SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVI, Issue 17270, 20 September 1919, Page 5 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

"|i KB WAS LAZY. m Th» c 3BB was going badly for fee defond- * I Th» os»s« was going badly for tiis defondtint, and his counsel -was getting upset. :■'■ "Has my client a reputation for being 'abnormally lazy?" he asked an opposing , witness, sarcastically. /. "Well it's this way—" " " Will yon kindly answer the question ] struck in the irascible lawyer. "Well I was going to say it's this way. ll don't want to do the gentleman in question on injustice. , And I don't go • so far as to say that he's laEy exactly ; but if it required any volunary work on . his part to digest his food—why, he'd ' die from lack of nutrition!" WHAT HE SAVED. The two little fellows, brothers, arrived ' home dripping, and explained to their parents that tney had been pulling a lady out of a pond ; one showing his mother a pound-note, which he said the Jady had given him. " I saved her pocket-book, mother," he said. "And didii't she give you anything?" said the mother to the other lad. " I ' thought you helped, too?" continued the parent. " 80 I did, mother," responded the boy ; " but I didn't save anything—only the lady." THE GUIDE-WRITER'S ART. " What on earth's happened to all you people?" complained the tourist. "Why, last year, when I came here, you were all so nice and friendly, and now everybody's too proud to speak r* The oldest inhabitant solved the problem. " Well, yer see, mister, it's jest village pride. Bill Smiff 'e found a guide-book wot fell out c? a motor-car, an now we know that Winyel's gravel pit's a precipice, V old duck pond's a mountain tarn, while Jin-.'s pub's a wayside 'ostel, and' the 'ole countryside is full of 'istorical hanecdotes." GETTnra PREPARED. He was the little brother. Sister's young gentleman was waiting patiently in tl» drawing-room, and Tommy opened fire with : " Are you going to propose to my sister to-night: " Why, I— I —what do you mean ?" '' Oh. nothing! Only if yoa are, you ain't a-going to surprise her. At dinner jus' now she bribed me an' my little brother to go to bed at half-past seven. She's hung four cupid pictures on the parlour wall, moved the sofa over to the darkest corner, got ma and pa to go callin" next door, shut the dog in the cellar, an' been practising ' Because I love you on the pianner all the afternoon." IT WORKED. He was a polite canvasser that faced Mrs. Jones. " -morning, madam. Here is a polish for cleaning silver. Best on the market." " Don't want any," snapped Mrs. Jones. " Sorry to have troubled you, madam, but I thought the lady next door was mistaken." "What did she say?" " She said I need not waste my time calling here, as you had no silver." " The impudent thing. Give me half-a-dozen boxes." THE BABY'S CURLS. The young mother was proudly wheeling her baby about in the park the other day, and a friend came along with a young man. The young man was attracted to the baby, the little tilling smiling up at him. ' What pretty curia I he said, and proeeeded to turn one of the golden locks about his finger. Imagine his surprise when it came off in his hand. " 0, I say," he cried, " did I pull it out?" " No, you pulled it off,** said the mother, complacently, "They are only sewed in the cap.' This, it seems, is one of the- latest American fads in regard to the feaby and the loving mothers who admire curly hair in a baby. *"' IE THE A3SEHOE OF CLERGY. Some time ago a dinner was given in New York, at which a well-fcaswn actor, who is something of a freethinker along •theological lines, sat at the guest-table. When the hour for otarting the feast arrived the toasVmaeter, a very religious roan, discovered that no minister of the Gospel was present, though several bad been invited. In this emergency he turned to the actor and asked him to say grace. The actcr rose, bowed his head, and in tho midst of a deep hush said fervently: " There being no clergyman present, let ua thank God!"

PROVISIONAL PROPRIETORSHIP. A certain laird, a bit uncompromising whtre land rights are concerned, was introduced to a young airman who had been doing some sensational "stunts" over his estate the clay before. " 80 ye are the chiel wha wis doing deil's jinks ower my land?" said the laird, not over cordially. "Ye micht have had the modesty tac ask permission first." " But the air is free, eir," smiled the jouth. '' Oh !is it It's mine as high as the '-■ees, ma mannie." "But I was much higher." " Aye, aye, but hoo muckle higher wad ye be if ye fell oot?" A LETTER OP THANKS. A Kaffir working at a South African factory died some time aeo, and the manager wrote to bis father informing him of the sad event. The reply ran aa follows: — " Sir, —Your favour of the 20th inst is in bi* hands, of which I highly congratulate your unfailing and genial hospitality, and, as wireless telepathy is not yet sufficiently established. I am forced to resort to the old method of using pen and ink. I. in fact, do not know bow to express my gratitude to you for letting me know the death of my son Thomas. I now hereby request you to send the sum mentioned to me and those nine letters." The business part of the letter at mil events is distinctly to the point. CUTTING. A young Scotsman who left his native glen some yea.rj ago and obtained work in London recently journeyed home to Miend a holiday with his parents. In one of h'fi rambles upon his native hills he met an old shepherd and his dog. The old man tweeted him in Gaelic, end, much to his surprise and disappointment, was answered i 1 English.

'' Surely, Donald," said the shepherd, comewhat hotly, " you haf not, forgot V'lir native tongue?" •' No, ' was the answer, given with an air of indifference, " but. although I understand it, I cannot speak it." "My dog fan do that!" said the shepherd, as he left the youth and turned to his sheep. OPERATIONS BY POST. Dt. Simon yiexner, of the Rockefeller Institute, rt ho has just received one of the French Government's highest decoral' his. told the following: — " The iliral ignorance of some people is staggei iug." lit! .said. "I know an X lay ojKTialiM who got a. letter from a middle western farmer the otlie- day. The farmer " !-■{<■ : - "'Deai Sir.l have had a nail in my thorax I'm 17 \ea.-s, 1 am too busy to 'Mini, to New Viuk. but 1 want you to 'me down here to Paris Corners with Your ra_\c. a." my case nil! be worth your while. If you do not lind time to come. -end a dozen lays boxed, by express. with instruction raid, and I will try to vioik sane myself.' "'The A-ray specialist wrote back to the farmer of Paris Coiners.—

" ' Dear Friend. —I relict to say that ' business engagement* present a trip to. Paris Corners, and I am unfortunately out of rays just now. If you cannot oome to New Pork. s*nd me your thorax by narcp' nost, and w« will see what can be dune.' " I