ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVII, Issue 17459, 1 May 1920, Page 5 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

The burglar climbed over the officj par-! tition. "It. is well to bo on the sale side," he said. Then he bi'fjan work on ' tho vault The Host: " It's beginning to rain ; you'd better stay to supper." The Guest. " Oh. thank* very much ; but it's not bad enough for that.'' Jill: "He's an awfully clever man." Jack: " Not a bit of it! Ho only makes ; people think so." Jill: Well, don't you call that clever?" American Stationmaster (writing to local resident): " Please send at once and I remove cafe addressed to you marked ' Books.' It is 'leaking." " Hare. waiter, take this stuff away It's as tough as leather. I ordered mutton, j not old boot?!" " Saddle of mutton vou, said, sir. and so it is." j Irate Gentleman : " Constable, that ' scoundrel took ray wife's arm—arrest ; bim." Constable:' "Right, sir. I'll! search him at. the station. ' J " Soma contend thnt poetry is a gilt," ! raid Miss Dimlinc to Mr Stanza " I'er- ; hap.' that is why editors are so roluct-int j to 'pay for it," said that young man. j Maud: " No, I cannot marry jon." Perry (savage'vl: "Oh, well, there are others rust ss pood." Maud : "Better— 1 accepted one of them yesterday." Lady: "Do you want employment" Tramp: " Lady, yer means well, but yer can't make work sound any more invuin' by using a wo»d of three syllables." Fnssy Passenger (on board a steamer): "Doesn't the boat tip a lot., steward?'' Steward: "Yes. she's setting a good example to the passengers. Thank you, sir.' Old Dear: " Can I take this teak to Tooting''' Porter: "Well, ma'am, the engine generally takes it. hut I don't suppose aryrtne would object if yor was to 'ave a try." Hill: " MfShorte has sold a poem to Scribblers, entitled an 'Ode to a Fair Lady '" Hulls:" Has he? Well, he is more competent to write verees entitled ' Owed to a Landlady.' " " Yes." said the young wife, proud'y, " father always gives something expensive when he makes presents." "So I discovered when he gave vou away,' rejoined the young husband, feelingly. Smith: "Is that chap Brown a relation of yours!" Brown: "Only a distant relative." Smith : " Very distant?" Brown: Well, rather. He's the eldest of fifteen children, and I'm the youngest," On a humble tombstone in Austin, Texas, is the following inscription :— " Here lie tie remains of my beloved husband, who was kicked to death by a male. Well done, good arid faithful servant," Flaw-.'r: " I ray, guard, I know of two men travelling on the 11.30 without a ticket." Guard (foreseeing promotion) : " Tell me who they are; this will mean promotion for me." Flapper : " Why, the driver and the guard." ifanager (tc message-boy. who is half an hour latel: " Willie, how is it that you are always last to arrive in the morning and first to go av.ay at nizht,V' Willie: " Weel, sir, ye wadna ha'e me to be late twice a day. wad ye?" " Yes." said the chairman, sadly, " our temperance meeting last night would have been more successful if the lecturer hadn't been 60 absent-minded." " What did he do?" "He tried to blow some ' imaginary froth from a glass of water." He was an argumentative local councillor, and was crushing an opponent's case. ; "Gentlemen," he said, "you may say. with Councillor Smith, that this is a case of six of one and half-a-dozen "of the * other. But I say, no"-—pause far em phasis—" no: it is nothinc d the eort. It is exactly the contrary."

THE BEST WAY. " How will yon have your eggs cooked?" asked the waiter. " Make any difference in the cost of 'em?" inquired the cautions customer with a brimlees hat and ragged beard. "No." " Then cook them on the top of a elice of ham," said the customer, greatly relieved. GOOD BUSINESS. " Your business college for young ladies seem* to be all right." " It is all right.' "Do yon give the girls a good, practical business tramine?" '" In reply to chat question I can only .fay that 60 per cent, of our graduates , marry their employers the first year." OE, DEAR, NO! " What brought you here, my poor man?" inquired the prison visitor. "Well, lady." replied the prisoner, " I guess my trouble Parted from attending too many wedding. "Ah ' You learned to „drink there, or steal, perhaps^" "No. lady; I was always the bridegroom '' VERY HUMBLE. An extremely fhy and confused wouldbe bridegroom failed upon the virar of an Hast End palish the other day in r-rdei v> "put up the hann.".' " 0(-,. }~ vou want to get. ma.rri°d. do yon''' said the e'en' gf-maiiy " Well, pt — Fir." rame the pin in merer! reply, "that is. if you won't think I an' taking ten rent a liVrtv'." UNINTENTIONAL. .A *ew davs after a fa.! tit had s<i,d a r.i; i.. a neighbour he .hawed to paf-s his r'.w and saw hi? little bmi : *ittn»i* rr. {■ <■ prjgfl of the pig pen. watching its new ,„-, upant. ■ Hr. w d'ye do, Johnny?" said he. " Rr« j soar pig '" day?" Ob. prem well, thank you." replied !! p h'.'v " 11-iw ? all your fr.lks''" A CONCEITED YOUNG MAN. •■ hi \y r.ifr-v) '" he exclaimed ■" , .„., , ...• ~ h't. Hi. von thus spurn m;. '-( ,n rt :, ci leading me on ' Win Hid 1 le«d yoc en., as you '-.'1 !•'•' .... i the i.'irl. nn m ii not tell ine that that fortune'e'V- had t.-hi vou that you were to wed a l-ands'.n.e bli.ode voiing '"an » th the ~-„-, ,' a Owk god and the voire of an jC'.ian harp''" REGARDLESS OF COST. The as- - ants at a large linen draper's sboi. wit.' prep.iriiiu fin the spling sal,'. - Wnai -ia!' 1 mark lh.it lot "I black s.ik' ..fkeo .. . ..s-ieUnt of his employer. • Mel n ■• m-i|ii.j prire 15s a yard. ' " ■>' re ,I'icttn p,..i •• „,.| v r>>si 10s a yard." said the .T'omsh'-d errrl"\ee I rj,., 'i '•>'■•■ »'''*' it " ,st - ' am sell m Z ,fT rrmu 1.--.-- '•< 'ost! ' retorted the J 1 ■ r nTTHC THE LABOURER AND HIS HIRE. |..r »..ik..... .f-ii U.U. di.'gll.g. The i. , v i.rir . ii.- <■ Tin-i ,; \r turn of mind f '„,,er; •, ~ .>„ men' ... 1-k n„. My r: an, ' ...mi !'■.<■ .'•:'. . at h-lil'tll. " what -i" ■ .... Hi ■: i : ■■•• I'e w.nk'. a,. I -k.-l 'in " Money, he replied \| ■„., e-a. att'l the amazed wayiarri V.) v. lip,, Jo inn er|>ect to Stl!-(> '" " " l).. >~tn:dav, ' i plied the workman, u he resumed opeu'uuiw.