CURRENT HUMOUR.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIX, Issue 18019, 18 February 1922, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR.

ODDS AND ENDS. ♦ —. Clasuall) : " Water—water!" Svmp, thetic Lady: Poro dear—Vs delii ons'" French: "What's the proper length f, a skirt? - ' Wide : "Oh, just above, r • proach." First Film Star: Do you prefer to 1 married in church?" Second Film Star "Occasionally. - ' Brown: "Thai man gets no people nerves." (Uw: "Oh! Why':" frown "Oh, he's ;i dentist !" Mrs. N'ewlyvred (on her first day's shoi ping): " I «an! two pieces of steak an —and about half a |>int of graw." Mother: "Yes. 1 confess I'm dvinjr t pet my daughter married." He: "Ar what nthrr inducements do you offer'"' Mrs. Ryder: "Where v.ill I find ||, announcement «d liertie's marriage':" Mi livder: "Oh. m the 'Noose of th Weal..' ' NY.< rViide- "I didn't sleep well his night " Landlady: " M range bed, I pr< fume''" N. IV " Ves, strangest b f d ever slept in." Hill: " Aeivrdinj; to the higher titer logians. Adam was merely hypnotised a the time ■■! his marriage." Del I: " Wli pick on Adam';" Da\t>: Women's makeup us,'rl to W men guessing, whether it was real o not." I'ave: "Now they try to guee vho's behind il I'pion : " We ail of us hug delusions ' Downed: "Ves. about the lime a gir lofs her faith in fairy tales she begin to believe in love." A r.M : " What n.'lit have you l< wear that medal for gallantry?" Offender "Be.-t right m the world, sir. 1 lickei the fellow it was issued to " Indicnanl Omed an: " Look Vre, !oh jects to going on just afier this monkc art " Staje Manager: "Why, laddie Afaid they'll think you're an encoro?" Tho Comedian (during pantomime r« bearsall: "Wake up, sir-how can yoi give an opinion when you're asleep?" Tin Producer: "Sleep, my boy, is an opin ton." The Visitor: " Rut don't you peoph ever go out. for a walk?" The Tenant, " Rather not! We're paying £5 a day for this flat —and we mean to get oui money's worth." "Aren't you master in your own hmise?' ■''Well, my wife and I have divided it. She looks after the money, the children, the servants, the dog and the cat. I look after the goldfish." Lady: "Why has the rhinoceros got its horn shortened f' Keeper (fed up with questions): " 'Cos it's come under the reduction of armaments —as a result o' this here Peace Conference!" " Dearest, I love you. Since the dawr of creation, since the birth of this world, since the beginning of time, I have known and loved vou. Darling, will you be mine?" "Oh, Tom, this so sudden." Tommy was looking at a picture of Elijah ascending to Heaven in his chariot, Pointing to the halo over the prophet's head, he exclaimed, "See, father, he's carrying an extra tyre." Irate Golfer: "You must take your children away from here, madam—this is no place for them." Mother: "No don't you worry—they can't 'ear nothin' new— their father was a sergeant-major, 'e was!" Japeman : "Why did they elope? Did her kther ob]ect to their marriage?" Sewell: " Oh, no! It was her father's idea. He offered them half of the money he would save by their not having a grand wedding."

The teacher was examining the class in physiologv. " Mary, can you tell us," she asked, " what is the function of the stomach'?" 'Tl.e function of th« stomach," the little girl answered, " is to hold up the petticoat.'' "Aw," said Willie., "you're afraid to fizht; that's all it is." "No, I'm not," protested Jack, "but if I light my mail find it out and lick me." "How'll she find it out?" " She'll flee the doctor goin' to your house.'' " I don't care if Harold is poor." said th« girl. " I love him, and be loves me. Nothing else matters." " Hut my dear child," replied her mother, "you must remember that some day you-will be wantlog alimony." Lunatic: "I've got a wonderful invention T want to patent." His Keeper (kindly): "What is that?" Lunatic: I've invented an explosive coin that •'ill blow up the telephone-box after the nfth wrong numbei." the clergyman's smail son was spending *n afternoon with the bishop's children." ' At the rectory," he said, " we've got a hen that lays an egg every day." "Pooh!" said .Master Bishop, "my 'father lays a once a week." " l'on r chap'" s;l jd the sympathetic clubman, ks a tired looking fellow-member passed out the door. "He suffers terribly Iron) nerves." " I never knew be bad them," said his companion. "He hasn't,' »id the sympathiser. "They're bis Wife's."

SHORT STORIES. «. • THE " CHICKEN " GETS THE AX! iA voting surgeon was asked to dinr by n woman who was at least fifty, b t frivolous enough for twenty. She ask .. the surgeon to carvo a chicken. ] •failed lamentably, and instead «f a tempting to cover his confusion, tho In e less .ailed attention to it. * ;' "Well," she said, "you may be (lever, surgeon, but if 1 wanted a I off I shouldn't conic to you to do it." s "No?" ho replied, politely. "B then, you see. you are not a chicken," QUITE A HABIT. A cinema actor gavo the name of clergyman as reference in a busin< transaction. The merchant visited t . clergyman and asked for particulars CO renting the financial standing and 1' liability of his proposed customer. "Indeed." said tho reverend gentlema nastily, "I can give you no guarante ■ my dear sir; I have merely a desulto acquaintance with the gentleman." " Why, that's strange," said the mf chant, perplexedly: "he told me tli 1 he attended your church regularly." " He doe.«." returned tho clergyma 1 with a smile; "he always gets me marry him." EDUCATIONAL STANDARDS. '' I have called to see why your daug ler Emmelino hasn't attended schc , lately." said the village school mistre , a,s she stood at tho cottage door. 'Cause 1 think she's larned enough retorted Emmeline's mother shortly. " Why," exclaimed tho distributor learning. " she's only passed through tv classes vet!" "Ain't that enough'" shrilled tl woman. " 1 duimo what eddification a comin' to! When I wag young, if ge! only unnedstood the elemens of di 11 act ion, provision, and replenishing, a the common dominter, ai' knew all tl rivers an' their obituaries, the curren | and dormitories, the provinces an' un pues, we was reckoned to have eddific, i turn enough to see us through." I A HANDICAP WANTED. I A certain Member of Parliament wi jto speak in a town up north, so 1 ! travelled up from London over night ■ merely taking with him a small banc j hag. The train happened to be very lat ; in arriving, so the M.P. engaged a root i at the first hotel he came across. When the servant showed him fo h ! room ho noticed that tho man did iw seem very inclined to leave, and wa j looking at him somewhat suspiciously | so at last the M.P. asked him if thor I was anything he wanted to say. "Please, sir," said tho man, "my it structions are, when a man hasn't an luggage, to ask him to pay in advance." "But I'vo* got luggage," indignant! retorted the M.P., pointing to his littl band bag. " I know, sir," answered the ma: meekly, " but you've stayed (oo long oi that already." DEEP PROVOCATION. This comes from " With the Walnut: and the Wine." Music does not havi the same appeal to each and every nature That observation is. of course, very trite but it will serve as an opening to th( story of the man who stayed with a friend, a, country vicar, over the weekend and. not unnaturally, attended mornI ing service. | Over the luncheon fable said (he vicar: "And how did you like our music'" " I thought it horrible, old man." "Horrible!. How very extraordinary. The chants were Gregorian." " I don't care what they were, they were a beastly noise." "But, my "dear fellow," protested the vicar, " surely you know that it is believed that those are the very melodies which David sang to Saul ?" "TJh, then, that explains it," said the other. "Explains what?" asked the viear. " The reason that Saul chucked a javelin at David," was the reply.

A SMALL OVERSIGHT. Two men had been spending (he evening at a very festive gathering, and as Kiev started to motor home they were feeling very pleased with the world in general. The car went spinning merrily along the road, when suddenly the off-wheel came in collision with a post. "Kor the Lord's sake be careful, old man," said one of them, rousing himself with a start. " Sony," answered the other, " but I thought you were driving." IMITATION TOO REAL. " My little gir] is very clever." raid a woman to her guests. " She can imitate almost anyone." "She can indeed!" echoed the husband proudly. " ('ome, my dear, show us what you can do. Pretend to be the parlour maid." The little girl bowed to one of (ho guests. " Will you take any more chicken, ma'am, or a little more beef?" she said politely. Then she turned to another. " Shall I put the screen before your chair, ma'am ?" At this the guests were greatly amused. " (io on, my dear," chuckled the proud father. Backing away from her parents, she exclaimed in a terrified tone: "Sir. let me,;o' Don't touch me, sir! Give you a kiss, indeed! Supposing missus was to hear you ?" Then the clever little darling was suddenly bundled out of the room.