Christmas Short Stories.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVI, Issue 17348, 20 December 1919, Page 2 (Supplement)

Christmas Short Stories.

THE SCAPEGOAT. The -Kid: " Why should they tell us there is a Santa Clans if there isn't?" • His Sister: ." Mother and father want someone to lay the hlame on if we don't get the presents we wish for." ANOTHER WAKE. Mulcahy, with one side of his face badly swollen, stepped into the dentist's office one morning. " I want ye to see what's the matter wid me tooth," said the Irishman. The dentist made the necessary examination and- said: " The nerve is dead. That's what's the matter." "Thin, he the powers!" exclaimed Mulcahy, "the other teeth must be holdin' a- wake over it!'* POINTED. The tram was crammed to overflowing, and Christmas parcels and Christmas, turkeys mingled with the holly and mistletoe of Mrs. Miggs, the flower-woman, whose ample proportions were spread over a large expanse of seat. A small boy opposite stuck firmly to his seat, despite the fact that many lady passengers were strap-hanging. " Sonny," remarked the fat lady reprovingly, " why don't you stand up, and let a lady sit down?" " Well, mum," came the response, " I was just thinking; if you stood up five ladies could sit down!"

KIND BUT DULL. Arabella put down her novel with* a sigh. It was a Christmas .gift from, he* better half. " What is it, darling ?" asked he. " Ah, dearest, I'm so happy," she replied. " But you had such a sad look in your eyes just now." " I know. I've been reading about the unhappiness that the wives -of men of genius always have to bear. Oh, John, dear, I'm so glad you're just an ordinary sort of fellow!" SOMETHING WRONG. The day was drawing to a close. Judge, ' jurors, witnesses, and lawyers all were growing weary. Counsel for the prosecution was cross-examining the defendant. " Exactly how far is it between the two towns?" he asked at length. For some time Paddy stood thinking, then: " About four miles as the cry flows," came the answer. " You mean as the flow cries," corrected the man of law. The judge leaned forward. " No," he remarked suavely. "He means as the fly crows." And then all looked at one another, feeling that something was wrong somewhere. IN RETURN. She was bubbling over with Christmas spirit. She could keep it no longer. " Dearest," she exclaimed to her husband, " I just can't wait till Christmas to tell you what I've got you for a pre. sent." " Well," replied the young husband, "what is it?''' " I've got you a new rug to put in front of my dressing table, and a bronze statuette for my parlour mantelpiece," she blurted out. " Now, what are you going to get me?" '" Well," he replied contemplatively, " I think I shall get you a new briar pipe and a safety razor." OVER THE TELEPHONE. It was not often that old Mr. Meanem gave his family a good time, but Victory Christmas was different. Even he intended to make a splash. Full of good intentions, therefore, he rang up the local theatre, where " Puss in Boots " was in full swing. " I want four seats for Boxing Night," he told the box office over the telephone. " Sorry—but we don't reserve seats," came the faint reply. " First comefirst served, is our rule!" " But surely I can reserve the seats now — sha'n't stand a chance otherwise." " Oh!" said the voice, chuckling. " I'm not so sure about that!" Mr. Meanem promptly lost his temper. " Look here!" he stormed. " Send someone to the 'phone who knows the theatre business!" " This isn't a theatre at all," replied the voice. " This is the gaol." WHY HE MADE GRIMACES. After the Christmas party they both felt very pleased with themselves and things in general. They sat together in a cosy little corner, and by and by he took his courage in both hands and proposed. There was no hesitation on the lady's part as she accepted, and a moment later they occupied but one chair, whilst she nestled closely to his manly breast. Suddenly she started, frowned, and looked him full in the face. " Albert," she said, " yqu are untrue to me. You are playing a game with me! You—" " Darling," he whispered, " what—" " You — you — you — you're making f-f-faces at me!" she thundered, indignantly. "I can't help it!" he muttered, sadlv. " My eyeglasses are falling off gradually, and I don't want to let go of your dear litth* hand!"- ~ .

CONTEMPT OF COURT. I,

In a rural court the old squire had "" made a ruling so unfair that three young lawyers at once protested against such a miscarriage of justice. The squire immediately fined each of the lawyers £1 for contempt of court. There was silence, and then an older lawyer walked*' * slowly to the front of the room and deposited £2 with the clerk. He then addressed- judge as follows:— TomHonor, I wish to state that I have twioa as much contempt for this eourt as any man in the room." THE DEAR DEPARTED. Availing herself of her ecclesiastical privileges, the clergyman's wif asked questions which, coming from anybody else, would have been thought impertinent. "I presume you carry a memento of some kind in that locket you wear?" she said. " Yes, ma'am," said -.< the parishioner. "Itis a lock of my hus- * band's hair." " But your husband L, stilt "'■ alive," the lady exclaimed. " Yes * ma'am, but his hair is gone.' ''■ ' - ti PETER REBELS. Peter was very interested in his * Blather's cooking. He stood now gazing '* on the finishing touches she was making J to his own special cake before consigning it to the oven. °"j " There, Peter,** she said, giving it 3, j final pat. " There's a lovely cake for V, yon." : " Can I eat it all myself 2" asked Peter % solemnly. "Why, of course not, child You would make yourself sick." ] " That's just the way with you!" Pete* j retorted bitterly. " Whenever you do .2 give me anything nice, you always tie a ,f string to it!" ;*■ A PERFECT CHRISTENING. J -The late Rev. Canon Rhodes Bristow© "-\ \ had a, large and varied experience of life f" in the underworld of London. A very favourite story of his was in connection -? with a christening at which the infant, contrary to the canon's usual experience, ? ! was as quiet as a lamb. Instead of yell- \j ing when it felt the water it smiled 1 • cheerfully in the canon's face. " Madam," he remarked later to the infant's mother, . ; "1 1 must congratulate you en the little '-a one's behaviour I have never before. '■% christened a child that has behaved so <"* well as yours." "Well, you see, sir," • | wasthe unexpected reply, "'is father an*- • me 'ave been practisin' on 'im with a pail'- - o' water for the last week." *-'.- "THE OLD BUFFER.'? $ An amusing story is told in regard t«£r* an occasion when Bishop Boyd Carpen- •- ter was to officiate at a fashionable West- 1 end wedding. As usual a great crowd of V ! people stood outside the church doors. t Magnificent carriages and motor-cars '-'.m rushed up with the splendidly-dressed : n guests, and at the end of a long string 4 of fine equipages came a, ramshackle ok>* four-wheeler. A couple of policemen 'M dashed at the cabby. "Here, hi!" they H shouted, "you can't stop here; the : i bishop just coming." "Keep your 'airon retorted cabby; "I've got the old 3 buffer inside." And Bishop Boyd Carpen- "■> ter opened the door and stepped out! WANTED TO SEE THE BABY. 4 * Father had been very ill, and little Billy qj was very concerned about him, He ob- "i tained permission from his mother to go i upstairs and see him, provided that if , fathej were asleep ha should make no .'., noise nor wake him. When he got into 1 the bedroom he found his parent asleep, and so he sat himself quietly down by the « 6id© of the bed. , After a wait of about ■ two hours father awoke, and the follow- s ing conversation ensued:—" Well, my son, what are you doing up here?" " Coma to see you, daddy." " That's • nice of you, my son." " daddy, I haven't made a noise, have I ?'* " No, *my_ boy." " And I didn't wake you up, did I, daddy?" "No, sonny." "And.l have been good, haven't I?" " Yes, you have— good." "Well then, daddy, can I see the baby V*SOME CHRISTMAS BOX. « j " Talking about Christmas boxes," remarked a commercial traveller, " the one * I got last year would be hard to beat. Our guv*nor never gave us a Christmas box; .so you can imagine how surprised we were when he told us all to go into his office, where he sat with a pile of envelopes in his hand. " * Gentlemen,' said he, ' I intend' to give each of you a Christmas present this year. These envelopes contain something " . valuable, which I hope you will make good use of.' "Of course, we thanked him, and marched out, thinking that he was a good sort, after all. " And what do yon think was in the envelopes ? A cheque ? " No! It was a confounded prescription for the cure of indigestion!" A REG'LAR 'RIG'LER. ———♦ When you was as little as me, did you care If they made you stand still while they fooled with your hair, And combed it and brushed it and told you, There, there?" Nurse says, when she lays down the comb with a slam, I'm a reggerler —maybe I am. When I'm doing my lessons or eating my meals, I have to be still as a mouse, till it feels As if I must pound on the floor with my heels. At church it is awful— folks all ' declare, I'm a reggerler wriggler, while I am '». there. It isn't so easy, this trying to keep Quite still in the daytime hurts me a - heap; • And they seem ito forget that I'm still ' when I sleep. I think little boys who sit still are a * ;i ' sham, ' .■ I'm a- reggerler wriggler what ';' I am. A REG'IaAR 'RIG'LER. 1 -4 1 THE PRINTER'S DAUGHTER. | -8. Torn from the cloudless sky, the hue Q . Is given to thy eyes so blue. '.4 r Her eyes: T *""" -S i The colour of the sunset's glow Is mantled in thy cheeks of snow. 3§ 1 Her cheeks ( ) "0 The richest gems of earth, dear girl, ;"§" a Are rivalled by thy teeth of pearL 4| ! Her teeth : WW %& Around thy marble bro'-' so fair .*. In golden ringlets waves thy hair. ~H 5 Her hair: ssss Most lovely of thy charms, I ween, fjj Are thy sweet lips, incarnadine. Her 'lips: ——- 188 , Had I great wealth at my command, V I'd give it all for thy dear hand. . SSB® Hex. hand: mia?"* ispl sSssas