust want a plain shave with no trimmings. Do you understand that?'' "Yes, sir," said the barber. "Will you have some lather on your face, sir?"

LATEST IN SOUVENIRS. A woman was discussing' a party she had given. " You know," she .-aid, " Mrs. H. came, but she was a great nuisance. She has such a passion for souvenirs. She's mad on collecting." " My dear," said her friend, " no need to tell'me that; she stayed with me once, to my cost." v " i suppose you missed your china, or something, when she left?" " No, I missed my husband."

SUSPICIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES. The average Spanish family boasts about twelve children. A Spanish grandee brought his family to London last year, and one day, as he was leading the way into an Oxford Street shop, a policeman halted him rudely. " Here, what you been doin' ?" the policeman said. " Nothing," said the Spanish grandee. " Then what are all these children follerin' you for?" the policeman said suspiciously.

PRINCIPLE OP GRAVITATION. Mr. Headley rubbed his hands gleefully. "Mr. Heape!" he called. Mr. Heape, his assistant, came in from the next room. " Heape," cried old Headley, " that fool of an office boy of ours has fallen in love with my pretty secretary." "I'm sorry, "sir; what shall I do? Fire the boy?" "Fire the boy!" yelled Headley. " Never! I hope he remains true to her. For the first time since he's been here he's always handy when we want him."

MARRYING THE I'AMILY. A wealthy widow was about to marry a widower whose sole possession consisted of a family of small children. On the day set apart for the happy event, a friend of the prospective groom met one of the children, a little girl of six years, and to see what she would'say he accosted her with: "Where are you going, Jenny, all dressed up so fine?' ■>. ■ "I'm going to a wedding," she said proudly. " Whose weddin??" was his next query, "Mrs. Noble's,' r replied'she. " And who is Mrs. Noble going to marry?" " Why," said she in an astonished tone, "don't you Enow? She's going to marry US..''' •' •

HAD ACCEPTED A t TENDER. In his amusing- b00k,," More Bulls and Blunders," Sir J. C. Percy tells the following :— A well-known character in the we6t, one of ready wit, but not possessed of the best habits for success in life, died; yet his wife, sorely tried, kept things going with some show of comfort. She wept and showed great, grief at the funeral, and wished ■to lie in the grave with ; him. When the last sod was planted, the mourners retired to the inn that stood close by the graveyard, and ■ the usual comforts were resorted to by the chief mourners.

One man paid special attention to the widow, and at last, taking courage in both hands, said, "Now, Mary, there's no use in breaking your heart for poor Mick that's gone. The likes of him was not within the four walls of the world, •but-I-have been thinking of how he could to some extent be replaced to you by offering myself, joining our bits of ground together, and what with the Jitter of

pigs and the few pounds I have In the heel of the stockine it might make up to some extent "the loss you havehad." Mary •wiped her eyes, and with bent head and awaying body mournfully replied., " Tom, I'm deeply grateful for the tender words you have said to the poor broken-hearted widow in her sorrow this day, but I am sorry you spoko too late, for Pat Doolan offered me the same consolation at the wake last night, and there, in the prisince of the corpse, I couldn't refuse him."

A SINGLE HONEYMOON. A housemaid, who had been a long time in her situation, recently gave notice because she was going to have the banns put up. Her month had almost elapsed when the girl who was engaged to take her place wrote to say that she would be unable to commence her duties until a fortnight after ihe date her jvedecessor had arranged to be married. The maid was asked by her mistress whether she would agree to postpone the ceremony and stay on that length of time. "Change the date, change your fate, ma'am," answered the girl. " It's like flying in' the face of Providence to alter wedding arrangements; but if 'Erbert is agreeable. I don't mind getting married and then coming back for a fortnight.." The young man offered no objection, and lialf-an-hour after the ceremony the bride was back at her duties, ; "And,has your husband gone back to work, too, Mary?" asked her mistress. " Oh, no, ma'am," answered Mary proudly; "'Erbert's gone to 'Astings for • is 'pnevmopn.'.'