ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVIII, Issue 17662, 24 December 1920, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

Archie : "That girl's a peach !" Jack : " 'ins; and she's got a heart of st-one !" C&oUev : "Miss S. is the sharpest girl I know," Chumley : " Yes, she cuts me every time I meet her." Tommy : " What happens when trains j are telescoped?" Father: "The passengers generally see stars." Mistress: "Have you been touching the barometer, Jane?" Maid : "Yes, mum; it's my night out, so I set it 'fins'!" FTarker : " My father reached a very green old &£e." Boles: "Tndeed?" Marker: "Yes; he was swindled four i-mes after he was seventy." Stage Manager : "Ail ready? Well, run up the curtain." New Stare Hand: " Here. I say, what do you think. I am — a squirrel':" Kinplover : " You put that note where it will bo sure to attract Mr. Smith's attention, aid n't you?' Office Boy: 'Yes, sir; I stuck a pin through it and j put it on his chair." The new r.i v -i'.t. watchrr.an at the college ! h;id noticed mnieone using the big tele- i t. jfH'. J j>t it:en ft star fell. " Begorra," ! sdid the v.at. hinan, "that feller sure is a ivuck fchoi.'' does it mean. Tommy," said the Sunday school teacher, "where it says 'they rent their clothes'?" "I suppose they couldn't afford to buy gthem," replied Tommy. " W'l o can it-Ii me what a cow's skin is used for:" the teacher asked, and smiled encouragingly. "I kin, teacher!" responded the little lad at the end of the r-\V. "lj" t used to keep the cow's meat in." Freddie had just proposed to Millie. '• "No, Freddie. ' she said. " I cannot marry von. The man who gets me must be a gr;tnd man, upright and square." "My dear girl." said Freddie, "you don't want a man. You want a piano. Magistrate : " You say the prisoner Ft tuck you. Have you any witnesses to p>-ove it':" Murphy (pointing to his discoloured optic) : " I have an eye-witness h.-:re, yer Honour." > A pair of "newly-weds" were seeking lodqings in a certain town one day, when they saw in a window a card "Apartments to let." She : "Shall we go in and see the landlady?" He: "Xav, lass; it's 't-ugetherments' we wants." Ht> (to his lady love) : "Gracious! What's that clicking sound—woodpeckers?' She: "No, dearest. It's the machine taking moving pictures of your proposal to me, in case I have to sue you for breach, of promise." Boardinghouse Keeper : " I don't hear much news and I don't hear much gossip." Visitor : " Then what do you hear, Mrs. May?" Boardinghouse Keeper: " I hear a lot of roomers." " Strange," said the first tramp, meditatively, " how few of our youthful dreams ever come true!" " Oh, I dunno," said his companion; " I remember when I used to dream about wearin' long trousers, and now I guess I wear 'em longer than anyone else in the country." THE OFFICE INSTINCT. Privat« Jones, a stenographer before the war, had caught, the bullet which ho thought would eend him West. He , motioned to the stretcher-bearer. " Give my love to Dorothy tell her that I thought only of her to the end," he begged. " Carbon copies to Frances and Anna and Grace." REALISTIC. " Yes," said the young medico, "the healing profession is full of difficulties. The other day. for instance, I had a patient ■who ought to have gone to a warmer climate. Couldn't afford it. I decided to try hypnotism. I painted a large sun on the ceiling, and bv suggestion induced him to think it was the sun." " And did it work?" inquired a listener. The doctor passed a hand wearily across his brow. "He's down with the sunstroke now," he replied sauly. HONOUBS HY3N. Two small hoys were discussing tho various excellencies of their respective parents, and the conversation had reached the highly critical and even personal stage. ' Well," remarked Tommy Stubbs, "yoa can say what you like, but I reckon your father s about the meanest man that eyer lived. Fancy him letting you walk about in them old boots, and him a bootmaker, too !" " Garn!" replied Bobby Roberts, "my father ain't so mean as year father, any- j way. Why, fancy him being a dentist and your baby only got one tooth!" ENCOURAGEMENT. The referee had constantly been applied to for free kicks for imaginary fouls and hi? refusal to accedo to the requests lingered the spectators. _At half-time, a, sad-visaged supporter 01 .the home team drew him aside mysteriously and pushed something into hia ' What's this?" he asked. " It's a chocolate whistle," answered the spectator solemnly, "and its noice to suck j?, r ", e °^ e tha'll blow it oftener than tha did t'other one!" SOME JUMBLE. . , L ka ve called to see why your daughj t 1 ? 1 asn t attended school lately " said the school attendance officer, as "ho stood at the cottage door. , a , ns £, * think she's learnt enough," retorted Emily s mother shortly. " Why," exclaimed the visitor "she's on l v passed through two classes 'vet „ T " 3 Ain ' fc th , at enou ? h ■" asked the woman. I dunno what edditication is acomin' to ' 1 \Vnen I was young, if a gel unnerstood me elements of distraction, provision an' replenishing an' the common dominter, ;m knew all the rivers and their obituaries, the currents and the dormitories trie provinces and the umpires, she was reckoned to have eddification enoucrh tn zee her through." IN EXPLANATION. " Fare !" Ihe passenger paid no attention 6© the oiic-conductor s war-yell. "Fare, please!" Still the passenger was oblivious. •Uy tne eiaculatory term 'Fare l '" said trie conductor, "I imply no reference to tne sUte o! the weather, the complexion of the beautiful damsel you obsene m the contiguous seat, nor even bv »hu qt i a - ♦ « th ° service vouchsafed ~ j philanthropic company. I merelv Ir . ! \ a . mMner P er hap3 lacking in v. li'-acy, but not in conciseness, to the monetary obligation incurred bv v onr we _ '"»» s™> J fc . !I,e Fassenger woke up, forked out his penny. SK JO TABLE PUNISHMENT. Noticing on® of her pupils nibbling at some luncheon in school one day, the teacher called the culprit to the desk. i ou know," she began sternly, "that you must not eat during lesson hours. 7 o "J, as a punishment, von must stand in front of the class and eat every bit 01 it." Tire small boy did as he was bid, a curious grin overspreading his face. The teacner misunderstood that grin until the last scrap had disappeared, when from the c.ass a small voice wailed in tearful accents :— ""Please, teacher, thafc wasn't his lunch &© was eatia'.j is . fri " * j