NAVAL CHRISTMAS LEAVE.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVI, Issue 17348, 20 December 1919, Page 5 (Supplement)

NAVAL CHRISTMAS LEAVE.

». LITTLE FUN WITH THE TRAM. Twenty naval men on leave left the dockyard at Portsmouth, carrying their little blue bundles. As r naval men often are, they were up for an innocent devilry. Boarding 3, tramcar en route for the railway station, they clamoured to start at <mce, but the driver said they would not start for five minutes. So the seamen, clambering on to the roof, stamped their feet and whiled away the time by singing at the pitch of their, lusty voices, until the incoming tram appeared and drew up on the opposite side of the rails, with its top deck nearly touching theirs. It was then that some ingenious soul, in a sudden, fit of devilment, suggested lashing the two vehicles together. No sooner said than done, and, stripping off their black silk handkerchiefs!, they tied the rails of the two cars to each other, and then sat down, chuckling in mishievous glee, to .watch what happened. " Ting-ting," went the bell, and round went the starting-lover. No result at all, for the tram, secured to its opposite number, absolutely refused to budge. " Bill," came a shout, "you 'aven's got iihat 'ere pole 0' yourn on the over-ead wire!" Bill, the conductor, protested loudly that everything at his end was in perfect order, and the driver gradually, gave her more juice, until the sparks started to fly. " Bill," came another howl, " I can't move 'er!" (Shrieks of derisive merriment from the roof.) "Go on 'Grace! "Ave another go!" from the conductor. Horace did as requested. Nothing at all happened. (Scene of pandemonium on the loof)

Next, after much mutual recrimination between bow and stern, the conductor and the driver together removed their outer garments and began to examine the underbody of the vehicle. For quite five minutes they grovelled in the road, presently to emerge breathless, dishevelled, and vituperant.

" I can't see nothing wrong with 'or," ©pined the driver, mopping a shiny face. " Better telephone to the de-pot for someone to come an' 'ave a look a); the blame thing," suggested Bill.

Horace agreed, and once more disappeared into the eating-house to use the telephone.

" 'Ere, young fella'!" suddenly demanded a smiling blue-clad warrior from the top titorey. " What time does this bloomin' ship o' youm get; under way I"

" We can't move "er," retorted the conductor, angrily. " Don't go askin' stoopid questions."

" Don't go gefctin' dizsy, Harchibald dear !" laughed another seamon, . with , a bright red face, leaning perilously over the edge. "Me an* my mates wants to know what time this, perishin' tram is due to start. We 'ave a train to catch, and when we asks a civil' question we don't want no back-chat—see!" u"

'* I'll give yer back-chat! I tell yer we can't start it, an' the driver's gorn to telephone to 'eadquarters. Ain't that good . enough?" ; ,• ;- .

, " Can't start it, pndden-face! Why, wot d'you call yourselves? Look 'ere, any man, if we misses our train me and my mates'll report you to the,mayor and corporation whot owns these trams. You'll be disrated, for incompetence; see if you ain't!"£ r .."•; ■■„ -

'.'Oh, shut yer fat 'ead,;cani't yer ? ■ It ftin't my fault!" " Then who's bloomin' 'fault is it, I wants to know? This'll . "ave to be inquired into. We carn't allow, these 'ere goin's-on on the Bompey trams!" < "■ Oh, shut up!" " Look. 'ere, ole son," .from a bluejacket. Shall I 'ave a go at er?" " You don't know nothin' atbout drivin* trams!"

" Ho, don't I bloomin' well? Will you let' me 'ave a try V " Oh, 'ave yer try if yer wants to; but you won't be able to do nothin'!" "Right you are, me boyo," said the rubicund sailor, with a twinkle in his eye. *' Cast 'er off, lads!" in a whisper to hio friends.

The lads, speechless with amusement, nnlashed the handkerchiefs, unseen by the conductor;, and the fat sailor, clambering heavily down the steps, took his place on the front platform. ' " Now/* he said, gripping the handle in his mighty paw; " you says I knows nothin' at all abart it. I just shoves 'er over like pushing the lever to its fullest extent — away we goes!" And go they did, at about twenty knots, with the men on the roof hanging on for grim death and cheering themselves hoarse. I can still see the expression of absolute consternation on the face cvgrthmhuk( the driver whan, emerging from the eating-house, he saw his tram careering wildly down the road; while Bill, having succeeded in boarding the rear platform, agitatedly rang the bell to bring the swaying vehicle to a standstill. Then the driver, jamming his cap firmly on his head, darted off in pursuit. He would never have caught it; indeed, the tram would have been derailed if it had gone round a curve at such a speed, but the bluejacket driver wisely stopped it after a hundred yards, and stepped off the platform into the road. " There!" he said with a triumphant smile, " I knew I could do the job. Any periahin' fool can drive a bloomin' tram!" " And 'oo the 'ell gave you leave to interfere?" spluttered the breathless Horace, very heated after his rapid progress. " D'you want me to lose my job ?" *' Oh, shut your jaw an' let's get a move on, mate. " We an* my mates '11 stand yon a wet when we gets to the town station. Drive on ole son."— "A Little Ship," by «' TaffrauV'