ODDS ami ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVI, Issue 17234, 9 August 1919, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS ami ENDS.

■■ ■' ■ ■■■ ' ' ■ • She: " You're a waster! Very few girds would marry you." He: " Well, on* would be enough!"

"Yes, sir, one' hour's uninterrupted reading each evening would make you— *' Uninterrupted! Where do you think my wile upends her evenings?"

Heck : " Yes, I have met with your wife —in fact, 1 knew her before yon. married her." Peck : " Ah, that's where you had the advantage of me— didn't 1"

"Do I understand, my man," said the magistrate at one point, " that the defaiidant hurled invectives a* you?" " No, sir To tell th«s truth, & was only bricks.

Papa (from the next room): Ethel, aren't you going to light the gas in there!" Ethel: "Yes, papa; we are just speaking ofofstriking a match."

Cobwlgger: "If he's going to spend his holiday there again there jreusti be something nice about the place." Merritt: " There is, bub he wouldn't tell ma her name."

Ross: " That's Mrs. Qrabbit—she's a great war worker." Bob: Indeed Bess: " Yes; she married four of her daughters to soldiers."

Little Girl: " Did you ever dream of being in heaven Little Boy: " No, not exactly: but. I dreamed once that I was riffht in the middle of a big apple dumplings"

Little Girl: " Mummy's got a headache 1 poor old mummy!" Mother: "You mustn't call mummy old, dear." Little Girl : " I don't mean that you're really old but that I've known you such a long time !"

pry Patriot.: " Look hero, bit. You saw mo pat the penny in the skfc and nothing's come okX of the machine." cent : " That mores ft wa* empty." "'. Bn)l what do I, get for my penny?" " The information, sir!"

Billy: "Do you believe in signs?" Milly": "Yes, indeed." B%: "Well, last niffht I dreamed yon were madly in love with me. What is that a sign of?" Milly i " Thai's a sign you were dreaming."

Doctor: " The room eeems cold, Mrs. Hooligan. Have yon kept the thermometer at 70, as I told yon?' Mm. Hooligan : " Shure. an" Oi.hav, doctor There's the" divilish thing in a toombler an' warrum leather afc this blessed miitiHit."

Flossie -. " I married my first husband for money and my second for lore." Gusivie: 'Then you are perfectly happy now, I presume? Flossie: Alas, nol Yoo see, my first husband married me for love and the second for money."

Young Wife: "Oh, Jack, yon don't mean to say thft you've really found a flat?" Husband. " Not exactly, dear ; bat we're pretty fortanafcts. We are first m after a couple who have just taken ii for three years."

Yv.nn? Husband: "Good gracious! Twenty-five poinds! What is this bill for?" Wife: " You said I need never want for pin money." Husband. "Of course; bnt fcwwnty-five pounds in one V7eek!" : "It was a diamond! pin, my daar !"

A traveller entered a village inn with a do?, and an Irishman present asked what breed it was. "Itis a cross between an ape and an Irishman," drawled the doe's owner, regarding his questioner insolently. " Faith, thin, we're both related to the boast," was the quick re&ort.

OOteUMEOTA&Tr TO BUS. He : " But I asked you, dearest, to beep our engagement, a secret for the. present." She: " T couldn't help it. That hateful Miss Oldum s&.id the reason I wasn't married was becanfle no fool had proposed to me, bo I up and told he? you had," ."

THS STATITEAt. pTSRSFCTSs " -isfW the 'pliMel'f; " Yo'atf <«%»&, air. $'".'....■ "WJa&'doas «h« waafc?"--*i ':Ths: only word I can understand! fa ■ 'idiot,*, sir. .ft. *'" V - M IDt*T.-BQe.v.'cfeS»t) there* She probably wants' is tSBTWth me^^K I TEGS WITS AT WOBK. A Yank and a Tommy thrown together in France were vieing with each other in telling tall stories. " ][ saw 500 Germans drowned in Champagne," said the American. " That's nothing," Tommy answered, " At Zoebrugge there were three German submarines sunk in .port." A DOUBT. An insurance agent was filling out an application blank. "Have you over had.,»pp*ndicife?" he asked ;>■£-- ; " We'!," answered, the applicant, "I was operand on, tyot I- have never felt) quite sure whether it was appendicitis or professional curiosity*" .-■■"' NOT SO BAB. " Mother: " I don't like, the look of that boy I saw you playing with yesterday; yon mustn't play with bad lilttle boys, you know." Son: " Oh, he isn't aJ bad little boy, mother. He's a good little boy. He's been sent to a reformatory two times, and they've let him out each time on account of good behaviour." ' ] OPPOSITE. A gentleman in, want of a house for the autumn months, in a littLj town on the wist coast of Ireland, found a commodious J residence close to the beach. On consultbag the house agent's board he reads House to let; apply opposite." "Opposite!" cried he. "Why, the house faces the sea." On making inquiry hej found that the house belonged ito a New Yorker who was open to receive offers. m m A CURIOSITY. " The car of an important person was .bald up by a little coster cart drawn by a rasrced donkey and driven by a merry Pearly King. The person, being already late [or various important engagements, vented his raffled feelings in the choicest language upon the coster and hia equipage who listened to the stream of words in the deepest admiration, and at the firet opportunity exclaimed: : '?f J .°, s V* BUr you was clean in pr< «>-.,* Id tike yer 'owe and keep yer for a pet." r J JOHN KNOX AND THE BIBLE. la his hook, " Books and Blunders V Mr. J. C. Percy tells the following amusing anecdote: — An Edinburgh cabman, was driving an American round the sights of the northern <:ilty. In High Street he stopped, and with a wave of his whip announced : 'I hat is John Knox's house." " John Knox," exclaimed the American who was he?'' ' This was too much for the cabbv "Go home, man." he exclaimed, "and read your Bible." DITEKPEOTED HEWS. For ten long and blissful years had they talked along the paths of love, but so far he had never mentioned the subject of their marriage, and at la3t she began to lose interest in' the game and thought ft was high time the date should be fixed. She accordingly threw out a trentle hint to mm by way of enwmragement, as she though* that was all he required. "Do you know, dear," she whispered, coyly, Everyone's saying we're going to be married «oon." " f "Art the,, though?" he answered. th«Ji a J<>l y . tfeU it ' ll be for them when they learn we're not."